Myths of Alpha Males: Breaking Down the 5 Core Myths

The most common myths of the alpha male stem from a false assumption of unconsciousness in these men. Additionally, we’ve come to believe that alpha male and toxic masculinity typically go hand in hand. Yet these perceptions have been built on an out-of-date mental image of masculinity. 

Whether we identify as male or female, masculine or feminine, or anywhere in between, our continued association of masculinity, or being an alpha male, with unconscious power continues to perpetuate elevation of the patriarchy, and unwittingly the disrespect of the feminine. While this happens, what we need most is the honor of both masculinity and femininity in all gender expressions. But what does that have to do with the myths of alpha males? 

Societally we have begun to see the critical and essential importance of the awakened and conscious male (along with, of course, the importance of the awakening of consciousness in all beings). Unfortunately, our needed growth and expansion into a conscious partnering of male and female, masculine and feminine, is limited by the ongoing proliferation of the “masculine is bad”, “feminine is weak” framework.

Together we need to elevate the leadership potential of both. And debunking the myths of alpha males is a good starting point. 

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What is an alpha male?

To understand how to define an alpha male, we want to first look at what being alpha means. Then we’ll apply that description to maleness itself. It’s important to note here that while rank and order does fall in the realm of masculine energy, alpha can apply to anyone in leadership, not just men. 

The letter alpha begins the Greek alphabet and has come to represent first or origin. When associated with ranking or hierarchy, being first translates to top or highest ranking. Therefore an alpha person would hold the highest rank within a community, group, or society. As we know from the animal kingdom, and even through organizational development, hierarchies serve a purpose and are most effective when these positions of rank are embodied consciously – incorporating both masculine and feminine aspects of humanity.

Therefore, in and of itself alpha male is not a bad or negative characteristic. The term alpha male was first made popular in the early 80’s by Dutch-American primatologist, Frans de Waal, in his book Chimpanzee Politics. Yet, even de Waal admits that the term has taken on an unintentional negative connotation. Being alpha, being in the lead, is not a bad or unconscious thing. It is actually necessary in a functioning society, just as cooperation and collaboration are also needed. 

Unfortunately, when we put the words alpha and male together our minds tend to move into a framework or image of domination at the forefront. This misinterpretation leads to the myths of alpha males that we need to refute. 

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Alpha isn’t conscious or unconscious  

Being alpha isn’t conscious or unconscious by definition. The energy, approach, and motivation behind the actions of an alpha male, or any other alpha being, determine whether or not the person will be an effective and respected leader. A leader, one in an alpha position, can “take” that leadership through domination and control as well as through unconscious or immature expression of masculinity. 

Or, one can rise to a leadership position through conscious care of those within the group or society. He (or she) can rise through respect, admiration, and loyalty because he has shown that respect is earned and deserved. 

Another key thing to note is that the alpha is only the alpha if they have someone to lead. They only have a group to lead if those within the group follow. The question that each group or society must consider is, as we’ll see in a moment, whether they follow out of fear or domination, or out of respect and inspiration. 

It is the assumption and projection of unconsciousness on an alpha male, or otherwise, that perpetuates the myths of the alpha male. Yet, as you’ll soon see, being alpha can be very conscious and make a significant positive contribution to society. Let’s look closer at five of the most common myths. 

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Myths of an alpha male

Let’s contrast the unconscious masculine qualities commonly projected – that therefore create the myths of alpha males – with the conscious, even divine, aspects of masculine leadership. We’ll consider specifically how this shows up in a male gendered being. 

1. Dominating vs. Leading. Our myths of alpha males assume that men in “alpha” positions have “taken” their leadership roles through domination and intimidation, leaving those that “follow” no choice but to follow. Of course, this possibility exists, yet a male can rise into a strong leadership because people simply choose to follow him. They find his direction, way of being, charisma or personality compelling. When others believe in the purpose or mission of a male and feel called to support that direction, the man will rise to the top through authentic being. Domination is not leading, it is control. The two are not the same. True leadership means caring for those they lead.

