How to Accept an Apology (and When You Shouldn’t)

If we desire to sustain a conscious connection or relationship, whether with our beloved or any person that matters to us, we must know how to accept an apology. As much as many of us might want to deny it, neither we nor our partners will ever be “perfect”. That means we will make mistakes. We will, at least once in a while, do things that create hurt for our partners. Our partners will do things that create hurt in us. Therefore, if we want to maintain love, we must know both how to apologize and how to accept an apology.

To address the inevitable challenges and mistakes that cause hurt, discomfort, and pain in our relationships, we must understand how to navigate our upsets with compassion and care, along with the qualities of boundaries and personal responsibility. Whether we most need the qualities of care and compassion or responsibility and boundaries depends on circumstances. Sometimes the act of cleanup, repair, and apology requires us to take responsibility, see our part in the painful dynamic, and acknowledge the impact of our actions. Other times we must vulnerably admit the pain and hurt we feel, which in turn allows us to receive the apology and amends offered.  

In this article, we’ll begin by reflecting on what a powerful apology includes and how it’s constructed. A commitment to conscious apologies will support the other person’s efforts to accept an apology gracefully, if and when that’s appropriate. We’ll also specifically look at how to accept an apology from your partner in a relationship. Next we’ll consider questions like ‘how to accept an apology when you’re still mad’ or ‘how to accept an apology without forgiving.’ The nuances of accepting an apology will vary under differing circumstances and yet our commitment to repairing will significantly impact our future experience of connection. At the same time, when we unconsciously accept an apology – out of a ‘should’ or personal expectation – or in an attempt to ease the guilt of the other, we may actually create more disconnection and sabotage instead of the reconnection we hope for.

Let’s dive in…

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How to accept an apology gracefully

When you commit to love, care, and connection you will, of course, want to know how to accept an apology. Yet you will find some apologies easier to accept than others. That can stem from your own resistance, stubbornness, or righteousness. It can also result from a “poorly” formed apology. In other words, your inability to accept an apology may not be about you. Some apologies may just fall flat on your own seemingly deaf ears, even in the presence of your desire to forgive, reconnect, and move on.

Knowing that some apologies work better than others, what are the qualities of an apology that make it easy to accept and forgive? We find three critical elements of a conscious apology.

1. The person apologizing has genuine regret or true concern for the impact of their actions. It gets much easier to receive and accept an apology when we feel the other person’s care for us. In the absence of this feeling of care and concern, almost everyone will find it harder to accept the apology. This absence of care often happens when the person has, first and foremost, apologized because of the guilt they feel. They apologize for themselves in an attempt to get relief and feel better, rather than for the other person. It’s a selfish apology and can often leave the receiver of the apology feeling pushed to accept it, even when they don’t feel genuine acceptance. Another reason someone may apologize without expressing care, happens when someone wants to simply avoid or get around an upset. “Conflict avoiders” often do this. Unfortunately the desire to get over it quickly often backfires and exacerbates the hurt, which in turn creates a need for an even deeper apology.

2. The person apologizing needs to “get” the emotional impact that their action or inaction had on the other person. This becomes especially important the more painful and vulnerable the circumstances of the challenge or upset were. The capacity to “get” what the hurting person feels is absolutely essential when the hurting person has a predominant feminine essence. The feminine finds it easy to accept an apology gracefully when she experiences being heard for what she feels. However, while we know this matters to the feminine, their masculine partners may struggle to identify and reflect women’s emotions. Yet his willingness to learn and practice will serve the relationship well. 

3. The apology matches the impact. When someone wants to get over the upset as quickly as possible they may apologize, somewhat generically, saying, if not shouting, “I’m sorry!” The person receiving the apology usually can’t feel any sincerity nor can they tell specifically what is being apologizing for. The more complex the conversation or upset, the more this holds true. Often, again, it can feel as if the apology comes from an attempt to get over, rather than address – at a truly conscious level – what happened. To fully accept an apology we first want to know the apology connects directly to what caused us the pain. On the other hand, to be fair here, the absence of specifics in an apology isn’t always problematic. We want to also consider the tone of voice used. When the simple words “I’m sorry” are spoken in a tone of voice that is deeply connected to the heart, those two words alone can have a massive impact. This again makes it easy to genuinely accept an apology.

As you can see, the quality and sincerity of an apology can make all the difference between resisting an apology and gracefully accepting it. 

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How to accept an apology in a relationship

If you want to know how to accept an apology from your partner consciously, then you must commit to practicing conscious relating, conscious communication, and conscious conflict on a consistent basis. The more mindfully you approach your relationship the easier and faster the repair process. When relating consciously you will each identify when challenges or hurt feelings arise more quickly and confidently. The sooner you identify moments of disconnection, the more effectively and easily you’ll return to connection, along with the love, joy, and passion that accompany it.

