Avoidant Attachment Style and the Masculine and Feminine: According to Ecstatic Intimacy

When one partner in a relationship has an avoidant attachment style both partners may find the relationship challenging, especially in more stressful or conflicted moments. It may seem as if all is going well and the connection feels strong. Then, sometimes in just a few minutes, the partners may feel just the opposite. In particular, the partner who does not have an avoidant attachment style may feel as if the connection was severed quite quickly. The partner with the avoidant attachment style may not realize, or even consciously feel, the change. Learning to consciously navigate this relationship challenge matters.

One of the myths we need to immediately dispel about those with an avoidant attachment style is that while it may seem as if they don’t actually desire connection. Underneath they definitely do. We all, regardless of our attachment style, need and desire attachment with other people, including with a romantic partner. However those with avoidant attachment, in many ways find it much more frightening to make or sustain intimate connections than others do. In contrast, those with some of the other primary attachment styles – whether secure or not – will typically feel more comfortable and desirous of intimate connection.

Here we’ll explore an avoidant attachment style definition along with how to recognize it when it happens in relationships and dating. Next we’ll consider the impact of the avoidant attachment style in romance along with how masculine-feminine dynamics play a part in attachment patterns in couples. Finally we’ll consider how to heal avoidant attachment style.

Let’s explore… 

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What is an avoidant attachment style?

In the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, they titled their detailed chapter on the avoidant attachment style “Keeping Love at Arms Length.” As Levine and Heller explore this attachment style in more depth, they describe an Avoidant person this way, “It is very important for you to maintain your independence and self sufficiency and you prefer autonomy to intimate relationships. Even though you want to be close to others, you feel uncomfortable with too much closeness and tend to keep your partner at arms length.”⁽¹⁾  They go on to say this, “If you’re avoidant, you connect with romantic partners but always maintain some mental distance and an escape route.”⁽²⁾ Finally they tell us that someone with an avoidant attachment style “tends to see the glass half-empty instead of half-full when it comes to their partner.”⁽³⁾ 

As you reflect on this definition, remember that all humans want to be connected. Yet as a result of life experiences, often in young childhood, some people feel more in control, and hence perceive a greater sense of safety, when they keep their distance in a relationship. The distancing and disconnecting patterns allow them to maintain a feeling of independence from their partners. That separation helps the person with the avoidant attachment style feel less threatened by the relationship and their partner. Of course, we know intellectually that their partner would rarely present an actual threat or danger, but to the avoidant type person it can feel as if they are in fact in danger. 

In the simplest terms someone with an avoidant attachment style simultaneously wants connection and avoids the very thing they desire. This can create great confusion for the ones they partner with and love. 

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What causes avoidant attachment style?

According to WebMD, people who develop an avoidant attachment style may have grown up in more extreme environments where they could have experienced trauma, abuse, or harsh controls and rules. However, others who grew up in less intense homes or families may also develop this attachment style. A person who grows up to have an avoidant attachment might have felt ridiculed or belittled. They may have been ignored or even shamed if they had needs or expressed emotions. These children might have been denied the important experiences of closeness and physical connection.⁽⁴⁾  

Healthline.com mentions that the loss of a parent or loved one, experiencing a divorce, may also cause an avoidant attachment style.⁽⁵⁾   MedicalNewsToday.com tells us that when a child attempts to bond, yet repeatedly feels rejected or denied that bonding, they can develop avoidant attachment. They go on to say that when a parent is emotionally unavailable or they themselves have an avoidant attachment style, this can be passed along to the child who then may develop similar patterns in relationships.⁽⁶⁾  

Finally, WebMD tells us that research indicates that in nearly 40% of people who have avoidant attachment style, genetics may have contributed to its development.⁽⁴⁾  

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Avoidant attachment style in relationship 

In relationships where one of the partners has an avoidant attachment style, the pair may struggle to consistently maintain connection. The attachment style of the other partner will play a significant role in determining how the avoidant attachment patterns impact the relationship. If the other partner has a secure attachment style, while still difficult for that partner, the patterns and behaviors of the avoidant partner will not typically cause as much pain or anxiety as they would for a partner with an anxious attachment style. 

While it might seem surprising, a person with an avoidant attachment style will often attract and pair with an anxious attachment style person. Yes, this usually creates discomfort and challenge for both partners and if we look at this pairing from a soul connection perspective, it makes perfect sense. When soulmates come together they meet and mate in order to evolve each other’s souls. That means in soulmate relationships the partners will find themselves, by definition, face to face with their greatest triggers, their greatest fears. 

