Is ‘Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder’ True? Only Sometimes

We’ve heard it said many times, “absence makes the heart grow fonder,” but does it really? Some know it does. Others aren’t so sure. The truth is that it depends on circumstances. It depends on the state of the relationship. It depends on how each person currently feels about themselves, the other person, and the relationship itself. 

To fully explore this popular sentiment of the heart, we’ll start off here by defining what absence makes the heart grow fonder means. Then we’ll explore the particular circumstances where it proves itself to be true. Yet we’ll also see clearly where and why the opposite may be much more real. Finally, we’ll close with suggestions and guidance for those whose hearts aren’t feeling so fond in the face of distance. 

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What does “absence makes the heart grow fonder” mean?

This beautiful notion of growing love even in distance offers us first a conceivable reflection that true love may well be present. Second, it offers a potentially soothing balm to an aching heart that misses its lover. Yet are these the only possibilities? We’re seeking here to understand whether this statement offers an unequivocal truth. 

And, we can surely say it is not an absolute fact. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” is simply a belief that one can hold. What we know about this belief, and all beliefs, is that when considered in totality, beliefs never hold true in all circumstances. Yet, to a limited extent, our beliefs serve. We frequently take on beliefs that comfort us, that make us feel more secure. 

That is exactly what this belief about distance in love offers. It offers comfort. It offers us hope and possibility. But what about when it doesn’t work? What about when we’re faced with situations and relationships where absence makes the heart grow colder? 

Understanding the intention behind this belief will help us see more clearly. The statement “absence makes the heart grow fonder” purports that when romantic partners or lovers must be separate from each other for an extended period of time, their love will grow only stronger as a result of the distance between them. 

However, as we’ve said, we cannot trust this statement emphatically. It will stand true in some cases but not in others. To know if absence does really make the heart grow fonder we must consider other circumstances and dynamics in the relationship. Let’s go deeper…

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Does absence make the heart grow fonder?

Since we do in fact know that sometimes absence does make the heart grow fonder, the better question may prove to be “When does absence make the heart grow fonder?” 

Couples who feel immense love for each other will tend to find the sentiment true while couples who face struggles and challenges in their connection will likely find it false. It’s like Newton’s first law of motion: objects in motion tend to stay in motion. 

Couples in love tend to stay in love, at least when it comes to absence from each other. On the other hand, struggling couples will often find their difficulties amplified during times of extended separation. 

Below we offer a few questions you might consider when you and a partner face an extended absence. Answering these questions may predict whether your hearts will grow warmer or colder during your time apart. Either way your answers will help you navigate the distance in more loving ways. 

• How secure were you and your partner feeling in yourselves and in the relationship when the distance began? The more security you feel, the more likely you are to feel fonder.
• How often are you connecting while apart? 
• What is the format of your connections? Texts only, phone calls, video calls? If you connect regularly in ways that allow affection and intimacy to thrive, your hearts will likely grow closer. 
• What is the quality and the content of your communications? Is there an intimacy and shared vulnerability or is the communication more matter of fact and logistical? If communication remains more matter of fact, the distance will tend to feel greater and the heart will grow colder. 
• Does affection still exist in your words and actions?

It may surprise you that when couples share a deep connection they can sometimes feel the fondness increasing even before one partner has even departed. Simply feeling and knowing the impending distance can bring a couple closer together. 

In a moment, we’ll explore when the heart doesn’t grow fonder in absence, but first let’s look at two other important factors. 

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What about “false attraction” and long distance relationships?

In our exploration of when absence makes the heart grow fonder we want to consider two relationship dynamics that may impact whether our distance helps or harms our relationship. 

The first is long distance relationships. In long distance relationships, in the early part of the relationship, when the newness and chemistry create excitement and anticipation it will likely seem that absence does make the heart grow fonder. Yet, over time, if the couple doesn’t find a way to relocate together the fondness might turn into frustration and resentment. 

