34 Significant Indicators of Conscious Relationship
Conscious Relationship happens when two people choose to commit themselves to Love. Yes, they may commit themselves to a relationship, but more importantly they commit themselves to Love itself. When the focus rests on Love, then the relating can be nothing other than considerate. It becomes intentional, kind, compassionate, expansive and growth-filled, even between two wholly imperfect human beings. In the earliest moments of dating, before a “relationship” forms, conscious relating invites both people to be aware and mindful of themselves and each other.
Below you’ll find 34 different examples of how conscious partners, soul mates and even dates relate to each other. You’ll see conscious relationship through the lenses of conscious love, conscious communication, conscious intimacy, conscious sexuality and yes, conscious conflict. To be clear, conscious relationships don’t have to be stressful or a lot of work, and they do require attention and intention, just like anything of importance does.
On the contrary unconscious relationships require way more energy because they simply have more struggle. Unconscious relationships create misery. So an ounce of attention mixed with a dash of intention can prevent thousands of heartache moments.
- Staying Open. Soulmate relationships are designed to evolve our souls which means our soul mate partner will also be our master button pusher. They will trigger our unconscious hurts and fears and the tendency, when we feel hurt or upset, is to close down. In a conscious relationship we commit to staying open even when we want to close.
- Unconditional. Human minds are all about fear, doubt and judgment, and our partners make perfect targets for all three. Anytime our partner doesn’t act in accordance with our projections of what should be, we’ll resist. We’ll try to change them. In an unconditional partnership we don’t try to change our partner – even if their way of being upsets us.
- Choice. If our partner’s behaviors, habits, or ways of being upset us, or most especially if they hurt us, then we must consciously choose whether to remain in the relationship. A conscious relationship can only rest on the foundation of two people choosing to be in the partnership – embracing the good, the bad and the ugly of their partner.
- Without expectation. A spiritual sage once said, “Expectations are a direct ticket to hell.” When we hold expectations in a relationship, our partner is bound to fall short. They will let us down, disappoint us. More than once. In conscious relationships we strive for acceptance, trust, and honor over expectations.
- Self-Love. You’ve heard it a million times and the idea may still annoy you. Yet, the strength of your relationship with you determines the strength of your relationship with another. When you allow yourself to be seen in the good, the bad and the ugly – when you respect the whole of you this much – you are finally available for love.
- Sovereignty begets unity. Too often codependence and enmeshment get mistaken for unity. The formation of a healthy partnership requires two fully independent people, who maintain their sovereign selves, who choose to come together in loving intimacy. True union becomes possible when you honor you and your partner honors themselves.
- Healthy Boundaries. Building on our previous point, maintaining sovereignty means we must know and express our boundaries – all of them. We must be willing to say no, even when we imagine our partner will be disappointed. We cannot avoid upsets or attempt to keep the peace by giving up ourselves in favor of our partner. It will always backfire.
- Interdependence. Without question, a solid partnership has its roots in sovereignty where you recognize and maintain the independent distinct you. And, at the same time, partnership requires that you also choose to depend on each other. True connection can not exist without interdependence.
- Trust. Conscious partners trust, but not in the way you might think. Most people focus on “Do I trust them?” Trust doesn’t start here. As you begin to explore the depths of trust, you will discover that you’ll never be able to trust another until you trust yourself. So, as you seek and build conscious relationships, seek to know you and trust you.
- Uncompromising. Most people believe that good relationships require compromise. Yet, over time, compromise damages relationships because in compromise, someone loses. When you stay true to yourself while considering your partner’s perspective, you will find a solution beyond compromise, a path on which both partners feel blessed rather than defeated.
- Non-attachment. Most people believe that if we love someone, especially if we’re married, we must be attached to them. Yet, attachment perpetuates inauthenticity and people-pleasing which leads to resentment and disconnection. If you can hold your beloved with an open palm, and they stay, the love will be magical. If you trap them in your grasp, you strangle love.
- Putting Yourself First. Common culture says, “Set yourself aside for the benefit of your partner.” Yet, those who regularly self-abandon by putting everyone else first, know the grudges they hold make it hard to stay in love. If you’re both being true to yourselves and there’s still a relationship, then it’s likely a good one.
- Intentional. In a conscious relationship, partners recognize that anything of quality needs care and attention. They know that if you take something of value for granted, if you don’t regularly invest in it, it’s value diminishes, as does it’s beauty. The same goes for romantic relationships. Stay intentional, regular, consistent, in your care.
- Conscious Agreements. In a new relationship, or in a new phase of a relationship, couples create Conscious Beginnings rituals. These intentional acts often include intentions, blessings, and agreements for the relationship. Together the couple writes their agreements defining how they’ll consciously approach things like communication, upsets, personal growth, and even well being.
- Soul Purpose of Relationship. When soul mates come together in romantic relationship, the reason for that relationship is often greater than the hearts and happiness of the two individuals. When soul mates unite in love, often during Conscious Beginnings rituals, couples will form a purpose statement that they together fulfill in the world.
- Wholeness. “You complete me” doesn’t work in romance. Conscious partners know that their partners, no matter how wonderful they are, can not fill empty holes of insecurity, love, or unhappiness. The best relationships happen when both people know they are whole and complete on their own (yet of course with our inevitable imperfections.)
- In-2-Me-I-C – This practice makes putting yourself first possible. Before you can share needs, wants, desires, turn-ons, preferences and the like with your partner, you have to know what you need, know what you feel. Yet, so many in partnership lose themselves because they stop paying attention to themselves. When you care for you, your partner can care for you.
