How to Make Sex Better: 3 Keys for Men and Women

Those who know how to make sex better and better and better for themselves, and their partner, know that their mastery as a lover and beloved has much more to do with what happens outside the bedroom than what happens inside. You might have arrived here looking for the next best sex techniques, yet even those most skillful at technique, will find themselves lacking when it comes to making sex better if he or she also lacks the heart, wisdom, and presence that great sex requires. 

Said another way, sex challenges are rarely sex challenges. What’s happening or not happening in your relationship coupled with what you hear in your own head and feel in your own heart determine the quality of your sex life. Whether masculine or feminine, male or female, thoughts, feelings, fears, and judgements can all get in the way of a better sex life. Our conditioning and unconscious beliefs, stories, and expectations combined with any wounding experiences or shaming of our sexuality can create barriers to a fulfilling sex life even for those who love each other deeply and hold a strong commitment to their relationship.

To understand how to make sex better we must consider how to eliminate the barriers to great sex while also knowing the consciousness and relational environment that allows passion to flourish.

Let’s explore…  

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How to make sex better in a relationship

Whether you want to know how to make sex better in your marriage or in a relationship the important factors and considerations remain the same. The factors that contribute to making a sex life better vary more based on gender or masculine and feminine energy than anything else. 

Let’s start there as we explore the three most important factors that play key overall roles in having a better sex life. Then, next, we’ll look at how sex gets better for men or masculine beings and for women or feminine beings. The answers definitely differ.

1. Create strong sexual polarity. Strong sexual attraction relies on the magnetism created by differences between partners. In most relationships, and not just relationships between men and women, one partner carries more masculine directed energy and the other holds more feminine receptive flowing energy. These opposite expressions act like the poles of magnets. Opposite ends attract. Same ends repel. With that, when couples expect their partners to act in similar ways to themselves, it actually neutralizes sexual attraction. For example, if a masculine partner expects his feminine partner to initiate more than once in a while, she’ll lose interest. If there isn’t enough foreplay and affection she’ll also lose interest. While most masculine beings find these aspects of sex relatively optional, the feminine finds them essential. We’ll even call them prerequisites for her. As you’ll see, men and women, masculine and feminine beings, truly have different needs and desires when it comes to love and sex.

2. Communicate about love and sex. As we continue this exploration on how to make sex better, you’ll realize that those who have the best sustained physical intimacy have the closest connections. They know and understand each other deeply. They can talk about anything. They share openly and they know each other’s hopes, dreams, and desires. They talk about their sexual relationship. They share their needs, wants, desires, turn-ons, turn offs, and boundaries. They communicate well and share regularly about themselves because they know themselves and embrace a willingness to be seen and known in all aspects of themselves. They don’t hide. They don’t pretend. They tell the truth. This sets the foundational bed of trust that having a better sex life requires. They choose authentic communication. The depth of their love and connection reflects it and their sex life benefits immensely. 

3. Resolve upsets. Remember we started out by saying that having a better sex life often has more to do with what happens before entering the bedroom. Well, unresolved upsets in one or both partners turn into the biggest killers of a once good sex life. Again, that may not be what you want to hear. Maybe it makes you want to turn and run to some other resource, yet couples who find themselves wishing for better and more frequent sex typically have other relationship challenges. Ones they may not want to face. Some continue avoiding those issues so long that years later they continue to struggle with the same sexual issues. Or worse yet, they find themselves sitting in front of a divorce attorney because they didn’t deal with what needed attention in their marriage outside the bedroom as much as in. You can’t better your sex life without upleveling our relationship. 

Notice once again that the 3 keys to making sex better have almost nothing to do with what happens between the sheets. What matters has everything to do with the hearts, minds, and spirits of the two people who find themselves in bed together.  

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How to make sex better for her

When you want to know how to make sex better for her, we’re specifically considering how to make sex better for anyone directly connected to feminine energy in that moment. These suggestions, or more accurately these needs, specifically apply to those who naturally hold predominant feminine energy, as well as those embodying more feminine energy during any sexual experience. Without these factors in place, feminine beings, particularly most women, will find experiencing true sexual pleasure quite challenging – challenging for themselves and, indirectly, challenging for their more masculine partners. 

Expanding on the masculine feminine dynamic we described above, the feminine will not only have better sex, but will relish in exquisite pleasure, when the following qualities unite in her physical intimacy. Her true pleasure, as you will see below, then contributes to the factors that make sex better for him.

