Reassurance: How to Consciously Give It + When it’s Needy

We cannot exist without reassurance, at least we cannot thrive as human beings in its absence. This essential and powerful tool of love all too often finds itself misunderstood and misapplied. We cannot disregard it as an egoic strategy. We must understand its importance in the development of our hearts and souls.

While we honor its importance, the need or desire for reassurance has also come under great scrutiny, deservedly in some cases. When used in unconscious ways, it can move us away from love. Used consciously, on the other hand, it offers a great soothing balm and lubricant for timid hearts wanting to open and trust. 

Here we’ll consider why we have judged and sometimes shamed our need for reassurance. We’ll look at and develop the important role it plays in our loving relationships whether that relates to children, colleagues, leadership, friendships, or our beloved partner or spouse. 

As we start with giving the concept of reassurance meaning and clarity you may begin to see why, when given authentically, it becomes the antidote to one of the most common problems in romantic connections. Simultaneously we’ll also see why the bad rap the need for reassurance receives also has merit. Together we’ll begin to unravel misplaced responsibility, unfair expectations, while we explain how to give reassurance in relationship.

Let’s begin by defining reassurance.

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What is reassurance?

In order to both offer and receive the gift of reassurance in the deepest and most loving ways, we need to understand what it really means. Yet before we can fully understand the meaning of reassurance, we have to consider the purpose it serves. 

The purpose of reassurance is to assist someone in moving through an experience of uncertainty, insecurity, or doubt, especially self-doubt. Reassurance also helps build trust, as long as we, of course, offer it from a place of true authenticity.

If the purpose of reassurance is to help someone feel more assured, to feel more self-assurance, then the meaning of reassurance can be defined as “the offering of love in the form of an affirmation of someone’s innate personal attributes or an affirmation of the quality of the shared experience between two people for the purposes of eliminating insecurity or doubt.”

Specifically, reassuring someone means that we reflect the truth of our experience with that person. For example, we might reflect and affirm the intelligence, beauty, humor, lovability, or importance of someone, as we see them. We could also reflect on and hence reassure someone of the joy that our connection with them brings us, or the love we feel in our hearts in their presence.

To reassure never means to make something up about a person. Genuine reassurance always calls us to reflect and reaffirm what we already genuinely see and know in the other person.

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What is reassurance in relationship?

Now let’s look more deeply at what reassurance is in a relationship and how it can both enhance and expand love as well as how it can actually perpetuate the absence of love. Yes, while reassurance is an expression of love, when sought unconsciously it has the opposite effect. Let’s consider…

When we have a long-term lasting relationship with someone, whether that happens in a romantic relationship, a professional relationship, a friendship, or a parent-child relationship, as we get to see their whole being we invariably witness their pure humanness. In our humanness lies our insecurity, our fallibility, along with the doubts of who we are and who were meant to be in the world. Every single person questions themselves at times.

That means that in our long-term sustained relationships we have the privilege to witness the beauty and the mess of another’s human journey. Yes, to see someone in their strength and their vulnerability, to see someone in their brilliance and in their failures, is one of the greatest privileges we can have. 

This is an intimacy worth celebrating. And, because we are given that privilege of seeing the whole human being we have the opportunity to love that whole human being

If you’ve ever wondered, why is reassurance important in a relationship, you can see it here. It offers a powerful form of care that uplifts and helps another evolve their soul. It supports someone in living into their greatest self expression.

In particular we have the opportunity to love through reassurance. We have the privilege to help someone close to us through those inevitable bumps in the roads we always hit as humans. When we see someone we care about or love questioning themselves or our connection with them, we can jump in and offer reassurance.

That could sound like saying reassuringly, “I know you’re questioning yourself right now, but I want you to know that I love you absolutely.“ As we said, our reassurance offers a reflection of someone’s inherent qualities, so when someone doesn’t feel fully comfortable in their own skin or in what they’re wearing at the time, we might say, “You are truly beautiful“ or “You look great!” We might also say, “I believe in you,” when someone is leaning into a new edge of experience or self expression.

Reassurance plays a key role in our loving experience so proactively practice receiving and offering it abundantly. 

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When it becomes a problem

Now we must consider the slippery slope of reassurance in relationship. It can unfortunately become part of a codependent pattern instead of an ever important interdependent relationship dynamic. 

The moment that we lean too heavily on our need for reassurance, it becomes a problem. While we all, at times, absolutely need reassurance, we can seek too much of a good thing. Naturally and normally everyone experiences self-doubt and when that happens to someone close to us, it offers us the opportunity to love us through reassurance. Yet, if we depend on others for that love, for that affirmation of our worthiness, lovability, or desirability, we do a disservice to ourselves and our relationship.

Reassurance in a relationship is meant to help us move through the moments when we forget our worthiness, deservability, and brilliance. It is not meant to replace our knowing of these things. We must realize and honor our own value and worth first before another can reflect it to us. Otherwise their words of reassurance fall on deaf ears.

To be completely clear, we cannot depend on reassurance from our partner to feel secure. In that dynamic, we only serve to perpetuate our insecurity. As much as people don’t want to hear it, the absence of authentic self love will always have a destructive impact on our romantic relationship. As a matter of fact, if we consistently seek reassurance it turns into neediness, which as you know, always feels rather unattractive. 

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Examples of reassurance

When you have a desire to learn how to give reassurance in relationship, considering real life examples of the way it shows up in our families, relationships, and businesses can prove quite helpful.

Here’s what reassurance can sound like…

“You really look beautiful/great/sexy.”

“I see your strength.”

“I feel your passion. You’ve got this.”

“We’ll be OK.”

“I’m right here with you. I believe in you.”

“Remember when you ___________? You can do this.”

“I love you no matter what… [no makeup and sweats… lost job… snarky comment]… It doesn’t matter.I still love you.”

“Yes, I see the things that I imagine you might want to change about yourself. And those don’t change my love for you one bit. My love isn’t dependent on your perfection. My heart loves all of you, warts and all.”

“You don’t have to win my love. You already have it.”

“I hear/sense you’re feeling insecure… It’s OK. I’m here to remind you of how amazing you are and how much I love you.”

“Yes, I absolutely love you. I absolutely think you’re beautiful, no matter what your mind is telling you right now.”

“Come here and let me hold the part of you that feels needy or insecure right now… He/She/They is welcome here too.”

“Don’t worry if you fail… I’m going to love you anyway. Just go for it.”

“Go for it. I’ll still love/honor/respect/admire you on the other side.”

“I know we’ve been struggling but please know I am committed to us.”

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Embrace the need for reassurance in you, your partner, your kids, your colleagues, everyone. 

Remember, that you can reassure someone in hundreds of ways. You don’t have to get it perfect. Just put your love and care behind your words, and you’ve got this. Yep, you deserve a little reassurance here! 

Of course, as we said, if it ever starts to feel like too much, if it feels needy, talk about it. Then consider the genuine need for self love and beware of unhealthy expectations in relationships for ourselves and our partners that can set us up to feel insecure or inadequate. 

Let love lead the way… 

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Since 2006, highly conscious men and women, with a commitment to extraordinary relationships, have chosen Ecstatic Intimacy to find and cultivate Soul Partnerships from their bedrooms to their boardrooms. Ecstatic Intimacy believes in coveted relationships, for all. 

You too, are invited…