Does She Get Upset the Day After Great Sex?
Have you ever noticed that the woman in your life tends to get upset about something – often related to you or your relationship – the day after you’ve shared great sex and intimacy the night before?
When the upset happens, I’m guessing you often look at her (or the phone you’re talking to her on) with that dumb-founded, “I don’t get it” look. You might have noticed that her upset is often triggered by or is about something seemingly minor and just doesn’t make sense…especially given the great passion you shared the night before. In your mind, you fully expressed your love, attraction, and appreciation for her during the depths of your passionate lovemaking. You’d expressed from your heart how much she mattered by all the ways you pleasured her and her body, right?
So why is she upset now? Why is she questioning you?
The other strange part is that the upset often relates to her not feeling loved, attractive, important, or valued. It makes no sense, right?
In her mind, it does.
Before we go there, let’s be specific about what happened the night before. The two of you spent intimate physical time together… you touched each other and brought each other pleasure. Actually, the essential ingredient in this scenario is that you brought her pleasure. I’m not talking about the quickie, “let’s get off before we go to sleep scenario.”
If you don’t know this important need that most women share, the upset could happen after a quickie and it’s even more likely in the scenario where she has deeply enjoyed pleasure you brought her.
If during your intimacy any one of three things occurred, she has a need that you (and, if she was like me, she) are completely unaware of. If you made love, she will have this need. If she had an orgasm in any way, she has this need. If she rode the peak of pleasure for any period of time, whether she orgasmed or not, she has this need.
So what’s the need? She desires and needs to be seen and acknowledged for how great she was in your connection and maybe even for how great she is in general. You might say, “But wait, I expressed that all night last night.” I know. It’s different. She needs to hear your acknowledgement the next day… after the fact. It can take many forms…”Wow, it was so great being with you last night.” “You were amazing last night.” “You were so hot last night.” “Last night was wonderful, thank you for sharing it with me.”
If you want to add in a bonus, add a personal comment after your acknowledgement of her greatness last night. You might say, “You’re so great.” “I’m so glad you’re in my life.” “I love you so much.” “You rock my world.” “You’re so beautiful.” “You’re… amazing, incredible, awesome, sexy, wonderful” (Pick your word.)
Men, when you express this, it must be authentic or it won’t meet the need. You can’t fake this. She needs your words in order to to fully relax and enjoy the after effects of last night… to feel good about herself, and even to stay more open and ready for next time.
I can’t explain the root of this need and it seems to be embedded in most women’s psyches. It relates both to the facts that we, as women, are driven by connection and that inherently, biologically, our self-esteem isn’t as strong as a man’s. (There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just part of our makeup.)
So the need is in us. Men, you can like it or not, but for most women, it just is. Learning to accept it and actually nurture and meet that need, you’ll have fewer upsets and a happier woman… and a woman who is itching for sex more often.
I learned about this need in a class I took on women’s sexuality with Alison Armstrong several years ago, but I wasn’t sure I believed it. I’d worked so hard on my self-confidence and, from a spiritual perspective, we shouldn’t “need” acknowledgment. I didn’t want to have this need… and I have the need. I want the acknowledgement. I’m in a female human body with female hormones and female instincts and I want it. Earlier this year, I really saw the truth of it for me. I noticed that I’d had two upsets in the same week and both happened on the days after we’d been intimate the night before. When I looked, I saw I was craving acknowledgement… that reassurance that I was good. I could judge myself and tell myself to do some more personal growth work… or I could just accept what the woman in me wants. Without a doubt, I’m a much much happier woman when I’m acknowledged.
It’s funny that years ago when I was learning this in that class, the women recognized that we had different and unique needs when it came to sex, and some needs were quite common among the more than 100 women in the room. The need for acknowledgement was one of the common ones, so common in fact, that Alison shared an example of how men and women can help each other meet this need.
She told the story of a couple and how they partnered to make sure the need got met in their relationship. Since he didn’t have the same need, he sometimes forgot how important it was to her, so if she hadn’t heard from him the next day, she’d text him and say, “I loved last night.” This was his reminder to pick up the phone and tell her how great she was last night. (Men, texting is not the same… she needs to hear it from you.) For this couple, she got what she needed, they partnered in the process, and he got a much happier woman. Everybody wins.
Men, I get that this probably doesn’t make intuitive sense. There are many needs that men have that women don’t understand and women have needs men can’t comprehend. It’s time for the opposite sexes to stop resisting our differences and start embracing and honoring them. We’ll all be much happier and our relationships will be more exciting and fulfilling.
So men, when your partner experiences great physical pleasure with you, set an alarm, ask her to remind you, put a sticky note on your computer, do what ever you need to do, so you remember to acknowledge her. You’ll both be happier for it!
*At Ecstatic Intimacy, an all-inclusive website for singles and couples, we welcome all sexual orientation(s), gender(s) and relationship expressions. In this article we utilize the pronouns he/she/him/her.