Beyond Self Absorbed:  How to Recognize and Shift Self Centeredness

We’re all a little bit, sometimes even a lot, self-absorbed. Most of us are probably more self absorbed than we’d like to admit. It’s a normal part of being human and evolving our souls, yet the real question is, when are we going overboard? When does being self absorbed start to cause problems in our life and relationships? How can we move from a blinding self focus to a more healthy self-aware and self loving presence in union with others?

In order to exist, in order to survive, we do need our egos and the associated self-centeredness. It’s only the misunderstood spiritual path that says we shouldn’t be selfish, that we should strive to be selfless. This spiritual or new age idealism actually destroys our health and our relationships. It makes us unhappy. So while being self absorbed may not support our highteset well-being, we definitely need a little self centeredness.

As we understand the dynamics of being self absorbed, we’ll see that we actually need an organic flow and harmony of being both self-ish and selfless. You’ll see that when we embody both consciously, together they become the path to true love, divine union, and sacred ecstasy. We’ll begin by giving the phrase self absorbed meaning. Then we’ll explore the exact reasons we become too caught up in ourselves. Finally, we’ll conclude with specific practices and paths to be less self absorbed and more self-ish, where self-ish means we have a conscious self relationship based in love and honor.  

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What does self absorbed mean?

In its simplest form, self absorbed means being narrowly focused on and completely engrossed in one’s own experience such that we become blind to others and the rest of life. When self absorbed we have little or no capacity to see, acknowledge, or care for other people and their personal experiences. In this self focused state the needs and dramas of our own life take center stage in our thoughts, actions, conversations, and relationships, often to the detriment of people around us.

We are self absorbed when the only thing we can see is ourselves – our life, our fears, our wounds, our wants, and our survival. As much as we might want to be attentive to others we have little ability to do so. 

“We are self absorbed when the only thing we can see is ourselves – our life, our fears, our wounds, our wants, and our survival.” 

Even those who might appear the opposite of self absorbed – with people pleasing and generous-to-a-fault patterns – they too can have an overly self-centered orientation. That happens because they try to please others in an attempt to feel personally secure in life and relationships. In that, it’s important to consider the underlying pain that drives these unconscious self-oriented ways of being. So, whether you, a partner, a friend, a colleague, or a loved one have self absorbed tendencies, we want to first develop compassion.

Let’s also note that being self absorbed is not the same as having a healthy self relationship based on self-awareness, self-honor, and self-respect. It is also not the same as knowing our needs, wants, desires, and boundaries and clearly expressing and honoring them. That’s self love. 

Ultimately the goal in our soul’s evolution is to be able to hold ourselves and others with respect, honor, and love, simultaneously. 

So how do we recognize self absorbed ways of being? What do we do in the face of self absorption? 

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The fears that drive our self centeredness 

We become self absorbed for a variety of reasons and “not feeling safe” shows up as the common thread between them. In other words our fears drive us into selfish and self centered behaviors and these fears typically relate to safety, security, and as we said earlier, survival. Fears of not being loved or lovable also drive self absorbed patterns, although those love focused fears typically have their roots in the deeper fear of not feeling safe and secure in our connections. 

In particular our fears that we aren’t enough, won’t be enough, don’t or won’t have enough drive us to solve our enough “problems”. Attempting to be or have enough unconsciously turns our direction inward and drives us to narrow our focus onto just our difficult life circumstances, no matter how much good also exists. This leaves no room for awareness of anything good nor for anyone else’s needs and desires. 

Fears of getting hurt or having someone we love get hurt, can drive us into incessant worry which again collapses our attention back onto ourselves and the circumstances at hand. Being self absorbed at its core is an attempt at, and a form of, protection and safety. 

“Being self absorbed at its core is an attempt at, and a form of, protection and safety.” 

Fearing you don’t belong, feeling like you don’t fit in, as if no one gets you, and no one has your back also drives a withdrawing self absorbed “why bother” attitude. This inner focused withdraw can feel to others as if they don’t matter. 

Fear of being wrong or bad, alongside fear of shame also drives us to be self absorbed in our “good side”. When we have so much fear of being rejected, abandoned, or unloved we feel compelled to be perfect. That means we have to prove we can do no wrong, which forces us to lean heavily on blame in intimate relationships – regularly telling a partner how responsible (and wrong) they are, while not having the self awareness and courage to look within to see our part in the dynamic. At the extreme of this, we could call it a narcissistic trait. Yet, we have to be careful with any and all judgemental and labeling words we might want to use. Even to say, in a judgmental way, “you’re so self absorbed” is unkind and will typically serve to reinforce the pattern being judged. You’ll have a more positive impact with words like  “I don’t feel seen by you.”

