Exhausted Women – Love, Life, and Sex

Men, Women… Just walking through you daily life recently, have you noticed any exhausted women around you… at home, at work, in the gym, sitting at dinner with your girlfriends?  Are you one of them?  Is your wife or girlfriend one of them?

Men, if the woman in your life isn’t as loving as she’s been in the past or, maybe more to the point, she’s less interested in or enthusiastic about sex… I suggest you read on.  There may be things that you can do… and certainly, the sooner you start supporting her where she is (less loving, less interested in sex), the more quickly she may find and reconnect with her love and desire.  The longer you remain frustrated or less than supportive, the longer you may wait for that next juicy orgasm.

As much as I teach self-care to women, I’m the first to admit that I can get caught up in my passion to make a difference, my desire to deliver great results, the thought that it’s easier to do it myself rather than explain it to someone else, and so-on with the myriad of reasons I keep pushing myself harder, faster, longer… (and there’s definitely no sexual connotation there.)   As a matter of fact, that’s one of the costs of my drive to take care of everyone else… I stop having the loving connections for myself and I stop wanting the lovemaking I enjoy.   When I’m really exhausted, sex is just one more thing to do, it’s one more thing to spend energy on.  Actually, it doesn’t matter whether it’s sex or ANYTHING I would normally find fun, those activities just become more chores and, in the worst cases, if I am having a potential “happy” moment, I won’t have the energy to even experience the joy or pleasure that might normally be there.

Men, that may be hard to hear, and if you’re courageous, ask the women in your life if that’s true for them at times.  I sat with a group of men and women this morning dedicated to supporting each other in living real, full, authentic lives.  It amazed me that 4 of the 5 women in the circle this morning shared how deeply they needed rest… to just stop.  One women joked, “and not the kind or resting with my laptop answering emails.”  I laughed out loud thinking how many times I’d let myself “rest” by answering emails beneath the comfort of the covers on my bed.   I’d almost venture to say there’s an epidemic of women filled with passion and vision, who, like myself, are still tired to our almost instinctual programming to self-sacrifice.

Self-sacrifice is an amazing gift of women, yet it was meant to be a trait we could draw on in moments of need and crisis… not a way of everyday living.

Self-sacrifice was designed to support us in the 3 nights of lost sleep with a sick child, or the days of extra cooking and child-watching for a neighbor in need, or the long hours of harvesting.  These were cyclical, once-in-awhile, situations that women could easily endure and then have the time to recover from and refill their tanks… living life in a flow, until the next time our gift of self-sacrifice was called upon.  Now, we often live as if practically every moment is a crisis and we go and go and go like the energizer bunny… until we collapse and go to bed and sleep twelve hours like I did Friday night and still want to sleep more.  We try to keep up with the never ending list of all the things a good woman would do, a dependable top-notch employee would deliver, a great mom would do for her kids… and the sad part is, we end up more often than not, being the very opposite of what we want to be.  Instead of loving, kind and compassionate… we’re short, direct, and, speaking for myself, bitchy.

Women, ask yourself, when are you least like the women you want to be, least like the woman you know you are?  For me, it’s when I’m exhausted.

So, now that we get the picture of what’s not serving us… what’s not serving the bodies and spirits of women, what’s not actually supporting our families, our relationships, our sex lives, our colleagues or employees… what the heck do we do about it?


Men… keep reading… this is the background info you need to help fix the problem. 😉


The easy answer… women, take care of yourself.  Men, help the women in your life take care of themselves… Yet, it’s easier said than done.  And, even acknowledging that, every moment of self-care, every moment of rest moves us all closer to the love, happiness, and pleasure we desire in life, love, and sex.

Women, I invite you to look at all the reasons you say you can’t take care of yourself… you might even make a list, especially if they seem “absolutely” true.  I know my mind thought all my reasons were unquestionable, yet over the years I’ve come to see my faulty logic.  If the words self-sacrifice haven’t landed or resonated for you yet, look at where your needs fall on the priority list.  If they are in the bottom quarter of the list – saved for only when you’re desperate or a wouldn’t-it-be-nice time, you’re in self-sacrifice.

Then make a list of what it’s costing your body, your spirit, your heart, your relationship, your health, your kids, anything that “loses” out when you’re exhausted.  Notice, if the cost is high enough for you and those you care about, that it’s time to make a change.

Then, whether you’re ready for change or not, I suggest making a list of all the things you “need” to be the best you.  If there were all the time, money and energy in the world, what activities or experiences would support you in being the very best you?  Now, go through and circle the top three that would really make a difference…  Here’s few that I’ve learned through my study, my personal work and the lives of my friends and clients that often offer the biggest “bang for the buck”… sleep, downtime (a couple of hours at home where you can do nothing or whatever you want), exercise, good food and good water, girlfriend time.

Whatever you’ve circled… please, put it on your calendar.  Schedule time for you needs everyday, every week… however often you need them to be your best.  If you say there’s no time, then it’s time to look at “if something(s) HAD to go” what would they be?  These are the items that drop of so you can get back to you … to your love, to your joy, to your pleasure.   Next, honor your appointments with you as you honor any other appointment on your calendar.

Equally important, if you have a man or others in your life that enjoy having the best you around, enlist their support, ask for their help… and then receive it.

So men, that’s where you come in… you can’t force the woman in your life to take care of herself, but you can let her know that it matters to her.  Look for ways where you can step up to relieve some of the pressure from her… and it’s not about saying to her, “Just don’t worry about that… it’s not important.”  It may seem unimportant in your mind, but men and women see things differently and we’ll have to look at that part on another day.  How can you help her get more sleep, get some time to herself, get some pampering… Let her know you want her to have what she needs and then show her by taking steps to help her.  Unfortunately, I can’t promise she’ll listen… but it’s worth the effort.  Maybe, if she’s really resistant, you can send her this article so she’s understands your desire and love for her.


Women… it’s time to slow down and receive…for the benefit of everyone.

Taking care of yourself is a gift to those you love.


In love, light and ecstasy,

Joanna Shakti

*At Ecstatic Intimacy, an all-inclusive website for singles and couples, we welcome all sexual orientation(s), gender(s) and relationship expressions. In this article we utilize the pronouns he/she/him/her.

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