The 3 qualities she needs for better sex:

1. Be present. Sexuality for the feminine calls for deep genuine vulnerability. For intimate sexual union, the feminine must allow herself to yield, to physically open, and to allow herself to be entered, literally. Her deepest pleasure, her orgasm, also requires her to release all control, to let herself be in a place of an absence of control. This is challenging for the strongest of human beings and yet the feminine’s capacity for surrender lies at the heart of the pleasure of intimate union we all know is possible, yet rarely experience. Enter masculine presence. The masculine must hold a conscious and safe space for feminine surrender. This safe space happens when the masculine shows up to lovemaking present to her, to himself, and to the environment. His capacity to be present determines her capacity to surrender and allow pleasure. Period. End of story. Great sex really starts here. 

2. Create sensuality. Feminine beings spend so much time tending to and caring for the needs of others that when they want to move towards sexual pleasure they must return to their own bodies. They must come home to themselves and allow their bodies to reattune to sensations, and hence the pleasurable sensations of sexuality. The fastest way to bring most women or feminine beings into their bodies and make sex better for them is through the experience of sensual pleasure. Sensual pleasure engages all of the senses so consider your environment first. You might set the lighting low or light candles. You might turn on music you know she enjoys and that enhances her pleasure. Bring luscious scents of oils or lotions to bed with you and consider starting with a massage for her. If you want to make it really good for her, consider bringing chocolates, fruits or sweets she loves into your physical loving. Yes, it may take more time and thought beforehand, but the rewards will far outweigh the efforts. You and your partner’s bodies, hearts, minds, spirits, and souls will thank you immensely. (Do note that sensuality is also vulnerable. So be present and go slow. Some women will open more quickly than others and some may, for a while, even resist the idea of sensuality. Get to know your partner.)

3. Bring variety. The feminine as you know tends to take longer to warm up and ignite her sexuality than her more masculine partner. With that, foreplay matters. Including her whole being – not just her physical body – matters to her sexual pleasure. Bring your touch to all parts of her body. Most women will benefit from your attention to her hands, feet, and face – places on the body further away from her sexual center – first. Paying attention to her whole body and being will deepen her trust and help her open to receive you, as we discuss in the need for presence above. Also, note that the masculine drive for success will often cause him to try to repeat what worked last time they were together. Or, if she’s enjoying something, he’ll keep doing the same thing because she likes it and this is what he would desire. Unfortunately, for her, doing the same thing for too long will actually desensitize her and diminish her pleasure. If you find a good spot, or something she likes, continue for just a bit, move on to something different, and then revisit/repeat often while you continue to engage her wholeness. Some people also find that thoughtfully designed pleasure devices—such as Lelo toys—can help guide breath, rhythm, and focus, gently amplifying the same wave-like sensations associated with energy orgasms. Used with slow pacing, body awareness, and intentional breathing, these tools can cue different textures of arousal (tingling, warmth, pulsing) without forcing a specific outcome, supporting whatever form your energetic release takes.

The masculine and feminine have very different perspectives on how to make sex better. You will both be served to accept this powerful and yet sometimes confusing, and even frustrating, truth. 

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How to make sex better for him 

You will see that wanting to make sex better for him invites the feminine to deepen her intimate relationship with herself and from there bring pleasure to him. If you want to make love making better for him, honor yourself and then honor him. 

1. Enjoy yourself. As we alluded to above, the masculine gets turned on by the feminine’s pleasure. The masculine wants to contribute to your pleasure and he loves it when you receive, when you let go and allow pleasure to move freely through your body. The conscious masculine doesn’t keep score and isn’t worried about his turn. He knows it will come and when he’s giving to you he wants you to be able to revel in the bliss and let go into your joy. With that being said, the conscious masculine won’t push you into pleasure, won’t expect you to orgasm. If you feel pushed, say “No” and consider returning to the communication practice described above in the section on how to make sex better in a relationship. 

2. Trust him and yourself. For the benefit of both partners don’t engage in sex with someone you don’t truly trust. Without trust neither of you will be able to access genuine sexual pleasure. If you’re wanting to know how to make sex better, then you’ll both be well served to ensure that the more feminine partner feels trusting in that moment. She needs to trust herself and her capacity to say no, so that she can truly say yes. She also needs to trust her partner’s presence (See “what she needs for better” sex above ) knowing he will honor her needs and boundaries and have her back as she lets go into exquisite ecstasy. If she doesn’t feel that deep trust, then surrendering to pleasure will be nearly impossible. Orgasm will be almost out of the question. Do note that even in a long term committed relationship or marriage there may be times when the feminine partner doesn’t fully trust her masculine partner. This reduced trust often happens when hurts and upsets remain unresolved as we’ll discuss more below. Trust enables ecstasy.

3. Remember he is different. Sexual pleasure typically ignites much faster for him than for her. If you’re a feminine being or woman, when you are not feeling depleted, empty, or hungry for rest or affection, in other words when you feel full in your being, then you might want to consciously offer some of the things that he may enjoy more than you do sexually. This could include initiating, quickies, directly touching his genitals, or even taking a more masculine energy so he can have an opportunity to truly relax and receive. Remember for sex to be better, this giving needs to come from generosity – not from sacrifice, not from resigning to his desires. If you understand and give in this way, you will both enjoy the full spectrum of sexual experiences much more greatly. 

