Non Negotiables in Relationship: 29 Essential Questions to Consider

If we fail to know, and express, our personal non negotiables in relationship, we will invariably make poor choices in romantic partners. The absence of knowing this important information about ourselves coupled with the avoidance of the relevant conversations – because they feel too risky – almost always perpetuates a wash-rinse-repeat cycle of relationships and breakups. 

When it comes to who we decide to partner with in marriage or in life, we simply can’t make a conscious and informed choice if we haven’t discussed non negotiables. If we hope to have a relationship last over the long term we must begin with our dealbreakers in mind. Without understanding our non-negotiables too often we settle for someone with whom we could never actually sustain a healthy and happy relationship. That mistake inevitably causes heartbreak and harm for both people that was ultimately unnecessary. 

In our mind, stating our non-negotiables in relationship may feel harsh or unloving. We might tell ourselves that we should stay flexible because we imagine that having non negotiables will cut our pool of potential partners down significantly. Our mind focuses on lack and believes that to be a problem. On the other hand our heart knows that by being transparent and acknowledging our dealbreakers, we’re eliminating the potential partners that would in truth bring the heart more pain. By knowing our non-negotiables we get closer to, not further from, attracting our soul partner.

Yet what are non-negotiables in relationship? What happens if you’re already in a relationship and you didn’t explore your non-negotiables before committing to each other? How do you handle non negotiables in dating, even on the first date? How do you talk about non-negotiables?

---

What are non negotiables in relationship?

In a relationship our non negotiables include the behaviors, habits, circumstances and ways of being that we can and cannot live without. In other words our non negotiables in relationship include the things we require, must have, or cannot live without in our intimate partnership. They also include the things we cannot live with, the things we find unacceptable in a relationship. 

Said another way our non negotiables in relationship form a specific set of boundaries we have chosen and are committed to living by when in a committed partnership. They draw a clear line between what we need in order to have a healthy relationship as well as what we won’t tolerate in a partner or partnership.  

As we’ll see from the examples of non negotiables in relationship listed below, some of these matter more at different stages of dating and relationship. Yet to set a strong foundation for love, again, we’ll want to discuss them as early as possible. 

---

Examples of non negotiables in relationship

To deepen our understanding of non negotiables in relationship lets consider some examples. To make these conditions of partnership easier to grasp we’ll include one or two questions related to each example. As you explore these examples people know these form a comprehensive list and some may not apply to you. However, while some of these may seem like “duh” “of courses” to you, you are still encouraged to discuss them. It’s better to have you both say “of course” and move on rather than making an assumption up front that could come back to haunt you later. 

Ok, on to the examples.

1. Form of the relationship – Do you definitely want to get married? Are you a ‘no’ to marriage?
2. Children – Do you definitely want children? Never wanting children?
3. Sexual partners – Are you looking for monogamy, polyamory, or an open relationship?
4. Religion – Does your partner or your future children need to be a specific religion?
5. Spirituality – Do you need to share a spiritual connection with your partner beyond religion?
6. Location – Are you committed to living near your family forever? Is there a particular place you are committed to moving to? 
7. Pets – Do you have furry friends that must accompany you into a relationship? Do you have allergies or health conditions that prohibit you from being with pets?
8. Alcohol – Is it a non negotiable in your relationship that you partner doesn’t drink alcohol? Or that they do drink?
9. Drugs – Is the use of drugs or other mind altering substances ok with you? Are some substances absolute no’s for you while others would be ok?
10. Addictions – Do you have boundaries and non negotiables around active addictions or a person’s time in recovery?
11. Retirement – Do you have a particular place or way that you are committed to retiring? Do you have a committed timeline for that?
12. Politics – Is it a dealbreaker if your partner doesn’t hold the same political persuasion that you do?
13. Values – Do you have certain values that you must share with a partner such as integrity, gratitude, or honesty?
14. Athletics – Do you have a particular sport that you feel as if your partner must also partake in for you to be satisfied in a relationship?
15. Nature – Is your relationship to nature one of your non negotiables? Does your partner need to love hiking, or the water, or camping?
16. Income levels – Do you have a particular income level that you require from your partner?
17. Stay at home parent – Is it a requirement for you that one parent stay home and not work when you have children?
18. Lifestyle – Is there a certain way that you expect to live your life in terms of type of home, furnishings, social activities?
19. Family dynamics – Is it a non negotiable for you if the other parent has young children? What if they don’t get along with their parents or children?
20. Parenting styles – Do you have a specific way you feel committed to parenting your children? 
21. Music – Is it a must have for your partner to like the music you like? Are there certain types of music you won’t or can’t listen to at home?
22. Healthy living – Is the way some eats, exercises, deals with stress, or takes care of themselves a non negotiable in relationship for you?
23. Kindness and compassion – Do you have certain standards for how a partner interacts with and treats other people? 
24. Communication – Do you have requirements for conscious communication in relationship? 
25. Conflict – What do you need or require in the way some approaches and works through the inevitable conflict that will appear in relationship? If someone is a conflict avoider is that a dealbreaker for you? (Note, avoided conflict is another very common destroyer of long term relationships.)
26. Abusive behaviors – If a person has exhibited emotionally or physically abusive behaviors in a past relationship or in yours, is that a non negotiable for you?
27. Masculine-Feminine dynamics – Do you need masculine feminine relationship and sexual polarity to exist between you?  
28. Sex and lovemaking – Is a physically intimate relationship essential for you? What, if any forms of physical intimacy are non negotiable for you?
29. Authenticity – Is a commitment to authenticity for both of you necessary in your relationship?

