Mistakes in Love

Doing it Right… STOP!

It doesn’t matter if we’re talking about sex, love, parenting, business, skiing or anything else… very often the more you try to do it right, the more you actually do it wrong. 

The only time we seem to easily let ourselves off the hook of “getting it right” is when we’re learning.  When we’re learning we practice… and if we are truly practicing, then we’re exploring what’s possible – discovering how it can be.  We learn and practice new techniques so they become part of our “muscle memory”… whether that’s the fingering on a flute, how to balance a bike, or how to pleasure a G-spot.  Whatever we’re doing, we simply won’t get it right the first time.  With most things…


there will never ever actually be a right.


Our fingers can get more precise on the flute.  We can get intimate with the spices and flavors of a great spaghetti sauce and make our best ever – yet that’s still not likely to our absolute best.  We can stroke our partners G-spot or wand just so… bringing an amazing orgasm, yet even then more and better is always possible.


You will never get it right. Stop trying!


How many times have you tried to do your best and get it right, yet no matter how great you did, you knew it could have been even better. This is the trap of the perfectionist.


There is no such thing as perfect. It doesn’t exist. It’s unachievable.


You might approach perfect, but you’ll never get there…  More importantly, ask yourself “What do these attemps at perfection cost me in terms of time, energy, connection with those I love, fun, and even other opportunities?”

I had a boss say to me many years ago, “Stop giving me your 100%.  It costs me too much. You’re 80% is more than good enough. I need you to spend the 20% of time you spend trying to get it right and perfect on other more important projects and opportunities.”  What a gift he gave me that day.  That reminder has never been far from my mind.

Recently I noticed that I had a habit of “working” at everything. I see that I “work” on self-care. I work on being a great partner. I work on being a great businesswoman. I even work on having great orgasms!  And sometimes I suck at all of those things!  And sadly, then I’d get down on myself and work harder.

”Working” on things that are supposed to be fun and pleasurable is silly.  I saw that the minute I focused on doing it right, my body contracted and tensed.  I was focused, but pleasure… real pleasure… was out of the question! (Hint: For those of you that follow my articles…  I went into masculine energy to do it right… yet the realm of free-flowing pleasure is definitely not there… It’s available in my feminine!)


So I’ve given up “working” on anything.


In the words of Yoda, I’m reminded…


”Do.  No try.  Just do.”


I might change it to…


Do… Enjoy… Learn… Do it again.  Repeat.


How great can it get, if we’re not trying to do it right?  You cut off the potential and possibility when you try to do it right.

I know… You’re probably asking about mistakes… failures.   What if you do fail? What if you do make a mistake?  What if mistakes and failures were actually great?! What if by knowing what doesn’t work when pleasuring a G-spot brings you closer to knowing all the strokes that really work?


What if you could never know your potential without experiencing your failures?


What if mistakes and failures were required to live life at its fullest?


Discover the richness and fullness of life…  Stop doing it right!


In love, light and ecstasy,

Joanna Shakti

*At Ecstatic Intimacy, an all-inclusive website for singles and couples, we welcome all sexual orientation(s), gender(s) and relationship expressions. In this article we utilize the pronouns he/she/him/her.

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  1. Johnny Hawkins on April 17, 2013 at 9:54 pm


    Great article! Many of us put so much judgement on ourselves for not being good enough, not doing things good enough, etc. We push ourselves down and actually do worse (many times) by having these fears about that stuff. We would operate on a higher level if we weren't stressing about how we were performing, but just acted in the flow of things.

    However, I must point out that you goofed up. You misspelled "doing" on the very last line. I want you to work on this, and do it right the nezt time.

    All sincerity aside,


  2. Joanna on January 9, 2014 at 2:08 am

    Love the feedback Johnny! Thank you! 😉

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