How to Let Go of Control: The 3 Essential Steps

The simple yet powerful act of asking how to let go of control opens an immense portal of possibility. For most this potent curiosity awakens both fear and excitement. For some, it stirs hope and a vision of relief from the effort, tension, and often loneliness that accompanies holding tightly to control. 

Those who have a propensity to control, or over control, life tend to know intimately, although often unconsciously, their desire to be free, to relax, to genuinely trust. We say “unconsciously know” because when control has become a best friend, even the imagination or desire to let go of control can feel threatening to our ego mind. That means the desire and curiosity about how to let go of control must peek through sliver-sized cracks in the armor built around oneself and against life. Right now you might even sense yourself sneaking a look over the top or around the corner of a deeply reinforced and tightly guarded wall of protection, the foundation of which has its roots in all your attempts to control.

Here we’ll begin with an exploration of why we hold onto control. Then we’ll set the foundation for change with our understanding of the need for safety. We continue our exploration of how to let go of control by looking at ways to let go of that which is out of your control. Next we’ll look specifically at how to let go of control in a relationship along with the essential masculine feminine polarity dance behind controlling and surrendering in a romantic relationship. Last but not least, we’ll see that our sexuality simply offers a metaphor for how we might relate consciously to life, surrendering control, in such a way that it becomes breathtaking, mind blowing, and deeply ecstatic.

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Understanding our need for control 

Our desire and need to control most often starts as part of a reaction to a time or situation when we felt as if we didn’t have control, as if life was out of control and happening to us. When we have faced wildly out of control or powerless times in our lives we will naturally want to protect ourselves from having to repeat those experiences. Our mind and body wholeheartedly step in, believing they can protect by taking hold of The reins of life. We then automatically move into excessive attentiveness, even hypervigilance, and often combine that with an extreme self reliance stemming from a resistance to ever truly depending on or trusting another. 

If we don’t have the support of wise guides and mentors to assist us in staying open, our natural human tendency is to claim control in any way we can. When we experience something painful – whether a loss, a life-changing set of experiences or circumstances, being harmed in some way, we of course want to protect ourselves. Yet in our attempts to protect, in our hopes of preventing future pain, we take on an impossible life strategy. 

Whether our mind likes it or not, we cannot control life. The only way to be happy and content, and truly safe, is to learn to relate to life on life‘s terms. No matter how much we might want to, we cannot force life to comply with our vision and imagination of how it should look. That means the greatest blessing we could ever give ourselves — as the ancient sages and spiritual guides have told us for centuries — is to relate to life as life is. As Byron Katie told us, we must love what is. To try to change life, to try to control life only, inadvertently, creates more suffering.

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The need for safety

Since our attempts and need to control have their roots in fear, before we can learn how to let go of control, we must first attend to our fears. In other words, we must find a way to feel safe while not controlling. At the same time, we must also acknowledge that for a period of time our attempts to control served an important purpose. However, remaining perpetually in control may not serve us now.

Building a sense of safety begins with rediscovering our ability to trust ourselves, and most importantly life. The idea of letting go of control can actually feel threatening in and of itself because we’ve come to believe that our well-being and our safety depends on maintaining that control. This makes it difficult for us to see the possibilities and even the blessings that lie within our ability to surrender. Since letting go of control can feel so threatening to our human personality we have to walk this path slowly and consciously. To do otherwise would actually tighten our grip and amplify our attempts to control.

Therefore, regardless of whether you want to learn how to let go of things out of your control, or you want to let go of control in your marriage or relationship, or you simply want to let go in order to have more fun and enjoy life, or a combination of all of the above, you must first cultivate an ability to feel safe in the world. Yes this is doable. Yes, it may take some time and every step forward matters.

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How to feel safe to let go of control

The mistake that many make when it comes to safety starts when we look for that sense of safety outside of ourselves. What we know is that in order to feel truly safe in the world we cannot depend on other human beings to consistently “do the right thing.” We are all human and ultimately we all make mistakes. Therefore depending on another’s (impossible) perfection in order to feel safe becomes a losing battle. We can’t find our safety through others’ good behavior.

This means we must begin by cultivating a sense of self trust and a strong relationship with ourselves such that when we let go of control, if something goes awry, we believe in our own self agency to handle whatever arises. However, to be clear, we are not talking about the strong, independent woman persona that says, “I can do it all myself and I don’t need anyone,”  as a way to deny or avoid dependency. 

As we build a deep relationship with ourselves, we then must also simultaneously build a conscious relationship with life itself. As we begin to look beyond our past circumstances, we will likely see that those circumstances aren’t the absolute truth of life as a whole. They were a moment in time. When we see this, we can begin to recognize life itself as a truly benevolent force. As we recognize the innate goodness of life, we can begin to trust the Universe. When we pair our trust of life with our trust of ourselves, we can begin to feel safe to let go of control.

H2 – How to let go of things you can’t control

As you learn how to let go of what you can’t control, you’ll find three particular steps quite useful. We’ve begun to explore each of these already and we find it worth summarizing again in three clear steps.

1. Truly admit that you can’t actually control life and its circumstances. Sometimes we have to work through the inner battle between the part of us that knows we can’t control and the part of us that desperately wants to. Admitting that you can’t control life won’t immediately stop your attempts to control and it will open the door to new possibilities when you acknowledge that your current efforts to control ultimately remain futile.

