21 questions for a new relationship

21 Questions for a new relationship:  A Conscious Approach

These 21 questions for a new relationship can make all the difference between recognizing the potential for a powerful and lasting conscious relationship, or one that might just cause us unnecessary misery. While a new romantic interest might not serve us long term, that new connection can still feel like one of the most magical experiences. The key is to find and recognize a connection where that magic can remain present and very much alive over the long term, even as it takes on a different quality over the years.  

The newness of a budding relationship forces us to be in the unknown, in the discovery. When everything is new we can’t predict outcomes and that breeds excitement. So as we consider questions for a new relationship, we want to leave plenty of space for the magic to flourish. We also want to make sure you don’t get carried away too far in the excitement and chemistry. It’s important to pay attention to signs and signals from your soul that tell you whether this connection is truly aligned with your highest good and whether the two of you have the potential to build a soulful conscious relationship.

As you may know, the path of soul love™ marries three essential elements – your ability to be real, your ability to relate, and your ability to unite. These three abilities give you access to the authenticity, intimacy, and ecstasy innate in all soulmate relationships. So we’ll break down these 21 questions for a new relationship into 3 categories that align with these 3 abilities. 

Warning… These questions are not for the faint of heart. They will make you uncomfortable. And that’s a good thing. 


Questions for a new relationship: Getting to Authenticity

The first set of questions for a new conscious relationship begins, as we said, with you, with the two of you specifically. These questions explore the depth and strength of your individual relationships with yourselves.  

  1. Dreams:  If you could have it ALL, if there were no limitations, what would your life look like?
  2. Life Lessons: If we all have certain life lessons to learn, if we all have places and times where we stumble and have to get up again (and again, and again), what would yours be? 
  3. Fears: What are the most intimidating aspects of building a truly conscious relationship for you?
  4. Hiding: If you were to finish the sentence, “When you look at me I’m afraid you’ll see…” what would you say? Ask your new partner to finish that sentence several times. In other words, you’re asking, “What is it about you that you’re afraid of me knowing?”
  5. Worthiness: Do you feel like you are enough, that you have the value and innate worth to have an extraordinary, out-of-this world, relationship and life? Why or why not? 
  6. Honesty: Are you willing to be completely honest with me, always, even when you think I won’t like the answer or that it might be painful for me to hear?
  7. Masculine / Feminine: Is your primary energy masculine or feminine? Have you been embodying that consistently in your past relationships?

If you want to cultivate conscious connection and magic, it’s essential that you both answer these questions as real-ly as possible. If you can’t honor and love yourself, you can’t honor and love another. You may want to. You may try over and over. Yet, until you both cultivate that deep inner intimacy with yourselves, your romantic connections will always suffer. Put another way, the strength of your relationship with yourself determines – limits or expands – that strength of your relationship with another.


Questions for a new relationship: Opening to Intimacy

As we said, your capacity for authenticity determines your capacity for intimacy. So now that we’ve explored how well you each relate to yourselves, let’s consider your skills, and willingness, to truly relate intimately with each other. 

  1. Intimacy: Our understanding, needs, and desires for intimacy can vary significantly between the masculine and feminine, what does intimacy mean to you?
  2. Closeness: How would you finish the sentence “I feel close to you when…”
    Tell me as many things as you can think of. 
  3. Boundaries: What are your most important boundaries when it comes to a committed long term partnership? When do you have the most difficulty expressing and holding your boundaries?
  4. Trust: When is it most difficult for you to trust? Do you trust yourself? Do you trust life? Do you trust others? Do you trust me?
  5. Polarity: Because sustained attraction and chemistry depend on energetic polarity, when it comes to masculine and feminine energy, which one do you desire to hold most of the time in our connection? What does that mean to you? Are there any exceptions to this for you?
  6. Conflict: Do you believe conflict has a natural place in intimate relationships? How do you approach conflict when it does arise? Do you believe conscious conflict could strengthen a relationship, why or why not?
  7. Who is first? Who will you put first, you or me? Is there anything else that comes before you or me?

As counterintuitive as it may seem, for that last question, if your new partner doesn’t answer “themselves,” at least most of the time, you will not have a relationship of magic, but one of misery. Self-abandonment harms relationships every time. 

In this relating phase of soulful relationship, you learn how to simultaneously maintain a connection with yourself and your partner. You’ll realize that two fully expressed “me’s” make a very strong, happy “we”. 