Please again remember the patterns discussed here are conditioned responses and not innate character flaws. We all have unconscious patterns. 

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Examples of being self absorbed  in a relationship 

Since we now know that in order to consciously exist as a human being we need some level of ego and self centeredness, that means we all must tend to our own lives as they unfold. We must relate intentionally to ourselves; we call this “self relating” and this authentic relationship with self creates a necessary experience of sovereignty, because we can’t have true unity without sovereignty. 

On the other hand, while being self absorbed may seem similar to sovereignty it’s actually more like co-dependence. The self absorbed person wants their partner to behave in certain ways that make him/her/them more comfortable. Being self absorbed they also often abandon themselves in attempt to feel more safe and secure and unfortunately that strategy never works. 

Let’s look at several examples of being self absorbed in a relationship…

1. Talking almost exclusively about yourself, about your issues, fears, needs, expectations, and your own seemingly dramatic  life experiences. 
2. Expecting others to constantly take care of you and your needs.
3. Putting more attention on what you’ll get from a relationship over what you’ll contribute to it.
4. Keeping your calendar so full with work and tasks and activities that it leaves little space for anyone else. 
5. Feeling powerless, or like a victim, to your life circumstances, as if life is “being done to you”.
6. Lacking a true ability to feel or empathize with another; an inability to see or sense life from their perspective.
7. Excessive blaming coupled with negligible self responsibility and accountability.
8. In some cases, feeling entitled as you expect and demand from others. This trait may or may not always be obvious, as many self absorbed people also have a sense of unworthiness and hence never expect to receive anything. 
9. Listening to respond rather than to hear
10. For a partner of a self absorbed person, it feels like you can never do or give enough. This can feel like a paradox because it is so hard for a self absorbed person to actually receive that it feels as if you give and give and give and it’s never enough to fill the void within them.

Again, the most common thread we’ll find in self absorbed people is insecurity and not feeling ok or safe which again drives an almost exclusively self focus. 

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How to be less self absorbed

When we embark on a journey to be less self absorbed we need to bring out attention and energy towards creating a sense of safety. We do this through building trust, finding our self esteem, establishing healthy boundaries, and consciously integrating our masculine and feminine energies. 

Consider the following practices that will empower you to be less self absorbed and more consciously self-ish. 

1. Self-awareness. Get to know yourself so you see your fears and patterns and can begin to share yourself authentically. 
2. Self-responsibility. Look for your contribution to all circumstances and become accountable for it. This eliminates the powerless victim experience. 
3. Soothe your fears. Validate your fears without affirming or indulging them. Care for your inner child as you would your own child. 
4. Take time to play. When we feel better and learn to enjoy life we have more capacity to meet and feel others. 
5. Get support. Seek counselors, coaches, groups and communities that can assist you in working through the fears and associated beliefs. Being self absorbed can often indicate past trauma so getting therapeutic support to heal the past can also be very important.
6. Find faith. Discover what you need to call in as well as what you need to release so that you can trust yourself and life. In this context, faith is not religious but is a deeper surrender into trust of yourself and life.
7. Recognize you’re ok. Regularly acknowledge your present moment “ok-ness” in the world. 
8. Listen to hear. As you build your relationship with yourself and your self trust this will get easier. 
9. Widen your view. Break the habit of your narrow self focus and regularly and intentionally spend time exploring others experiences in the world. 
10. Celebrate yourself. Everything will get easier and shift faster when you do.

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Building a strong relationship with yourself, and eliminating the self abandonment that harms relationships, takes courage and effort. And, it’s common knowledge that we grow more quickly and heal more deeply in the presence of acknowledgement and accolades. So give those to yourself. Focus on the positive shifts and you will see your self absorbed ways begin to fall away quite quickly. 

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Since 2006, highly conscious men and women, with a commitment to extraordinary relationships, have chosen Ecstatic Intimacy to find and cultivate Soul Partnerships from their bedrooms to their boardrooms. Ecstatic Intimacy believes in coveted relationships, for all. 

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