dating coach

A Dating Coach: When to Find One and When Not To

When your heart wants to find romantic love, hiring a dating coach can seem like the fastest way to your desired destination. If you want a relationship, you have to be good at dating, right? Well, maybe. 

Today’s modern approach to seeking love often drives us to dating apps, speed dating, singles mixers, and the dreaded “bar” scene. Hope often rides high as you post your profile or walk into that mixer, yet all too often disappointment happens once again. If you’ve approached dating in these forums, you know that while yes, amazing wonderful people post profiles and come to events, you also know that many many people on the apps, at mixers, and in the bars have no idea how to be a great partner, how to carry on an intimate conversation, or how to truly make you feel special. Yet, don’t those abilities truly matter when it comes to dating?

Successful dating absolutely requires skills of presence and communication. It requires an open heart and an attractive nature. Our capacity to date well means we must know what we want in a partner and how to recognize when we meet them. We need to know what to do when we get scared, because, no doubt, we will get scared. It’s only a matter of what we get scared of – intimacy, commitment, rejection, abandonment, heartbreak. If we want to go beyond dating into sustained love we need to know how to consciously navigate sex for the first time, how to walk through our first disagreements, and when to move from dating into a relationship. Is that what a dating coach offers? Let’s explore… 


What is a dating coach?

Before we answer the question, what does a dating coach do, let’s first remind ourselves at a high level what dating is and why we do it. In its simplest form, dating entails making social connections for the purposes of finding a romantic partner, in particular a spouse or life partner. In other words, most don’t date because they want to date forever. They don’t date because meeting new people socially over and over for weeks, months, and years on end feels fun. They date because it’s a means to an end. Dating is usually part of a journey from single to partnered.

So how does a dating coach fit into that? First, a coach, by definition, works with someone to improve their skills, help them move beyond their bad habits, and support them to perform better overall in a particular area. So again, by definition, a dating coach focuses on helping you improve your dating skills. 

You would hire a dating coach because you want to hone and even master the topic at hand, in this case dating. Some of the things that a dating coach helps with include:

  • How to attract someone
  • What to say to someone you meet; in some cases, especially with a dating coach for men, they offer handy “pick up” lines
  • How and when to exchange contact information
  • Flirting techniques
  • When to kiss and when to have sex
  • Where to find people to date
  • What to wear on a date
  • How to behave – what to do and not to do 
  • How to turn down a date
  • Writing dating profiles

These aspects of dating of course matter. Yet, the real dating problems, and opportunities, arise because most people aren’t actually prepared to date – although they absolutely believe they are. It takes a wise person to admit that the internal foundation for love needs to be reinforced before they start dating. 

So maybe you need a dating coach, maybe not. Let’s continue… 


The truth about dating

If we can’t truly open to, trust, and receive love, if we don’t have the capacity and courage to authentically relate, then dating usually turns into a fruitless depressing endeavor with a wash-rinse-repeat cycle; different person, same result. Yet, with the right first steps and a solid foundation of love, dating can be a quick and relatively easy step on the path to soulful love. 

In practicality, dating is just a relationship with a shorter timeline. It’s a stage in the relationship process. Yet, when dating is looked at in isolation, as it often is with dating coaching, your dating skills will simply bring you more dating. It won’t deliver your the real prize of sustainable soul love because it skips over the actual issues.  Let’s put it this way… 

You don’t learn how to attract someone, you become attractive.

You don’t learn how to connect with someone, you become an authentic communicator. 

You don’t dress to impress, you do you. 

You don’t make flirty moves, you set the flirt in you free with your confidence and your heart. 

You don’t learn where to go to find men or women you’re attracted to, you start living your life and the universe delivers. 

It’s not about writing the best profile, it’s about sharing the real you. 

It’s not about timing or numbers, it’s about being ready and available. 

It’s realizing that dating doesn’t heal wounds or make us forget, it triggers what’s unresolved in us, and too often harms another in the process.  

What most dating coaches won’t tell you, and what many want-to-be-great-daters honestly aren’t willing to hear, is that you might actually speed up the dating (and the getting-to-relationship) process by taking a couple of months off. With good guidance, and maybe even some powerful “exercises” for the heart, in that time you can quickly get ready for your soulmate. That’s when dating becomes a natural and truly fun experience. 


What you might want instead of a dating coach 

When we’re comfortable being authentically ourselves, when we trust the process of relationships, when we truly believe in the power of love, when we have the courage to walk through arguments and upsets consciously, when have genuinely left our past hurts and resentments behind us, then, even without coaching, our dating skills will typically be quite good – plenty good enough – to attract a soul connection and turn that meeting into a lifetime partnership.

A dating coach won’t help us with the opening, preparing and receiving part of the process. They won’t likely help you move beyond the self sabotaging walls of protection that no matter how many dates you go on, or how skillful you might be in flirting, inevitably stand guard against your goal of lifetime partnership. 

To prepare for love, to get ready to be in and sustain a relationship, you might need a different kind of coach, you might need a therapist, you might benefit from a course about love, or maybe all three. 

Instead of a dating coach, as we mentioned above, you might want to find support that allows you to…

  1. Feel genuinely attractive by being authentically you (It’s not about being what you think they are attracted to or doing anything whatsoever to be attractive. It’s about being the real you that is automatically magnetically attractive to your soulmate.)
  2. Express and embody your innate masculine and feminine energy because it’s the key to sustainable chemistry, attraction and polarity. (It’s not about behaviors or techniques, it’s about natural energetics.)
  3. Know you are completely lovable, deserving, and fully worthy of love, immense love. (It’s not about doing things that make them love you more – that can be self abandonment – it’s about doing you and nothing but you. If they’re a fit, they’ll find you doing you quite sexy.)
  4. Clean up and release any emotional or energetic baggage you might be carrying from past relationships. (It’s not about dating to get over someone or practice dating, as some dating coaches might suggest, it’s about your Conscious Completions process(es) so you can fully open your heart in trust and love to another.) 
  5. Consciously relate soul-to-soul, including embracing the inevitable conflicts and upsets that will arise, sometimes as early as the first date. (It’s not about being such a match that neither of you ever gets upset, it’s about knowing how to fight consciously and be stronger for it together.) 

With these considerations and awarenesses in mind, you’ll intuitively know if a dating coach, or if some other form of support and education, will best serve you, your heart, and your future relationship. Ask yourself why you want support. Ask yourself what challenges or habits you want to overcome as well as what your deepest desires and long term goals are when it comes to love. Then, if you’re courageous, ask yourself what’s truly in the way – and listen to your heart not your head. Consider what you really need to learn or to let go of. Get as honest as possible about what your heart genuinely needs in order to be ready to give and receive true love

Then, if you realize you really just need the simple how to’s of dating, a dating coach and the definitive guide to conscious dating may be great for you. If your deeper inner looking reveals other barriers to love and sustained partnership, you might consider other more deeply supportive options. 

Since 2006, highly conscious men and women, with a commitment to extraordinary relationships, have chosen Ecstatic Intimacy to find and cultivate Soul Partnerships from their bedrooms to their boardrooms. Ecstatic Intimacy believes in coveted relationships, for all. 

You too, are invited…

*At Ecstatic Intimacy, an all-inclusive website for singles and couples, we welcome all sexual orientation(s), gender(s) and relationship expressions. In this article we utilize the pronouns he/she/him/her.

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