Feeling Lonely in a Relationship? 5 Reasons it Happens and 10 Ways to Reconnect

When we’re feeling lonely in a relationship, our loneliness usually finds itself in the company of many other less-than-happy emotions. In the face of relationship disconnect we can feel fear, anger, resentment, and in the worst cases, isolation and despair. In order to stop the loneliness we have to consider all of its dimensions – from the why we feel that way, to how we communicate it, and what to do about it. 

This feeling of loneliness while in partnership can throw our minds and hearts for a loop. “We’re in a relationship, right,” the mind asks, “Why are you lonely?!” The mind tells us we shouldn’t feel the way we do. Along with that, our self-judgment and its accompanying inner dialog of “what’s wrong with me,” “why am I not important and worthy,” or “why don’t I matter to him/her?” can feel devastating and only amplify the loneliness we already feel. 

If we want to know how to deal with the loneliness, the real question we must ask becomes “Why do I feel lonely?” You’ll see in a moment the five most common reasons people feel lonely even in a relationship. Surprisingly, the experience isn’t as uncommon as you might think. Rarely have we been taught how to maintain connection in a relationship or even how to create true Intimacy in the first place. As a result, too many couples find themselves wondering what happened to the bond that felt so strong in the beginning? What happened to the love that felt so deep? 

Let’s find out what happened and why loneliness can feel more prevalent than love. To that end, time actually matters. The sooner you address the feeling of loneliness the better off you, your partner, and the relationship will be.

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How to communicate feeling lonely in a relationship

If you’re in a relationship and feeling lonely the first thing you want to do is get into connection with yourself. This may seem counterintuitive, yet the relationship with you sets the groundwork for a deep connection with another. We can’t feel, nor truly trust, a connection with a partner if we’re not being authentic. Unfortunately, our conditioning around being a good partner tells us to sell out our own needs and desires in the name of love. That can’t help but leave us feeling disconnected and alone. So what do you do about it?

Start by reconnecting with your own true needs and desires. Seek to discover what you long for at the deepest levels. This can take some time so be easy on yourself as you get started.  As you start making contact with yourself, pay attention to, and take special note of, the other emotions that accompany your loneliness. These may begin to give you insight into what’s actually happening in the dynamic between you and your partner. 

Seek to discover what specifically creates the loneliness for you. Is it unconscious resentment? Is your partner truly absent? Have you pulled away? What else is happening between you, and in your lives? These are just a few possible contributing factors to feeling lonely in a relationship. We’ll explore more reasons in a moment. 

The clearer you can be on what’s happening within you, and what you sense is happening between you, the easier it will be to communicate your feelings of loneliness to your partner. The clearer and more authentic you can be without blaming, the more likely your partner will actually be able to hear, receive, and process what you are saying.

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Share what you feel without blaming 

Remember when we hurt, it’s easy to go in “hot” and frustrated. It’s easy to see it as all their fault. It’s also easy to withdraw and keep your feelings to yourself. None of these will serve you or the relationship.

As you share your feelings, talk about yourself as much as possible. Use “I statements” that talk about you instead of “you statements” that talk about your partner. Again, it’s tempting to blame your partner but in the face of blame few of us respond well. Attempt to create a conscious and authentic conversation. If you’re doing that it, the conversation is guaranteed to feel vulnerable. As a matter of fact, if you’re not feeling vulnerable you’ll find it nearly impossible to reconnect. We’ll say more about that in a bit. 

Continue by sharing your longing and desire. At the same time, stay conscious of demanding or even asking your partner to be different. Let them listen. By feeling you they just might find themselves inspired to show up differently in your relationship. Commonly our partners will respond with love and action when they hear how you feel and they don’t feel blamed or as if they are the cause of our pain. Your partner may be contributing to your feelings for sure, and if they recognize that contribution themselves the reconnection usually happens faster. 

Finally, as your partner responds, listen. Listen to hear. What they say will usually offer clues to what’s happening for them in the relationship. If one partner feels off in a relationship, commonly both feel off. When you hear and feel each other you can help each other heal and stop the feeling of loneliness in your relationship.

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Why do I feel lonely in a relationship 

If you want to find the best way to stop feeling lonely in a relationship, your efforts will be well served by knowing what exactly makes you feel that way. Getting as conscious and specific as possible will truly help as we discussed above. To help in your discovery, here are some of the most common reasons we feel lonely even in a relationship. 

1. Lack of emotional connection. Emotions are the language of intimacy. Yet in our society today many often feel scared and resistant to their own feelings and those of their partner. Yet, we cannot sustain love without an emotional connection. All true love relationships start with emotional bonding and this is especially important for a feminine partner. 

2. Not feeling seen or heard. In love we want to be known. We want to be loved unconditionally in that knowing. So if we don’t feel seen and heard by our partner we simply can’t feel connected to them. This of course leads to feeling lonely even in partnership. Of course with this awareness, we have to realize that sometimes as much as we want to be seen and heard we hide our feelings, needs, and desires. Remember, we are only as seen as we are willing to see ourselves. 

3. Not being in relationship to yourself. As we mentioned above, we need to have a relationship with ourselves. We can’t actually depend 100% on our partner to meet all of our emotional and physical needs. If we’ve been told that love means putting the other person first all the time, we find that we have to ignore and abandon our own needs in order to do that. Self abandonment leaves us lonely for ourselves while it seems as if we’re lonely for our partner. 