Notice that many of these have an absolute quality to them. If you’re unsure about a particular aspect of your life and what you need or want in a relationship, that is perfectly fine. You can explore those areas together. Do pay particular attention if one of you has a non negotiable in an area and the other isn’t yet clear. Be proactive to stay in communication on that. 

---

Don’t overlook a mismatch 

If you find a non negotiable, you may be tempted, especially if you are a predominantly feminine being to believe that you can change the other person’s mind. You might hear your internal voice say something like, “When we really fall in love he might see it differently,” “If he loves me enough, he’ll want me to be happy.” This becomes a slippery and painful slope for most couples. While it’s beyond the scope of this conversation, masculine beings tend to change their minds much much less frequently than feminine beings. Feminine beings, it’s possible you could shift a non negotiable in favor of love and partnership, yet it’s not recommended unless you’ve first done some very deep soul searching. 

You are encouraged to go through these examples of non negotiables and the relevant questions authentically, first with yourself and then with your current or potential partner. And, remember to stay authentic. Sometimes we want love and partnership so much that we can often ignore our true deal-breakers. That, however, is not loving to us or to them. When we ignore our non negotiables for long enough we eventually tend to blow up the relationship and create much more hurt than was necessary. 

---

How to talk about non negotiables in relationship while dating

If you have courage, self love, and trust that your nonnegotiables in relationship are valid and matter to the success of your relationship, then yes, the pool of potential partners may get smaller. Yet, as a result, it will actually accelerate the process of finding your one. You’ll also enjoying the dating process so much more. When we choose not to settle from the start, we save ourselves the pain and regret of having to later admit that some part of us knew this person was not a good fit. 

On one of your early dates, if you find yourselves wanting to continue towards a relationship, that’s the time to explore your non negotiables. When you begin that conversation stay unattached. Be willing to lose the connection, even you’re very attracted, so that you can share 100% authentically. Then talk honestly and openly with each other going through each of the questions. Be sure to have the courage to genuinely listen to your potential partner’s must haves.

If you navigate that conversation genuinely and neither of you find any non negotiables, you can move forward with more confidence in your connection. If, on the other hand, you don’t have a match, knowing right away will be best for both of you. If two dating people find their non negotiables in relationship don’t line up, the only loving and kind thing to do for you and the other person requires you to acknowledge each other’s goodness, thank each other, and go your separate ways. To do otherwise will harm you both in the end. 

---

What if I’m already in a relationship?

For those who find themselves already in a relationship where your non negotiables present themselves, you must make a choice. To make that choice well, we strongly recommend that you spend some deeply conscious and authentic time with yourself. Get very very honest with yourself, and if that’s difficult, find a friend, coach or therapist to help you. If you’re married to your partner this inner consideration and authenticity truly matters, because no matter what choice you make, it will change the entire course of your life, your spouse’s life, and potentially the lives of your children. 

With that being said, no matter who else may be impacted by your choice, the greatest gift you can give them is to honor yourself. To do otherwise requires a self abandonment that deeply harms relationships. Honoring you, staying authentically congruent, and ensuring that you feel happy supports those around you. It creates a space for their happiness, much more than your resentment and staying for “their good” ever will. When you, or any of us feels consistently unhappy and dissatisfied others feel it. They miss out on the gift of our joy. Yes, your happiness and well being matter to those you love, not just because they love you but because they are loved by you. 

If you find, after your inner reflections, that what you believed to be non negotiables truly are non negotiables, you’ll want to share this with your partner in a conscious conversation. It’s possible that your partner may see that what you stand for in your non negotiables is worth changing for. However, you cannot expect your partner to change for you or the relationship, if that is not their authentic truth. True love calls for being ourselves and allowing our partner to be themselves. Living in tolerance and the ensuing resentment over more than a very short period of time is not true love and will only hurt all the hearts involved. 

---

When we live incongruent with ourselves it drains us of our joy, our life force energy, and most importantly, our capacity to love anyone well, let alone a partner we made a commitment to. What if it was your responsibility, for the good of all those around you, to be authentic to your non negotiables in relationship and dating?

So, what are your non-negotiables? 

---

Since 2006, highly conscious men and women, with a commitment to extraordinary relationships, have chosen Ecstatic Intimacy to find and cultivate Soul Partnerships from their bedrooms to their boardrooms. Ecstatic Intimacy believes in coveted relationships, for all. 

You too, are invited…