Barriers to Great Sex

Barriers to Great Sex – Part I

Almost all of us want great sex.  Almost all of us want to experience intense pleasure during lovemaking.  Yet, sometimes that pleasure, those true “oh my God” moments elude us.  And that goes for both men and women.

Some days good connecting sex… not out-of-this-world, not life-changing sex… just good sex… feeds our soul… gives us everything we need as individuals and as a couple in that moment.

Other days, we want more... those screaming, mind-blowing, better-than-ever, breathtaking orgasms… for ourselves and our partner.  Yet, no matter how much we want that, no matter how much we try, we often don’t know how to create that depth of pleasure.

Let’s explore what gets in the way of… or in other words the barriers to… our orgasmic potential and deepest pleasure.

What Gets in the Way of Great Sex for Women?

Let’s start with the women… During one of the exercises I do in my programs, I heard a women say something I’ve known personally, but never articulated so simply.  She said, “When I’m exhausted sex is a chore.”

I’ve felt that way so many times and been riddled with guilt and self-judgment.  “I should want it even when I’m tired.  I’m not a good partner.  Come on, you teach this stuff, find your turn-on.”  Yet, it rarely works.  And, to be perfectly honest, sometimes resentment builds in me.   Other times, I truly do want to connect or I’d like to have a good orgasm, but I know I don’t really have the energy.

Unfortunately, my trying to want sex (especially when my trying leads to resentment) is so detrimental to the relationship.


The act that’s meant to bring us into union, actually disconnects us further. 


I see 3 lessons or invitations I’d like to share with you when this situation arises for you or your partner.

1) If we’re TOO tired.

It’s our job, to say no, to suggest another time, in spite of all the judgments that might be popping into our head.  Saying no when we truly don’t want to, is not-only an act of self-care, it’s an act of relationship-care.  Resentment is one of the biggest killers of love and passion.

If you’re the partner that’s wanting sex and she is saying no because she’s too tired, (I’m using feminine pronouns here because more commonly, it is the women who’s too exhausted) know that your partner is doing you, her, and the relationship a favor by being honest.


If she says no to sex, because she truly is too tired, she is doing you, her, and the relationship a favor by being honest.


It may not seem so in the moment, but look for the bigger picture… Do you really want her acting out of obligation?  Do you really enjoy sex that much when she’s going through the motions?  What will her resentment do to your relationship over time?  That leads us to lesson #2.

2) If your partner is constantly exhausted, ask yourself two things…

What can I do to help? and How could I create a time and place for us to make love when she’s energized and taken care of.    


You don’t have to be the victim of her exhaustion.

This is an opportunity for you to step in and step up… maybe even be her hero.


First, you might take some of the tasks off her ‘to do’ list and do them yourself. Would it be worth a little extra work so both of you have more pleasure, more CONNECTED pleasure?  You might look together at your priorities as a couple, are there activities that can be set aside for a while so that your pleasure and connection moves much higher on the priority list.

As for creating a time and a place, can the two of you make love in the morning? or right after work?  on your lunch hour?  What about a Sunday morning “sleep-in” or a Saturday afternoon romp?

Is she so tired that she needs a long weekend away?  If so, would you willingly plan it?  THEN remember that you’ll likely need to give her some time to rest before she’s going to be super excited about lovemaking.  If you arrive Thursday night, it could be late in the day Saturday before she’s really feeling open to her frisky-ness.

3) Ladies, this one is yours.  We are the ones that drive ourselves to the point of exhaustion.

We deny ourselves pleasure by our insistent drive to do more, be more.  Yes, I know you might have kids or a high-demanding job, and I wonder how much more your kids might enjoy a mom who’s pleasured, happy and satisfied.  I wonder how much more creative you’d be on the job or how much quicker things might get done with a little spark in your step.  Your man can’t fix this for you.  He can certainly help, but you have to choose it.  You have to say yes to your own pleasure.  You have to choose to make pleasure a priority.


You have to choose to make pleasure a priority.  Your man can’t fix this for you.


Being too tired is probably the number one barrier to great sex.  And, although I don’t think most of our society believes this anymore, the lack of good sexual and intimate connection with your partner drives breakups and divorces… for men and women alike.


How can you stop letting exhaustion be a barrier to your orgasmic potential?


Please leave your thoughts and comments below…

In love, light and ecstasy,


Joanna Shakti

*At Ecstatic Intimacy, an all-inclusive website for singles and couples, we welcome all sexual orientation(s), gender(s) and relationship expressions. In this article we utilize the pronouns he/she/him/her.

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