In a second circumstance our human nature can amplify a “false” desire for something we can’t have –  even when having that thing, or in this case that connection, doesn’t support our highest good. Unconsciously, we often find our attraction and desire increasing simply because we can’t have it, not because it’s real love. 

Think of a time when you found a relationship so difficult that you ended it, only to find yourself once again pursuing the very thing you just released. We often see this amplified even more when our ex-partner finds a new partner which puts them even farther out of reach. We can romanticize what wasn’t actually sustainable love in the first place. This is not distance making the heart fonder, it’s scarcity thinking pretending to be love. 

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When doesn’t absence make the heart grow fonder?

We’ve now seen ways that absence does make the heart grow fonder, but when doesn’t it? What are the circumstances and situations that make the distance more vast and the heart colder and harder? 

Here are just a few times we may find more suffering than love in our distance… 

• When one partner’s anxious attachment style is activated. This can lead to increased insecurity which drives more “grasping” energy as the partner hopes to find reassurance in love. Unfortunately, especially when the other partner has a more avoidant attachment style, this reaching can drive the other person to pull away further. 
• When there has been a breach of trust (even small trusts). When one partner doesn’t keep their word, particularly if they don’t do what they said they would do, it can make it more difficult to keep the heart open in the face of distance. If a couple has experienced prior infidelity the challenges of distance can be even harder to overcome. 
• When the contact is sporadic at best. The longer the couple remains apart the more important and essential consistent, quality intimate connection becomes. We’re talking about all types of intimacy here, not just a sexual connection. 
• When the relationship is on rocky ground. If the relationship faces challenges going into the time apart, both partners will want to be especially conscientious and compassionate with themselves and each other. This very kindness and attentiveness could actually reverse the challenging dynamics and absence may make the heart grow fonder. 
• When the distance is indefinite. A couple may find it more challenging to grow closer when they don’t know when they’ll be able to get back together again. More feminine beings will find this especially difficult because the feminine by nature thrives on connection and unity. More masculine beings can easily find comfort in their independent time. 
• In the presence of unresolved conflicts. Whenever a couple feels hurt, anger, or pain going into their time apart, their hearts may already be a bit closed. The time apart, carrying the unspoken or unresolved hurts, will simply allow that pain to fester and grow. The heart won’t find fondness here. 
• When needs aren’t being met. When couples have to be apart from one another for an extended time, they may not as readily meet each other’s needs. When we aren’t conscious about tending to our own needs as well as our partner’s needs, resentments can build. And, as we know, all resentments inevitably destroy love. 
• When the partners don’t intentionally reconnect and reharmonize their relationship when they return to each other. Again, especially for the more feminine partner, when a couple returns to one another, their relationship will reignite and their love will continue to expand when they intentionally reconnect. Certain tantric practices can help couples reconnect in powerful and energetically intimate ways. 

As you see here not all couples will find fondness growing in distance. Yet, as you also see, working with and through the challenges consciously can turn an experience of absence makes the heart grow colder into an experience of fondness. On the Path of Soul Love™ we call this “conflict becomes communion.”

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When we’re not feeling fonder in our distance or when we’re feeling lonely in a relationship, if the relationship matters to you, it’s time to take action. If you’re courageous, it’s time to lean into being more vulnerable. For a real heart-opening, comfort zone stretch you might ask these 21 questions for a new relationship – even if you’ve been together for years. Going back to the basics often helps. 

Finally, to be clear, time apart could be a short weekend getaway without your partner, a week long business trip, or months long travel or time with family. Whether while you’re apart you feel strong and confident in your relationship, or more tender and insecure, you, like every couple, will benefit from intentional care and maintenance of your relationship. You will want to pay attention to what happens before, during, and after your distance from each other. This generosity of heart will increase the chances you’ll experience the real potential of absence makes the heart grow fonder. 

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Since 2006, highly conscious men and women, with a commitment to extraordinary relationships, have chosen Ecstatic Intimacy to find and cultivate Soul Partnerships from their bedrooms to their boardrooms. Ecstatic Intimacy believes in coveted relationships, for all. 

You too, are invited…