Interdependent Relationship: How to Sustain Love and Happiness

Whether married to each other or in long term partnership, those who create and build an interdependent relationship will have the greatest chance for survival. Couples in a committed relationship or singles seeking romantic partnership who take the time to understand what interdependence means, and frame their intimate relationship in this way, will reap great rewards. Partners will feel more connected to each other. Both people will more often have their needs met. Overall fulfillment and satisfaction in the relationship will increase significantly. 

But what does interdependent relationship mean in practical terms? How do you establish interdependence or recognize it if it’s already happening?

Below we’ll explore what an interdependent relationship looks like and offer several examples of interdependence. For clarity, we’ll contrast interdependent relationships with other less sustainable forms of partnership. Finally we’ll explain the prerequisites and show you how to build a relationship that lasts. 

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What is interdependence?

Before we can understand what interdependent relationship means we must first understand what interdependence means in and of itself. 

All objects and entities that exist in our world have some form of relationship to one another. In many cases the objects have an independent co-existence with each other. In other words, the existence, movement, or change of one object does not impact the existence of the other object. While the salt and pepper shakers relate to each other, changes to one of the shakers does not impact the other. 

In contrast, interdependence happens when two or more distinct objects or entities impact one another. A change in one object creates a change in the other object. The milk has an interdependent relationship with the refrigerator. A grocery store has an interdependent relationship with both its suppliers and customers. Our physical bodies have interdependence with the earth in many ways including the production by plants of the very oxygen we need to survive.

In the simplest terms, interdependence means that two or more objects affect each other. Whether the objects have a positive or negative impact on each other doesn’t matter, if one impacts the other they remain interdependent.

Let’s now look at how this translates into personal relationships. 

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The dependency spectrum 

As we see from above, by definition, people who interact with each other directly have an interdependent relationship. The level of interdependence directly correlates to the amount of interaction as well as the level of intimacy between the two. This means that strangers can have an interdependent relationship and that inherently all romantic relationships are interdependent relationships. 

To fully understand interdependence in romantic partnerships we’ll be served to contrast independent and codependent relationships with interdependent relationships. Conscious interdependence bridges the gap. In other words, if we look at independence and codependence as the extremes at the two ends of the dependency spectrum, interdependence lies at the midpoint. When looked at as an infinity loop, interdependence lies at the intersection.

While true independence is nearly impossible for romantic partners, two people could set up their relationship such that they have as little influence on each other’s lives as possible. In a purely independent romantic relationship the couple might for example maintain separate bank accounts and make their financial decisions independent of one another. They would likely choose separate vacations and likely even separate bedrooms. These couples would less frequently consider the impact of their choices on their partner.

On the other end of the spectrum, in codependent relationships it’s as if one partner can’t move without consulting the other. In codependent relationships at least one of the two people can no longer find themselves as a distinct being outside the partnership. Losing yourself in a relationship would commonly happen in this kind of partnership. Self abandonment and pleasing people would show up here. One partner would struggle to find happiness when the other feels unhappy. 

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What is an interdependent relationship?

In contrast to the above scenarios, partners in healthy interdependent relationships consciously choose to rely and depend on each other, without creating a needy dynamic where one can’t move without the other. In other words, with conscious interdependence in relationships, partners realize that their decisions and actions frequently affect their partner and therefore consider that impact when making choices. However, considering the impact of a decision on a partner doesn’t mean choosing what’s best for them over what is best for you. That would be codependent self abandonment that harms relationships. 

In healthy interdependent relationships the interrelated experiences of the two will, in an overall sense, make life better for both partners. Here we might say, “We’re better together,” because the choice to consider, rely on, and even voluntarily depend on each other improves the life of each partner. In conscious interdependent relationships, partners rarely, if ever, feel “victim” to their relationship or partner because they remain empowered to continually choose partnership. If one partner begins to feel trapped in the relationship, the two have moved from interdependence to dependency or codependency.  

Healthy interdependent relationships have a spiraling up and expanding “goodness” experience. However, unhealthy interdependence moves in the direction of codependency and, as a result, has a contractive, or spiraling down, impact on the relationship and the partners in it. 

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The prerequisites for an interdependent relationship

To create and build a conscious interdependent relationship, both people must have a strong relationship with themselves. They must have the capacity to stand alone such that they can choose partnership. More specifically they can choose to depend on each other. Remember, if you lose a sense of choice you have moved from interdependent to dependent. Interdependent partners in a healthy relationship maintain and honor their unique needs and desires. At the same time, they choose to share those needs and desires with each other so each has the opportunity to choose to contribute to each other. 

Notice how often the word ‘choice’ was used in the previous paragraph. Healthy interdependence requires that we maintain personal choice. 

QUOTE | “Healthy interdependence requires that we maintain personal choice.” 

Happy and healthy partners will feel inspired to contribute to their partner while still taking care of and honoring themselves. If either partner consistently makes the other more important than themselves, this turns into a dependence resulting from an underlying fear of losing love. 

To stay healthily interdependent in a relationship, both partners need to hold a trust in the love they share. This certainly doesn’t mean one partner or the other won’t experience moments of personal insecurity or uncertainty. Yet because of the conscious interdependence these moments won’t be experienced as needy or unattractive. They will actually open a door to true love.  

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As we have explored the various aspects of interdependent relationships, we see that the strongest and most sustainable unions hold interdependence at the center. It sets the foundation. 

Said yet another way, we can’t have unity without sovereignty. Two sovereign beings have choice, not neediness, not desperation, not dependence. They do not have to have each other, they desire to have each other. They choose each other. Over and over again. 

Healthy dependence, otherwise known as interdependence, makes for happy lasting love.   

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Since 2006, highly conscious men and women, with a commitment to extraordinary relationships, have chosen Ecstatic Intimacy to find and cultivate Soul Partnerships from their bedrooms to their boardrooms. Ecstatic Intimacy believes in coveted relationships, for all. 

You too, are invited…