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Sustaining passion 

To sustain passion you’ll need a marriage of the many factors we explored above. We can summarize them with these final 5 keys that specifically explain to a couple how to make sex better. 

1. Understand and embrace your differences. We discussed sexual polarity as one of the keys to how to make sex better and that polarity depends on differences. You saw above that how to make sex better for her differs greatly from how it gets better for him. If you want to sustain great love, intimacy, and passion then one of the most powerful expressions of love and care you could offer one another is to learn, truly know, what matters to your partner, what lights them up, what they need, what they desire, what turns them off, and what their fantasies. Then engage with them in their way, generously. This does not mean sacrificing your own experience or causing harm to you or the relationship through self-abandonment. It means giving through true love and care. Your relationship will thrive in this kind of “knowing” love.

2. Prioritize intimacy. The masculine and feminine often see intimacy differently and often prioritize the various types of intimacy contradictorily. This means that strong sustainable passionate relationships need to make space for and practice a solid combination of many of the forms of intimacy in order to sustain the depth of connection needed for great sex. You may already engage in several of these Intimate connections. Now plan to make them conscious and intentional as you integrate masculine and feminine desires.

3. Learn and grow together. In the bedroom and out, the possibility of continually deepening love, passion, and ecstasy depends on a couple’s commitment to learn and grow together. This commitment to expand your capacities for love and intimacy individually, and as partners, invites you to find and remove the blocks that each of you have to opening your heart and to opening your sexually. Freeing both centers is necessary for those who want to know how to make sex better. We all have conditioning and wounding that wants us to close and protect. However, that closing limits our love and pleasure potentials. A limit in one creates a limit in the other. Knowing that, in the safety of a conscious relationship, combined with the support of coaches or counselors and workshops or retreats, partners can create a space that inspires each other to release their own barriers to intimacy. 

4. Talk about sex. Yes, you want to talk about your sexuality – both what happens in the “physical” world and what happens internally, energetically, or emotionally. The internal and the external consciousness combine to determine whether a couple has better sex or not. Talking about sex – what’s working and what’s not working, talking about desires, fantasies, and fears opens the door to better sex. When our thoughts and feelings about sex remain in the dark, in the unconscious or the unspoken, the lack of sharing only serves to separate a couple. In the shadows, the sex gets worse not better. On the other hand, when both people are open and available sex does get better. Sharing sexual desires and fantasies does not obligate anyone to engage in those experiences. Boundaries must always be honored. Remembering this couldn’t be of more importance to safety and surrender in sexual pleasure. 

5. Stay in love. Clean up hurts. Unresolved hurts and upsets cause the biggest decreases in the frequency of sex for most couples. Not talking about and addressing the fears and stresses both partners face in life will also quickly kill sexual desire and passion. Work together as partners. Listen. Understand. If you want to know how to have better sex, then you also have to have a better relationship. One doesn’t come without the other. Men and women argue differently and if you don’t understand and embrace that your sex life will surely suffer. Your ongoing capacity as a couple for sustained passion will rely heavily on your capacity to forgive and release the hurts and mistakes that inevitably happen in all relationships. Keep the space between your hearts clear and your sex life will thrive. 

Last but not least, if your relationship includes the interplay of masculine and feminine dynamics, and almost all relationships do whether you’re aware of it or not, then you will also do well to understand the difference between making love and having sex. 

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Having better sex calls for a union of the heart center and sexual center of both partners. Conscious sexuality happens where soul love and soul sex meet. For some couples, sex gets even more breathtaking when spirit leads, as is common in sacred sexuality. This shared wholeness of heart, mind, body, spirit and soul invites couples into the uncommon realms of sexual pleasure. 

It takes courage for both the masculine and feminine to have great sex. Yes, the masculine needs courage to have better sex because it takes the same level of courage for a masculine being to surrender his heart open to love as it does for the feminine to surrender her body open to sexual pleasure.

It is the marriage of an open heart and an open sexuality in both partners that allows a couple to create real change in your sexual relationship. However, you are cautioned not to push your partner to open their heart or their sexuality. Look instead for where your own heart or sexuality may be closed, even slightly. Then do what it takes to open yourself more to the pleasures of love and sex. Through your lead, your partner will often find themselves opening much deeper as well, without having been pushed, nudged, or criticized. 

Here’s to better love and better sex…

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Since 2006, highly conscious men and women, with a commitment to extraordinary relationships, have chosen Ecstatic Intimacy to find and cultivate Soul Partnerships from their bedrooms to their boardrooms. Ecstatic Intimacy believes in coveted relationships, for all. 

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You too, are invited…