How to Fall Back in Love with My Wife: 10 Potent and Daring Steps

If you’ve found yourself contemplating the question, how to fall back in love with my wife, you have reason to celebrate. Your mind may not believe that yet. You can however trust the deeper call within you to reconnect with a love you once held. As distant as it may seem at the moment, rarely, if ever, has the love dissolved. It’s likely taken cover underneath years of unaddressed micro and macro hurts, resentments, misunderstandings, traumas, tragedies, aggressions (subtle and not so subtle), and even betrayal. Yet, no matter how difficult it may seem or how distant you may feel, the possibility of falling back in love again with your wife absolutely exists. It of course cannot be guaranteed, but when the desire lives, so does the genuine possibility.

Sometimes the path to falling back in love takes significant time. Sometimes it happens in a heartbeat. At this point, you cannot know the path that your heart will take as you seek to reestablish the closeness and connection once shared with your wife. However, as we’ve heard many times, the greatest journeys begin simply with the first step.

Here we will begin our exploration of how to fall back in love with your wife through an honest exploration of exactly where you’re starting from, along with a clear reflection on how you got here. That will lead us into defining exactly what needs to happen to clear the way for you to fall back in love with your wife as well as the essential steps to take. Just in case your wife has also fallen out of love, we’ll conclude with answering a secondary question, how to get my wife to fall back in love with me?

Let’s not waste any time. Let’s dive in.

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First tell the truth. Do you really want to fall back in love with your wife?

While most of us have unconscious patterns of avoiding the deepest and most uncomfortable truths within us, our capacity to be truly honest with ourselves matters deeply. Again, we can celebrate the fact that you have chosen this exploration. You’ve been honest with yourself and admitted that you don’t feel the love that you once did for your wife. That means you have already taken a powerful and potent step towards healing. Researching and exploring insights and opportunities to change your experience is another great step.

With that foundation in place, now genuinely ask yourself, what is your motivation for wanting to fall back in love with your wife? Do you miss her? Do you miss the experiences you once shared? Are you trying to save the marriage for your children? Are you trying to avoid the pain, disruption, and expense of divorce? You will find no right or wrong, valid or invalid, reasons for wanting to reunite with your wife. Yet knowing your why will make a big difference.

If your primary why has an underlying element of  desire for partnership, connection, and love, you definitely have a strong foundation to build on. If, on the other hand, you want to fall back in love in order to avoid pain, embarrassment, expense, or anything of the sort, you may find your journey back to love much more difficult. In the case of falling back in love with your wife, the desire to move towards something good will provide much better support, influence, and inspiration than the desire to avoid a different pain.

If you’re unsure about your why, you may want to enlist the support of an unbiased friend or family member, or seek out a therapist, coach, or mentor to support you. When you know what you want and why you want it, you build power and agency within yourself.

The next thing we need to do is determine where you’re starting from and how you got here. This will help inform the best steps for you to take in order to fall back in love with your wife.

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Why did I fall out of love with my wife?

Taking time to reflect on the turning points that led you to fall out of love will help you know specifically where to start. Recognizing the various decisions you made, and events the two of you experienced, that contributed to the loss of love will also help. Together they will illuminate important sign posts and directions for your return to love.

You’ll want to start by asking questions so that you can clearly identify the reasons you lost access to the love you previously felt for your wife. We don’t ask these questions to focus on the problem, but so that you tell yourself the truth. You can’t change what you won’t look at. The reasons offer the clues you need. This will also help determine whether there are any nearly permanent roadblocks. 

These questions also help you see where and when your heart or her heart began to close. Your answers will assist you in knowing what had you begin to turn away from your wife. This reflection will directly reveal what needs repairing, what needs forgiveness, and what requires apologies –  just to begin with.

• Did you or your family experience a significant trauma or tragedy where either or both of you had difficulty navigating and healing the vulnerability and pain?

• Have your needs consistently been met?

• Have you consistently met your wife’s needs? Do you know what they really are?

• Have you had a habit of self abandonment that has led to resentment?

• Have the two of you had difficulties in the bedroom?

• Have either or both of you put your career, your families, or your children in front of your marriage?

• Have you continued to communicate openly, honestly, and authentically over the years of your marriage or have too many words been left unspoken?

• Has your wife closed down to you? If so, when did it start? What happened just before that?

• Have you consistently and consciously fully resolved upsets in a way that you left you both feeling complete? Or, have either or both of you exhibited a pattern of conflict avoidance that has left unresolved hurts, upsets, and conflicts stuffed under the rug?

• Do either or both of you hold insecurities, consciously or unconsciously, that have driven you to withdraw and self protect?

• Have your past histories, wounds, and or attachment styles, caused friction and irritation such that you or your wife pull away from your connection?

• Have you made success and accomplishment so important that you don’t really know your wife anymore?

• What specifically caused your heart to close?

As you can likely see already, you may have fallen out of love with your wife for several reasons. Understanding what got in the way of your love will tell you clearly what debris needs to be cleaned out of your heart, out of your relationship, and probably out of your wife’s heart, so that the love can reveal itself once again.