Additionally, in order to master accepting an apology in a relationship you also want to hone your skills at offering apologies. When both partners realize and accept that hurt feelings, upsets, and even conflicts have a natural place, even a purpose, in soulful relationships, the two will become much more adept at both offering and accepting apologies. Unfortunately too many couples tend toward blaming, justifying, and wanting to be right rather than wanting to be in love. As has been said many times about relationships, “It takes two to Tango.” which means it takes two to create an upset (even when it appears that the other person is completely at fault). As you develop your capacity for humanness and humility you’ll get better at apologizing and accepting apologies in a relationship. 

However, to remain true to ourselves and to love while in a committed relationship, we must also recognize when not to accept an apology, or when we need more time before doing so. The process of accepting an apology starts with allowing ourselves to acknowledge, experience and eventually release the painful feelings that arose. If we try to push or force ourselves (or our partner) to accept an apology before their heart feels ready, we will only perpetuate the pain and upset.

Therefore, if you want to accept an apology from your partner, let yourself feel first. This does not require dramatics and it does require emotion. Start by allowing and even sharing your emotions. Let your partner know that it hurt. When you feel genuinely heard by your partner, you will then have the space to open up, accept the apology, and forgive. If that opening doesn’t happen right away, that’s ok. Simply stay with the steps until the acceptance of the apology comes naturally. 

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It doesn’t mean it’s ok

We must state that accepting an apology and even forgiving does not mean that you believe the behavior was “ok,” or that you condone it. It means that you’ve made peace with what happened, you acknowledge that the person could have acted differently, and that still you accept their apology. At this point we can expect that you will also feel ready to forgive. When we truly accept an apology, we tend to forgive automatically. Blame starts to fall away, judgement dissolves and reconnection happens. 

However, when we have to forgive someone more than once for a particular behavior or pattern, we may want, even expect, that their behavior will change immediately. We may tell ourselves that if the other person truly cares and has integrity, they won’t do it again. 

Yet some of our patterns, dynamics, and behaviors that cause pain for our partners may actually stem from deep seated wounding or even trauma. That still doesn’t make the behaviors ok but it reminds us that change is a process. When this is the case, the person apologizing may sincerely regret the impact and truly want that behavior to change, yet it won’t always be easy for them. Sometimes it takes time and professional support to truly resolve the underlying root of our less-than-conscious behaviors and patterns. So, if you’re being asked to accept an apology, you may want to look for signs that the other person does truly want to change and is consistently taking action in that direction.

Alternatively, if you’re not convinced the other person feels committed to change, you may need to consider whether your acceptance of the apology must be accompanied by establishing healthy boundaries for you. In some situations, your boundaries could include changing the form of the relationship. 

To be clear, you will find no right answers here. You’ll want to learn when and how to accept an apology in ways that work for you, given each circumstance you encounter. 

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How to accept an apology without forgiving

In order to fully investigate this topic, we must consider the times when trying to accept an apology won’t serve you or the relationship. As we mentioned above, sometimes we’re simply not ready to move beyond the hurt. This doesn’t necessarily mean that we’re holding a grudge. It simply means that we need time to process what happened, and experience our feelings about it. It may also mean that we need some additional form of amends from the other person. 

Holding onto a grudge, staying mad, and not forgiving all counterdict a desire to accept an apology. We simply can’t reach acceptance when we still feel closed energetically. The natural experience of accepting an apology and forgiving happens when we feel an internal opening and a letting go. If we can’t access an opening then we can’t accept an apology. It’s ok to remain closed. Just don’t try to convince yourself to accept the apology under those circumstances. 

Hoping to learn how to accept an apology without forgiving would only be a mistake. Accepting an apology without forgiving requires a strong will to disregard our own emotions. This is unkind and ineffective, and really impossible. As we have mentioned, genuinely and completely accepting an apology innately leads to forgiveness. If we’re trying to accept an apology, yet forgiveness doesn’t immediately follow, that simply means you aren’t ready yet. Again, it’s ok. 

To reiterate, when you find it hard or unnatural to accept an apology it simply indicates that this upset needs more attention. Maybe you need to pay more attention to yourself. Maybe you need to set a boundary first. You might need more care, reflection, and understanding from your partner. Stay in the process. And, if you find yourself really struggling to accept an apology, you might explore how to forgive someone under any circumstances. 

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In closing, when you remain committed to the process of learning how to apologize and how to accept an apology, then genuine acceptance will come. With that being said, sometimes couples can’t fully resolve the most painful upsets without help. If you find yourself in that situation, please reach out to a mentor, therapist or coach. With that suggestion in mind, you might feel tempted to wait. We don’t recommend that. The longer you carry hurt feelings, the longer difficulties remain unresolved, or the longer challenges stay stuffed under the rug, the more likely you are to begin sabotaging yourself, each other, and the very love you share. This only causes more pain.

Every important relationship deserves to stay strong. Partners in love deserve to stay in love. That means that if you want your connections to remain strong and healthy, you want to develop a mastery of how to accept an apology.

Your heart will thank you. 

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Since 2006 conscious men and women have chosen Ecstatic Intimacy to find and cultivate true love and sustainable partnerships, while also fostering their mastery of the yin and yang of relationships(masculine and feminine).

And, stepping into creating their relationshipsconsciously.