Questions for a new relationship: The Capacity for Ecstasy

When building a new relationship, most people, if they have resolved their past relationship hurts and resentments, will enter a new connection, with anticipation of a love that can take their breath away time and time again. They will desire a relationship that leaves them in awe because they never imagined it could be this good. That’s what we call Ecstatic Ecstasy™ and every relationship has the potential to experience this. The question is, are both people ready and willing to do what it takes to create that depth of unity.

Before we dive into this last set of questions for a new relationship, let’s be really honest. If you aren’t entering this new relationship with a truly rich and happy vision, with anticipation of the good, it offers a clear indicator that you continue to carry the “baggage” we always hear about. The truth is that, until released, that baggage will hinder, and eventually deteriorate, any new relationship. So you are invited to resolve that first. 

But if you’re ready for the best of the best, let’s look at these questions that reveal your capacity for ecstasy individually and together. 

  1. Personal Ecstasy: What experiences in life make you feel most alive? 
  2. Passion: What are so passionate about that, if you had no other responsibilities, you would spend as much time as possible doing/experiencing?
  3. Mission / calling: What do you feel you came here to contribute to humanity? What is your personal and unique greatest gift you could give another?
  4. Sensuality: What brings out your sensuality? What is your deepest pleasure outside of sexuality?
  5. Sexuality: Are you willing to allow our sexuality to have a life of its own? While of course honoring your boundaries, what most limits your capacity for sexual ecstasy?
  6. Control: If divine union required letting go of yourself, and even control, would you allow it?
  7. Spirituality: Do you feel there is something greater at work than you or I, and our personalities, in life? Do you feel like this force is a benevolent force for good?

How to evaluate the answers

Let’s go backwards in our evaluation of the answers to these 21 questions for a new relationship. First, as you reflect on both of your answers to this last set of questions, it’s important to note whether each of you can identify and connect with your own ecstasy regardless of whether you’re in a relationship or not. Too many people come to relationships believing they will get things from their new relationship. In particular many will expect to get experiences such as love, security, happiness, excitement that they feel are lacking in their single life. 

While you can of course amplify these experiences through a romantic relationship, you cannot get them from the relationship. These expectations are actually one of the biggest reasons people think relationships are hard and one of the key reasons they ultimately fail. If, on the other hand, you bring your fullness to the relationship, rather than trying to get your “completeness” from it, the new connection will not only have a much better chance of success, it will truly lead you to the greatest of intimacies, pleasures, and joys you’ve not yet imagined. Yes, it can be that good. 

Now, reflecting back further. All relationships have ups and downs, pushes and pulls, generosity and receptivity. It’s true that these can be challenging to navigate, especially when no one has taught us or shown us how to navigate these inevitable upsets, consciously. Compound that with the deep societal confusion about what masculine and feminine energy is and why it’s important, and we have the perfect setup to push each other away over time, rather than deepening through the available intimacy. So, consider, as you reflect on the second set of answers, whether you’re both willing to work through the tough stuff.

Then, going back to our first set of questions for a new relationship, whether we’re talking about ecstasy or intimacy, they don’t matter if you don’t have authenticity at the foundation. Soul connections call for authenticity. Their purpose is to marry authenticity, intimacy and ecstasy to create the deepest fulfillment we can know as human beings. But that takes courage. Great courage.

But here’s the greatest truth of all when it comes to reflecting on these 21 questions for a new relationship… 

It’s all about the vulnerability to be real. That puts the real in real love. More so, all magic happens outside our known habituated routines and responses. Best evers happen in the unknown. They happen outside your comfort zone. (And best evers are about way more than sex.)

May your next new relationship be your best ever, over and over again.  


Since 2006, highly conscious men and women, with a commitment to extraordinary relationships, have chosen Ecstatic Intimacy to find and cultivate Soul Partnerships from their bedrooms to their boardrooms. Ecstatic Intimacy believes in coveted relationships, for all. 

You too, are invited…

*At Ecstatic Intimacy, an all-inclusive website for singles and couples, we welcome all sexual orientation(s), gender(s) and relationship expressions. In this article we utilize the pronouns he/she/him/her.

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2 Comments

  1. Lisa H on December 7, 2023 at 9:59 pm

    Wow, this a wonderfully comprehensive set of questions and framing for anyone looking to engage in conscious communion with another.
    It absolutely sings to me… and as I’m looking forward to the journey of exploring my next relationship, I’m looking forward to using it.! Thank you, Joanna.

  2. Chinemerem on December 14, 2023 at 9:47 am

    Great! I’m going to apply this. Thank you so much!

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