- In-2-Me-U-C – In relationships, one of the things we deeply crave is being seen. We want to be known and honored for who we are. Yet, most people put up walls of protection. They keep parts of themselves hidden, yet still want to be loved for all of who they are. In conscious intimacy, you let your partner see into you. You let them know the parts you like and the parts you don’t like.
- Vulnerability – Let’s be real, letting someone see you – see all of you – is vulnerable. You can not be intimate without vulnerability. You must risk in order to love. Yet, when we embrace our vulnerability, when we take a chance on love, when we’re willing to risk heartache, then we can open to the true depths of love.
- Seek first to Hear. Conscious listening means listening to receive. As the listener, your job is not to listen in order to be able to justify your position nor defend it. As a conscious listener, you trust that you’ll know what to say when it’s your turn to speak and therefore your attention can be on understanding your partner – their perspective, their needs, their feelings.
- Authenticity. Most couples who create conscious relationship agreements include an agreement about authenticity, specifically that they will be as authentic as their own consciousness allows. Agreeing to authenticity gives each person the space and trust to be themselves and to not pretend to be anything they aren’t. That’s freedom in love.
- Honesty. Being honest pairs closely with authenticity in that couples also agree to be honest with each other, even when they think the truth might hurt. The future pain of a lie (even a white lie) is much greater than the present pain of truth. Every little lie undermines the foundational strength of your relationship.
- Men and Women speak differently. When it comes to communication, men and women speak for different purposes with different intentions. What makes a man open in a conversation is different from what opens up a woman. From the number of words they use to the emotionality or rationality behind them, if you love the opposite sex, your relationship will be served by understanding how they communicate.
- Honoring Emotion. Emotions are the language of intimacy. We know we’re in love because of what we feel. We know we are hurt or upset by how we feel. Upsets end when we are heard for how we feel. To have a deep soulfully connected relationship that takes your breath away, you’ll want to speak this powerful language of love.
- Embracing Conflict. Conflict is inevitable. Conflict is not a problem (unless we think it is). Conflict is a natural part of living and loving fully – authentically. In the second phase of the soul love journey, partners discover that when we embrace upsets and challenges, when you know how to navigate conflict with consciousness, then conflict turns into communion.
- Taking Responsibility. In conscious partnerships, the most powerful question conscious partners ask themselves when an upset happens is “What’s my part in this?” In common relationships, blaming takes the forefront. In conscious relationships, taking personal responsibility ends conflicts more quickly and brings partners even closer.
- Apologies. When it comes to hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and even outright arguments, as we said above, conscious partners take responsibility for their part. From love, they apologize to their partners for the pain their action or inaction caused. Again, it’s not about blame. It’s about connection. Even though we might argue differently, apologies bring us back to love.
- Staying in. Sometimes in our upsets, especially when they trigger feelings of insecurity or vulnerability, we’d rather get away and ignore the hurt, rather than face it. Our impulse might be to say, “screw it” and walk away. We might want to bust up the relationship to escape our aching heart. Yet, conscious lovers know that staying in will always strengthen their bond. Not easy, but powerful.
- It’s imperfect. The truth is being human is messy. We can’t organize our hearts. Controlling emotions only buries them to resurface later. We don’t always make sense. And, that’s normal. Imperfection turns into beautiful love when we allow it to be. It means we get to ask for and grant “do overs,” because no one is perfect. Ever.
- You talk about it. Sexuality happens to be one of the most extraordinary and one of the most challenging aspects of relationship. It’s the “place” where we are most exposed, most vulnerable, or at least it can be. That makes it critically important to have the language, confidence and security to talk about it. Talk about turn-ons, turn-offs, desires, boundaries, fantasies and the like. And, to be accepted for them.
- You kiss. Yes, you kiss. Regularly. Kissing is another intimate experience that bonds us. In the early days of dating, kissing can be long, slow, sweet, deep, intense, passionate – alive. Conscious lovers keep kissing. They keep finding the pleasures of their lips on all parts of the body.
- It’s slow. Hard and fast doesn’t do it for conscious lovers. They know that the most exquisite and mind blowing sensations arise from the slow and sensual. They meet each other in the depths of pleasure that flow from meeting heart-to-heart, body-to-body and soul-to-soul.
- There’s polarity. The strongest chemistry and magnetic attraction occurs between pairs of opposites. Regardless of gender or sexual orientation, masculine and feminine energies magnetize each other. Masculine energy initiates, directs, and ravishes, while feminine energy receives, surrenders, and luxuriates.
- Heart and Sex. The best love making happens when heart and sex unite and spirit leads. We each embody both masculine and feminine energy and when we connect our hearts with our sexual centers, then true energetic magic can happen within, between and beyond us, taking ecstasy to greater and greater heights.
Take heart, we’ve all experienced (and created) unconscious relationship habits and patterns, and once we know better, we can do better. Few have witnessed true conscious relating firsthand; so, we’ve been left to our own best intentions, but without wisdom even our best can leave us challenged.
Identifying the places where our unconscious reflexes and reactions happen in our intimate relationships (all relationships for that matter) begins to build the muscles and habits of conscious loving. It is a learned approach for nearly everyone. It’s an approach that when we learn and practice, practice and learn, reassuring ourselves along the way that there’s no need to be perfect, we can begin to embody the wisdom, skills, and most especially the joy of conscious partnership.
It starts one step at a time. When you hold the vision, set the intention and follow the energy, magical love in a true conscious relationship is possible.
*At Ecstatic Intimacy, an all-inclusive website for singles and couples, we welcome all sexual orientation(s), gender(s) and relationship expressions. In this article we utilize the pronouns he/she/him/her.
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May 13-15 2022
May 13-15 2022