4. Unresolved hurts and upsets. Most couples don’t understand what conscious conflict means. Still others avoid conflict because they don’t know how to navigate it or because they believe conflict means something is wrong with the relationship. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Every healthy relationship will have upsets. When we don’t resolve the upsets and the hurt feelings that come with them, they become a pile of unspoken words that always create distance, separation, and hence loneliness. 

5. Lack of physical connection. As much as emotional intimacy matters in feeling connected and in love, physical intimacy also matters. As humans we need touch. Conscious and intentional touch indicates care and when we feel cared for, we don’t feel lonely in our relationship. Similarly, our sexual intimacy also matters in sustained partnerships. The best, and most deeply connected, relationships will have a beautiful balance of both physical and emotional intimacy. 

Of course as we reflect on these reasons we might feel lonely in a relationship we also have to consider  life circumstances. Sometimes loneliness happens naturally due to health issues, depression, growing kids, aging parents, and all kinds of stress. While still painful, these causes for loneliness aren’t personal and will pass with time. If they last too long, as a couple, you may want to get support to help make the two of you and your relationship a higher priority.  

“We are only as seen as we are willing to see ourselves.” ~Joanna Shakti

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How to stop feeling lonely in a relationship

As we said above, first and foremost when we want to stop feeling lonely in a relationship, we have to get to the root of why we feel lonely in a relationship. That awareness will help us identify which of the following approaches will serve you and your relationship the best. 

Let’s explore these powerful practices for reconnecting with your partner. 

1. Reconnect with yourself. Each person must know they can rely on themselves and their partners, not just one or the other. Make sure you aren’t feeling lonely for your own attention, honor, and self care. Make sure you know and are expressing your needs, desires, and feelings genuinely. 

2. Explore your relationship to independence. Too much independence makes it impossible to feel connection and hence we feel lonely in our relationship. This shows up frequently in the strong independent woman archetype. Solid relationships rely on interdependence. In partnership we need a balance of needing and being needed, giving and receiving, holding and being held. 

3. Consider where you are on your priority list. Being at the bottom of the list means there’s no relationship with you and that’s always lonely no matter how much your partner might love you.

4. Establish boundaries. This may seem counterintuitive and boundaries play an essential role in true partnerships. If we go along to get along, if we say yes to something we don’t really desire we have to set ourselves aside and that creates more separation and hence more loneliness.

5. Talk to your partner about how you’re feeling. Be sure to follow the suggestions above and if you experience challenges communicating, seek support from a mentor, coach, or therapist. 

6. Clean up resentments. When we consistently abandon ourselves in favor of our partner’s needs and desires we will inevitably feel resentment. And, resentment always destroys love. In the absence of love we feel lonely. Self abandonment always harms relationships and you’ll want to forgive yourself and your partner for the pain it has caused.  

7. Clean up any unresolved upsets. Again, if a couple doesn’t have a conscious and intentional practice for cleaning up and completely resolving upsets – not just hoping they’ll go away over time – the two are guaranteed to feel lonely in their relationship. One of the reasons couples don’t resolve upsets well happens because men and women argue differently. If we understood that better, most couples would feel much happier together. 

8. Share about yourself without being asked. Sometimes we tell ourselves what we feel and what we have to say isn’t important enough to express. Or we can believe that if our partner doesn’t ask, they aren’t interested in our experience and what we have to say. Often, they just don’t think to ask. It can be powerful to practice simply sharing and expressing yourself without being prompted. 

9. Schedule time for intimacy. As we said, every sustained relationship requires both emotional and physical intimacy. If the two of you have particularly busy schedules or if one of you feels less comfortable with intimacy than the other. Intentionally setting time aside for connection, both emotional and physical, can ward off the tendency to avoid or deprioritize it. Working through intimacy issues will always support a restored connection.

10. Strengthen your vulnerability muscle. Our deepest connections happen through vulnerability. We find connection in our humanness not our accomplishments. Alternatively, when we put up a strong, “I’ve got it all handled and don’t need anything” facade, we will surely find ourselves feeling lonely and unsupported in our relationship. Give up being perfect and having it all together. Let yourself be seen in your beauty or strength and your mess. 

Some of these practices will feel more comfortable and accessible than others. Start with the ones that feel the easiest and then progress to the ones that more significantly stretch your comfort zone. To have what we seek, what we long for, we must expand our capacity for intimacy, truly our capacity for love. It’s not always easy and it’s always worth the effort. 

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In closing, know that if you are feeling lonely in a relationship it offers a telltale sign that something has gone awry between you. It guarantees that some part of your relationship needs attention and tender loving care. 

It’s easy to be afraid when we feel lonely and disconnected. It’s truly easy to avoid the seemingly uncomfortable inner exploration and the vulnerability of the conversations you may need to have with a partner. Yet if we avoid the pain it only gets worse and causes more damage to you, your partner, and the relationship. 

Of course, if any of this feels overwhelming or too difficult for you, seek help. Most couples wait too long. Your hearts and your relationship will thank you for every small step you take toward reconnection. 

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Since 2006, highly conscious men and women, with a commitment to extraordinary relationships, have chosen Ecstatic Intimacy to find and cultivate Soul Partnerships from their bedrooms to their boardrooms. Ecstatic Intimacy believes in coveted relationships, for all. 

You too, are invited…