upset after sex

Does She Get Upset the Day After Great Sex?

Sexual loving can be one of our greatest pleasures (or greatest pains) in romantic relationships. Sexual lovemaking innately holds the power to soothe, heal, and unify, not to mention awaken the sheer joy and bliss of bodies well loved. However what creates and sustains that communal bliss tends to vary significantly between those who identify as male and female and for those who differ in the amount of masculine and feminine energy they embody.

When we don’t understand these differing needs, or aren’t available for, or aware of how to tend to these needs in our partners, that exquisite bliss can quickly – in a matter of hours – turn into unexplained and seemingly unprovoked upsets. Here we’ll explain one of the ways women, especially feminine women, find themselves flipping from sexual joy to sexual disappointment. And, what their partner can do about it.

You remember a great night of loving making, and now she’s upset

Masculine partners, have you ever noticed that the woman in your life tends to get upset about something – often related to you or your relationship – the day after you’ve shared great sex and intimacy the night before?

When the upset happens, I’m guessing you often look at her (or the phone you’re talking to her on) with that dumb-founded, “I don’t get it” look. Because you’re happy. You thought she was happy. She was sure smiling last night.

Maybe you’ve even noticed that her upset is often triggered by or is about something seemingly minor. It just doesn’t make sense to you, especially given the great passion you shared the night before.

In your mind, you fully expressed your love, attraction, and appreciation for her during the depths of your passionate lovemaking. You expressed, from your heart, how much she matters with all the ways you pleasured her and her body, right?

She doesn’t feel loved after sex

So why is she now upset? Why is she questioning you? Why is she doubting you and your love?

In this scenario, her upset, her sexual disappointment often relates to her not feeling loved, attractive, important, or valued. In the masculine’s mind that probably makes no sense.

In her mind, it does.

Before we go there, let’s be specific about what happened the night before. The two of you spent intimate physical time together, but not just in raw passion, although that could trigger the upset too. The more raw the passion, the more potential for upset. And more commonly, the more heartfelt and deep the love that accompanied the lovemaking, the more likely she’ll experience an upset the next day (if you’re not aware of what unmet needs hides behind the upset.) In short, the better the lovemaking the higher the possibility for post sexual disappointment.

Her need after sex… after great sex

Women, feminine women in particular, share a need that when not consistently fulfilled in her relationship will cause recurring upsets of all kinds. This need exists all the time in your relationship and it has a unique flavor, if you will, when it comes to lovemaking and what happens afterwards.

So what is the need? She needs to be acknowledged for how wonderful she was in your intimate connection. But let’s go a bit deeper. In general, in all masculine-feminine relationships, the feminine has a need to feel valued for the contribution she makes to your relationship. Then, when we see that need at play in your sexual life, it means she needs to feel valued for the many contributions she made to you splendor of your lovemaking.

You don’t understand her

But you might say, “Wait, I expressed that all night last night. I told her over and over how much I loved her. I did everything I could to bring her pleasure and make her happy. As a matter of fact, I show her my love frequently with all the things I do for her.”

Yes, I know.  This is different.  That was then, and this is now. And, what’s happening now relates to the opening in her that happened then.

If you made love in the morning she needs to hear your acknowledgement later in the day — outside the bedroom. And, if your lovemaking happened in the evening, she needs to hear your hear the words that express how much you value her the next day… after the fact.  Your words of acknowledgment, appreciation and value can take many forms, such as ”Wow, it was so great being with you last night.”  “You were amazing last night.”  “You were so beautiful/sexy last night.”  “Last night was wonderful, thank you for sharing it with me.”

If you want to make it even better for her and her heart, if you really want to meet her needs after sex, then make your words even more personal. You might say, “I’m so glad you’re in my life.”  “I love you so much.” “You rock my world.” “You’re body is so beautiful.”  “You are… amazing, incredible, awesome, sexy, wonderful”  (Pick your word.)