The question these couples must answer is whether or not they have the courage and commitment to themselves, and to each other, that will allow them to face those fears. Each person must decide individually, and then together as a couple, if they are willing to seek the mentoring, coaching, therapy, workshops, or programs that will assist them in finding not just security with each other, but deep, shared, and sustained love and intimacy. 

It’s worth noting that rarely will two people who both have avoidant attachment styles find themselves dating or in a relationship together. Neither one would bring the level of commitment to connection they would need in order to actually navigate and remain connected through the inevitable upheavals they would surely experience. 

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Signs of avoidant attachment style in a relationship

In a relationship where one partner has an avoidant attachment style the two will need to remain conscious and attentive to the signs of avoidant attachment style playing out in the partnership dynamics. With a conscious awareness they can attend to the triggers and their causes before too much distance or too many challenges manifest between them. With that being said, the person with the avoidant attachment style has to, at some point, decide they want the opportunity for this healing. 

Let’s explore some of the signs of avoidant attachment style patterns playing out in a relationship. A person with an avoidant attachment style may do the following…

• Retreat or withdraw after a particularly close or intimate moment
• Favor physical intimacy over emotional intimacy
• Downplay their partner’s distress over something
• Label their partner as needy (vs having needs) 
• Dismiss their partner’s feeling and emotions
• Be emotionally unavailable 
• Prove, often over and over again, that they don’t need anyone
• Exhibit, often extreme, self sufficiency and independence 
• Avoid affection and touch
• Keep parts of their lives to themselves in order to help maintain separateness
• Be particularly controlling over how and when they connect with their partner
• Find fault easily in their partners

These habits and patterns can often leave the other person feeling a bit off balance. If you’re in a relationship with someone with an avoidant attachment style, you may regularly find yourself feeling unsure about what to expect. Moreover, if you are someone with an anxious attachment style this can feel, if even unconsciously, terrifying or devastating. Remember that recognizing these attachment patterns gives you both an opportunity to heal and move beyond the old, outdated approaches to love. 

If you find yourself in a relationship with an avoidant attachment style person or you want to know how to date an avoidant attachment style person, then you will first want to make sure that you have a strong relationship with yourself. This means that you have trust in yourself and your ability to relate consciously with your partner, even when their attachment patterns may be playing out. It means that you’ll need to be able to take a deep breath when you see these dynamics arising so you can maintain your ground. 

Your conscious presence can help create a safe space where your partner may feel comfortable and safe enough to begin healing their avoidant attachment style within your relationship. However, please know that you cannot heal nor cause to heal your partner’s attachment patterns. They must choose this for themselves. Then you can then support them in their process. 

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The Masculine – Feminine Correlation 

Interestingly, WebMD tells us that more men than women are likely to have an avoidant attachment style.⁽⁴⁾ We find this directly correlates with our 20+ years of experience working with the masculine and feminine energies within individuals and partnerships. As we contrast masculine and feminine energies, we see that masculine energy has an individualistic, thinking, competitive quality to it while feminine energy has community-oriented, feeling, and collaborative qualities. Masculine energy expresses as sovereignty while feminine expresses as unity. Similarly, many have heard, or personally experienced, the truth that masculinity seeks freedom while femininity seeks connection.

With these contrasts in mind, you can obviously see why these differences between the masculine and feminine create challenges in our romantic connections. We see this as particularly true when one partner has a predominant masculine essence while the other partner has a predominant feminine essence, which is the case in most romantic and sexual connections. As a matter of fact, we see that most relationship challenges are caused, at least in part, by our misunderstandings and judgements of these two energies. So how does avoidant attachment style fit in here?

Considering the masculine feminine energy differences outlined, we begin to see the clear correlation between masculine energy and avoidant attachment style patterns. We will later see that anxious attachment style correlates directly with feminine energy. Yet to be explicit, while WebMD indicates that it’s more common for men to have an avoidant attachment style, women can absolutely have it too. 

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Attachment, Trauma and the Masculine and Feminine

We see that anyone who expresses strong, and often predominant, masculine energy, whether male, female, or non-binary, will more likely take on an avoidant attachment style. Likewise, just as experiencing trauma can trigger avoidant attachment style, we also know that those who have experienced past trauma often respond by taking on a more masculine approach to life. Hence, living through traumatic experiences can trigger both a masculine approach to life and avoidant attachment style. 

