Barriers to Great Sex – Part II
I debated, when starting this article, which barrier created the biggest obstacles to great sex: lack of technique, lack of confidence, or shame, guilt, and embarrassment…
If we’re willing to look, we’ll actually find that many obstacles get in the way of passion, love, and orgasms. And, if I were to consider only the three I mentioned above, then hands down, the emotions of shame, guilt, and embarrassment create our biggest barrier. They block us from not only our deepest pleasure, but also from our most profound heart connection, and our biggest successes in life. That’s a pretty high price to pay in order to hold up our societal “rules” about sex (even if we don’t think we believe in those rules!).
Simply consider… How welcome is the topic of sex at any dinner conversation? It’s funny… I experience it both as a desperate desire and a great taboo. As I’ve observed over the years, I’ve noticed that once a conversation turns toward sex, about half of the people excitedly join in, while part of remaining people love listening but would never speak, and the rest want to run and hide. Which one are you?
Even though most of us hunger for conversation on the topic of sex, few have the courage to bring the behind-closed-door topic up. Our society has for centuries taught us to repress our sexual desires, pretend our sexual fantasies don’t exist, and that the nooky in the bedroom never happened. The result: shame, guilt and embarrassment.
We all have sexual desires. We all have fantasies of one form or another. Most of us have done the deed. So if all of that is “wrong” in the eyes of the culture we live in, how can we help but feel some shame, guilt and embarrassment. How can we not hide at least part of our sexual personality?
To me our societal norms seem crazy. Sex, this powerful and profound experience that practically every adult craves at least some time in his or her life, remains a taboo topic. Sometimes we try to ignore this powerful energy source. Some of us decide it’s not important and we don’t need it. I’d argue that’s not true. I’d argue that it’s critical to our happiness, love, health and prosperity.
Sex has the power to open our hearts, bring us great joy, make us smile, give use great pleasure, manifest our dreams, and even heal our bodies.
Why do we try to keep sex in the dark? Under the covers? Behind closed doors?
A myriad of life factors create our repression: religion, fear of power, fear of surrender, self judgment, fear of “getting caught”, fear of pregnancy or illness… For many of us growing up, we were told “sex before marriage” was a sin. If we explored our sexuality as teenagers, we might have been considered, or even told, we were sleazy, slutty, promiscuous, or other painful judgments.
Look back on your life, were you called names or told you were “bad” because of your sexual thoughts or acts?
Did you learn to feel guilty for you desires because a man or woman turned you down?
Do you desire or fantasize about something that you’re so ashamed of you’d ‘never’ tell?
These experiences anytime they happen shut down our capacity for sexual pleasure and connection. They limit our orgasmic potential.
Maybe we fumbled a time or two in the beginning. Maybe sometimes we still feel like we don’t know what we’re doing or that our body doesn’t look right or do it right. Again, we hold back in embarrassment.
Then, of course, we can view orgasms themselves as embarrassing. We might think, “Oh my God, I make those sounds and those faces!” Once again, we try to hide our sexual expression.
When I was young I didn’t want to be seen that way… I had no idea that it was actually beautiful. I wanted the pleasure. I fought the pleasure.
I’ve experienced it personally. I’ve witnessed it in men and women alike in my one-on-one sessions and programs. It’s time for a change.
Wouldn’t it be great if we could leave a party saying, “We’re leaving early to go home and make love!” and then our friends would smile and send us blessings? How wonderful would that be?
Ask yourself, how have shame, guilt, and embarrassment gotten in the way of your lovemaking? How… whether you’re in your 30s 40s 50s 60s… do they still get in the way of your deepest pleasure? Of expressing and exploring your deepest desires? Allowing yourself to enjoy your fantasies?
Is it time to let that old consciousness go?
*At Ecstatic Intimacy, an all-inclusive website for singles and couples, we welcome all sexual orientation(s), gender(s) and relationship expressions. In this article we utilize the pronouns he/she/him/her.