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How to clear the way

Depending on the answers to the questions you explored above, you may need to rearrange some of the steps outlined below. Certain circumstances or past experiences will make some of these steps more important than others. We recommend listening to your guidance and also getting support again from an unbiased and wise source. Remember that we cannot see our own blind spots. That means you could easily bypass the most important steps if you don’t have an outside perspective helping you see exactly how to fall back in love with your wife.

The most important steps you’ll want to take to fall back in love with your wife are:

1. Get honest with yourself as we’ve already outlined.

2. Give yourself permission to feel what you feel. This isn’t emotional indulgence nor righteousness, but compassion for whatever hurt feelings and difficulties have contributed to this distance from your wife. As much as you might want to, you can’t get around feeling the emotions that always accompany this process. If you try to logic yourself through this, it will invariably fail.

3. Resolve any resentments that have arisen through patterns of people pleasing and self abandonment. If you’ve consistently prioritized your wife over yourself, then the resultant resentment in marriage will always sabotage the love. Resentment simply kills love.

4. Uncover the things you need to forgive her for and find that genuine forgiveness within yourself. Similar to resentments, if we hold onto, even unknowingly, the pain of the past eventually it will obscure the love.

5. Create space for vulnerability. Falling back in love with your wife requires opening your heart. Anytime we open our heart we also open into a space of vulnerability. Many people, especially strong men, attempt to deny their vulnerability. Yet you cannot fall in love without it. You cannot fall in love when you’ve erected solid walls of protection.

6. Let your heart soften. In making space for your vulnerability and opening your heart you will likely find a softness. It indicates that you’re on the right path. Love and softness go hand-in-hand. If you still feel a hardness, rigidity, bracing or toughening, then you’ll want to return to the steps that invite you to feel and release stored emotion.

7. Take 100% responsibility for the quality of your marriage. While obviously it takes two to tango, your wife surely contributed to current dynamics, we cannot change another person. You become empowered to create something new in your marriage by taking full responsibility for that desire in that commitment.

8. Consider your wife’s contribution. While this exploration is surely not about blame, you must also be honest about your experience and the circumstances that contributed to falling out of love with your wife. Is there a harshness in your wife that makes it difficult to stay open? Do you experience criticism or disrespect? These may have arisen from your shared inability to navigate hurts and upsets. Or these patterns might have been there from the start. Please know this is another step where having an outside perspective may serve you well.

9. Release expectations of your wife. Many men who want to know how to fall back in love with their wife may simultaneously hope, or at least have been hoping, that she will change. You may desire that she do things that she hasn’t been doing. You may want her to love you better. While those are absolutely valid desires, you cannot ultimately control that outcome. You can, however, directly influence that possibility through the ways that you show up. Simply know that as long as you’re hoping she will change, this will stand as a barrier to fall back in love with her. Similarly, if you’re hoping she’ll finally start meeting your needs, make sure you know the difference between having needs vs. being needy. Many men find themselves surprised at what they discover. 

10. Start to truly see your wife. See her beyond the walls of protection that she has built. Look for her tenderness and her vulnerability. See her beauty beyond the surface. Put your attention there. See her softness. See her kindness, even when it might be shadowed in her own pain difficulties. 

As you consider and explore these steps to falling back in love with your wife, know that they will be iterative. They won’t necessarily be sequential and you’ll likely need to revisit many of them several times over. You might even need to repeat them multiple times in a given day. Be patient and follow your inner guidance, and once again consider getting an unbiased perspective.

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How to get my wife to fall back in love with me

If, as you are falling back in love with your wife, you also hope your wife will fall back in love with you, you’ll want to consider the following.  

If your wife has primarily feminine energy, she will likely be hungry for your conscious masculine energy. If she has closed her heart because she felt unseen or unheard, if she has felt like her emotions were problematic and unwelcome, she will need to feel safe to “come out and play again.” She will need to feel confident that she will be seen and loved differently. 

What most husbands don’t realize is that the feminine needs to feel safe physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually now and in the future. If she doesn’t, she will close off her love. That means this is your first consideration if you want your wife to fall back in love with you. 

Can you show up consistently, offering her a sense of safety such that with time she can open up to you again? Please know that you will absolutely need to remain patient. Feeling safe to trust and open up again doesn’t happen quickly for most women. However, if your presence is consistent, you have a great chance of experiencing her opening.

Next you’ll want to pay attention to how you interact with her. Are you embodying the masculine energy traits women crave? Women who are in love feel the presence and attentiveness of their husbands. They feel valued and cherished. This allows them to soften and open, to receive. This allows them to fall in love again. 

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Will you dare?

There are no guarantees. And, if you want to fall back in love with your wife, or you want your wife to fall back in love with you, then you can’t play small. You may not get what you want, but if you only play half on the field, you certainly won’t win the game.

Consider, are you willing to… 

• Get honest with yourself?
• See through your wife’s eyes?
• Consider her needs and hurts in their process?
• Let yourself feel?
• Forgive? You and her?
• Do things the two of you used to enjoy?

The answer to these final questions will determine your chances of success.

We sincerely hope you rediscover the love you seek. 

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Since 2006 conscious men and women have chosen Ecstatic Intimacy to find and cultivate true love and sustainable partnerships, while also fostering their mastery of the yin and yang of relationships (the masculine and feminine).

And, stepping into creating their relationships consciously.