In contrast, it would be highly unlikely, if not impossible, for someone with strong predominant feminine energy to embody an avoidant attachment style. The avoidant style itself along with its signs and patterns operates completely counter to the ways in which feminine energy, by definition, seeks connection. 

Going further, the masculine innately fears losing itself and its sovereignty when in connection while the feminine fears losing connection and unity in sovereignty. Yet, as we know, sustainable partnerships require integrated masculine and feminine energy within and between partners. Therefore a person with stronger masculine energy will absolutely need to maintain individuality and a sense of personal individuality while also cultivating its capacity for closeness and connection. This awareness lies at the foundation of healing avoidant attachment style accompanied by the overuse of masculine energy. 

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How to heal avoidant attachment style 

If you’re now asking, how do I fix my avoidant attachment style, understanding your relationship with your own masculine and feminine energy offers several clues. Healing an avoidant attachment style starts with developing a conscious, and most importantly healthy, relationship to your own inner masculine and feminine energy. In particular, this means reflecting on how you may have developed patterns of overusing masculine energy while also avoiding or underusing of feminine energy. 

Those with avoidant attachment style often despise and therefore reject their feminine nature because they perceive it as weak, powerless, and unsafe. On closer inspection, we will see the reality that the feminine has immense power and actually, in many cases, makes us safer. Therefore it is important to explore the judgments and projections you personally hold about feminine energy. When you want to harmonize masculine and feminine energy – in order to move from an avoidant attachment pattern toward a secure attachment style – the feminine within you must be allowed to counterbalance the overused masculine energy. Masculine becomes most healthy, empowered, conscious, and even divine when it is supported from within by feminine energy.  

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Masculine becomes most healthy, empowered, conscious, and even Divine when it is supported from within by feminine energy.  ~Joanna Shakti

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In order to be successful and transformative, this healing process must be approached slowly, consciously, with kindness and grace for yourself and anyone you might be in relationship with. Take one small step at a time. We cannot push nor force the process. Our fears need tenderness and with that tenderness, you may just realize that relationships, here today, as an adult, are not nearly as dangerous as you once thought they might be. As a matter of fact, you may even come to realize that consciously aligned, intimate relationships offer a source of strength and security. 

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Again, as we close, it feels important to remind us that those with avoidant attachment style do desire love and connection. At a soul level, they want it as much as any other human being. Often, life in the past simply taught them that relying on another, having them respond with love and care, was inconsistent or even nonexistent. They often felt as if who they were as a person wasn’t enough to sustain love. 

If this were the case for you or for someone you love, you can surely imagine why opening to love and connection might feel immensely risky. You can see why it might be hard to trust the security of a connection. So, again, please lean into and cultivate compassion for the one who has taken on an avoidant attachment style – whether that be you or someone you love.

This of course doesn’t mean we’ll never make mistakes or push each other’s buttons in a relationship. We absolutely will. Yet, as someone takes the steps to fix an avoidant attachment style and begins to feel secure in a relationship, they will find that the inevitable missteps won’t throw them into fear or panic in the same ways. This means that relationship upsets become something they navigate naturally in a way that actually strengthens the relationship. Those in our program communities know that with this healthy attachment in love conflict becomes communion. 

So our prayer is that you, or your beloved, deepen your relationship with the conscious and divine masculine feminine energies within and between you in such a way that you feel safer than you ever have before in life and love. We trust that you will come to know how deeply worthy of love you are. We hope that you realize that you, without a doubt, have the capacity to trust and relax in love. 

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Since 2006, highly conscious men and women, with a commitment to extraordinary relationships, have chosen Ecstatic Intimacy to find and cultivate Soul Partnerships from their bedrooms to their boardrooms. Ecstatic Intimacy believes in coveted relationships, for all. 

You too, are invited…

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References:

1. Levine, A., & Heller, R.  Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find–and keep–love. Jeremy P. Tarcher, an imprint of Penguin Random House LLC, 2010 p. 44 
2. Levine, A., & Heller, R.  p. 116
3. Levine, A., & Heller, R.  p. 120
4. Levine, Hallie. “What Is Avoidant Attachment?” WebMD, 17 January 2025, https://www.webmd.com/parenting/what-is-avoidant-attachment
5. Lockett, Eleesha, MS. “Your Guide to Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style” Healthline, 20 March 2024, https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/dismissive-avoidant-attachment
6. Anna Smith Haghighi. “What is avoidant attachment?” Medical News Today, 25 April 2025, https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/avoidant-attachment