Stretch yourself. Reach deep into your heart and say things like, “When the light shined on your face, I couldn’t take my eyes off of you.” or “When I slowly kissed the curve of your hip, my whole body was alive in love.” or “Holding you as we lay there afterwards, meant so much to me. I felt so connected.”

If expressing your heart and feelings hasn’t come easy for you in the past, just start practicing. She’ll appreciate your attempts. You might have to put in a little extra effort and you’ll find the results with your beloved well worth the effort.

Do not attempt to fake this. You don’t like it when she fakes her pleasure, please don’t fake your love.

Your words will support her to fully relax and indulge the after glow of your lovemaking, which will likely leave her more open and desirous for next time.

One of the 6 Core Needs in Relationship

Alison Armstrong introduced me to this idea about men, women and sexual disappointment over a decade ago. And, it became quite obvious that this particular post-sexual dynamic was an example of how a feminine woman’s need to feel valued in her relationship shows up in the bedroom.

The need to feel valued is one of the 6 Core Needs of the Masculine and Feminine in relationship, developed by Phil Gilliam, and now shared in our programs. We look specifically at how these 6 Needs Core Needs show up in our sexual relationship during our Soulful Passion Retreat.

Her need after sex to feel valued and appreciated relates both to the fact that the feminine is driven by connection and unity and that inherently, biologically, the female body is wired to put other’s first. (There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just part of our makeup.)

So, like it or not, whether it makes sense or not, if you love a feminine being, understanding this need along with her other needs, will serve your relationship well. When you begin to accept the feminine’s need to be valued and actually nurture it, you’ll have fewer upsets, a lot less sexual disappointment, and a happier partner… who will likely have a higher sexual desire than those whose partners do not meet this need.

But shouldn’t she feel more secure and not need this?

Many could argue, and in one sense, rightfully so, that none of us should “need” acknowledgment. It is true that we cannot find the source of our value, worth or confidence outside ourselves. And, it is also true that we are spiritual or divine beings having a human experience. In our whole-est most actualized self, we wouldn’t need acknowledgement. And, we are walking, talking, loving and making love in human bodies. We have human needs that we must learn to honor as we continue to evolve in our personal consciousness and conscious relating. Let me share a personal story about this particular need not being met.

The first time I consciously saw this unfold in my own life, I actually struggled. I’d worked so hard on my self-confidence and, from a spiritual perspective, knew I shouldn’t “need” acknowledgment. I didn’t want to have this need and, the truth is I had this need. I have this need. I inhabit a female human body with female hormones and female instincts and I want to be valued, in relationship, and definitely after lovemaking. I realized this was playing out in a text book way in my life. I’d had two upsets in the same week and realized both had happened on the days after we’d been intimate the night before. When I looked, I saw I was truly craving acknowledgement, that reassurance that I was “good” for him. I judged myself and told myself to do more personal growth work. And, when I got honest with myself, I came to simply accept what the woman in me wants. Without a doubt, I’m a much much happier woman when I’m acknowledged.

Masculine beings, I get that this probably doesn’t make intuitive sense. There are many needs that women have that men don’t understand. Men have needs women can’t comprehend. This serves as yet another reminder to stop resisting our differences, start embracing and honoring them. Men and women love differently, we make love differently and we argue differently. And, we’ll all be much happier and our relationships will be more exciting and fulfilling when we understand and become skillful at meeting these needs for each other willingly, happily.

So, in this case, when you’ve made love with a feminine partner, set a reminder, put a sticky note on your computer, do whatever you need to do so you remember to acknowledge her and let her know how much you valued the pleasure and love she brought to your physical loving. You’ll both be happier for it!

*At Ecstatic Intimacy, an all-inclusive website for singles and couples, we welcome all sexual orientation(s), gender(s) and relationship expressions. In this article we utilize the pronouns he/she/him/her.

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3 Comments

  1. Michael Grasseschi on December 15, 2012 at 6:14 pm

    Loved this… As a man I get it, it actually makes sense, and it is juicy and delicious to acknowledge your woman in this way. Go for it, guys!

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