2. Arrogant vs. Confident and Self Assured. We often judge and believe alpha males to be arrogant. We believe them to be self aggrandizing and performative in their “command” rather than being authentic in their leadership. While an unconscious alpha male may think he is stronger or more powerful than he is, a conscious alpha male will be both confident and self assured while not having to know everything or get it all right. An alpha male can lead while receiving input from his followers. As a matter of fact, the best leaders are stronger because they trust themselves and trust their supporters.  

3. Self-centered or narcissistic vs. Humanitarian. It may seem that alpha males only care about themselves and their recognition as “top dog”. Sometimes this is the case, yet too often overlooked are the conscious alpha males who lead groups they care for and whose mission they feel impassioned about. The sacred alpha male will look out for the good of the pack, the community. In this position he will be both provider and protector of the group he leads. He is humanitarian in his commitment to his community, sometimes sacrificing himself for the good of all. 

4. Feared vs. Respected. As we alluded to above, some alpha males will lead through coercion and control, using any method possible to maintain his position without regard for the impact on others. This type of approach demands loyalty through fear. Yet, when we debunk the outdated myths of alpha males that imply fear rests at the center of this kind of leadership, we can see that a true alpha male has no need for fear in those he leads. In other words, an alpha male can become an alpha leader based on the respect he has garnered through his work and presence. Those who admire him find themselves inspired to support him and move the mission, whatever it may be, forward. An alpha male does not need to bully to hold his position, far from it in fact. 

5. Insensitive vs. Empathic. Most of the time we project in our myths of alpha males that the alpha is insensitive, uncaring, and unconcerned with the feelings and experiences of others. Again, this can be the reality sometimes, but it does not have to be that way. It is not a given. Conscious, sacred, alpha males actually truly integrate the masculine and the feminine within themselves for the greatest influence. It is the yin and the heart of an alpha male – the feminine capacity to care and be empathic – that more deeply empowers and informs him as an alpha leader. 

What becomes clear as we look at these contrasts to the old myths of alpha males is that we realize a true alpha male will know, whether consciously or unconsciously, his own divine masculine embodiment. His power and influence as a leader will come from an authentic over performative place. Being who he truly is, including his own inherent weaknesses and flaws, will make him a better leader. Period. 

Alpha males can be conscious beings who lead with heart and soul. And, if we were to offer an opinion, the world today needs more of these courageous men. 

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As we recognize this need and call for consciously sacred alpha males, we can’t ignore the common question, “do women really want an alpha male”? The answer is yes and no. They don’t want to be in love with or married to the unconscious alpha male, the bad boy, or “godfather”. This energy in a man does not open the heart of a woman. It does not make a woman, or any human for that matter, feel truly safe. Love and intimacy want safety, consciousness, and expansion into new realms and possibilities.

Do women want the kind of alpha male we’ve brought to light here? Sure, that’s attractive. We’d also offer that humanity as a whole wants this. We want alphas, leaders – of any gender or expression – who lead with integrated heart and presence. People want to be with, and lead by, those who care about them and the world they live in. The feminine melts in the presence of a heart-centered conscious masculine being. This is the yin and yang in love and the polarity of the two simply works in life and love. 

With that, women, and society, don’t need every man to be top dog, or alpha. They simply want open-hearted men who will stand true to what matters most, even when it’s hard. You’ll even see this expressed in the 11 masculine energy traits women crave. 

So, men, or those who identify as masculine, you’re invited to consider your own conscious leadership potential. We are leading and influencing all the time – family, children, groups, neighbors, businesses, communities. It happens every day whether we realize it or not. The question is what’s the quality of that continuous leadership you bring to the world? 

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Since 2006, highly conscious men and women, with a commitment to extraordinary relationships, have chosen Ecstatic Intimacy to find and cultivate Soul Partnerships from their bedrooms to their boardrooms. Ecstatic Intimacy believes in coveted relationships, for all. 

You too, are invited…