2. Get to know the fears that live underneath the need to control. As you develop your sense of safety, you’ll need to make a safe space for your own consciousness to reveal the fears driving your need to control. From there, as the fears reveal themselves, welcome them. You need not indulge them, but you do need to embrace them. Acknowledging and embracing fears often begins to immediately dissolve them. For the fears that don’t dissolve through your conscious attention, consider whether any of the fears have been over amplified. Consider ways to mitigate the perceived risk. Ask yourself if you could actually be OK if your fears came true. If you still struggle with your fears, we suggest getting support from a mentor, therapist, or coach you trust.

3. Identify the beliefs about life, love, and yourself that drive the patterns of control. Then consider whether the beliefs you hold are true in the absolute. Again, quite often, our beliefs stem from circumstances and not ultimate reality. When you see this it offers you a chance to acknowledge a deeper truth. From there, you have the opportunity to do beliefs clearing work that frees you from old outdated and unsupportive consciousness.

As you explore these steps to let go of things out of your control, go slow. Remember your need for safety. Take small, even baby steps towards your freedom from control. You might ask yourself how to first let go of control in small situations that feel less significant or threatening. This might include how the dishwasher gets loaded, or the trunk gets arranged. It might include what bedtime story your partner reads to the kids or how towels get hung in the bath. Then build on your wins.

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How to let go of control in a relationship

We can see the dynamics of surrender and control in relationships reflected directly in the Yin and Yang, in masculine and feminine polarity. Masculine energy is the controlled energy. Feminine energy is the wild and uncontrolled energetic aspect of ourselves. Someone who wants to know how to let go of control is, whether they’re aware of it or not, seeking to cultivate more feminine energy.

That means when you want to know how to let go of control in marriage or in a relationship, you’ll need to develop a deeper, trusting relationship with your internal feminine energy. The expression of feminine energy rests upon a foundation of surrender, of letting go of control. The feminine flows with life instead of managing it. The feminine lets herself be moved by life rather than attempting to make life conform to her imaginations. 

We see this clearly in the feminine expression of creativity. It is impossible to control the creation of art. We must surrender to the process and allow the art to come through us. With a little practice we can stand back feeling amazed at what our surrender of control has generated. As a matter of fact, if you’ve ever spent time around great artists or writers, you’ve frequently heard them say something like, “It wasn’t me, it just came through me.” That describes the artist’s creative process and it offers a fantastic metaphor for everything great in our lives that arises from our ability to let go of control.

While we’re not talking explicitly about sexuality here, we do know that the greatest, most awe-filled moments, of our lives – what we might call “best ever” moments – were rarely, if ever planned. They came unbidden, unplanned. We simply cannot plan or control a best ever moment. That means that as you learn how to let go of the need to control you will open the door to most breathtaking indescribable moments of life. Until then, while you remain in control, you’ll cut off the magic of not only life but of love too. 

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It’s not about the masculine

Continuing with our exploration of how to let go of control in a relationship, you’ll want to begin to make friends with your vulnerability and learn how to be vulnerable with a man. Again, you’ll want to get to know your fears, not so you indulge them further, but so that your love, yes your love, begins to dissolve them, setting you free to do (or not do).  That will also allow you to practice admitting your fears – and your needs – to your partner so that they can support you in your desire to let go of control. Again they can’t offer you pure safety, but they can offer a strong reassuring presence and deep encouragement. 

One thing that can stop a feminine woman or being from letting go of control is her belief that her masculine partner must show up first. When a feminine being believes that her ability to let go of control depends on her partner, she would be right on one hand and wrong on another. If she has taken over managing much of life, kids, and circumstances of their relationship, it wouldn’t be well advised to stop that all at once. However, a masculine partner can only stand up and reclaim responsibility when given the opportunity. Again, start out by looking for small ways that you can let go so that your masculine partner has the chance to step up. 

To say that this is easy would be a gross understatement. The level of apparent complexity and nuance in this is real. All the reasons we feel like we can’t let go of control in our relationship are valid. Yet, if we don’t take the small steps towards change, obviously nothing changes. The good news is when one partner starts to shift, the relationship and the other partner must automatically shift.

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In closing, we will repeat ourselves once again. While you may desire your masculine partner or others in your life to create a sense of safety for you, it will never deliver the results you seek. The journey to learning how to let go of control begins within you. You cannot solve this at the level of relationship. 

With that, go slow. Build self trust. Get support. The complexity and nuance of learning how to let go of control in relationship or in life can make it a challenging path. Yet tens of thousands of women have discovered how to let go of control and realized how much better life gets.

If you’d like to accelerate the process, we find that the depth and speed of transformation is amplified and accelerated when explored with others in community. As you know, it’s much easier to do anything when we know we’re not alone. 

You will never regret the journey of learning how to let go of control. It always leads to a life that takes your breath away over and over again.

Here’s the best ever moments! 

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Since 2006 conscious men and women have chosen Ecstatic Intimacy to find and cultivate true love and sustainable partnerships, while also fostering their mastery of the yin and yang of relationships (the masculine and feminine).

And stepping into creating their relationships consciously.