Red Flags in a Relationship: When to Run, When to Pause, When to Walk

When it comes to red flags in a relationship, everything is not always as it seems. Certainly some red flags call for immediate attention, if not departure. Others patterns and behaviors may seem like red flags, but on closer inspection turn out only to be yellow flags at worst. Alternatively, more subtle and less obvious indicators of trouble ahead in the relationship, may not initially seem like red flags, but actually are. We’ll consider all of these situations here. 

We’ll see that red flags in a relationship have both absolute and relative ways of evaluating them. We’ll begin our exploration with the obvious red flags that you will almost always want to run from in order to remove yourself from harm’s way. First and foremost, you must  take care of yourself. With that in mind, your willingness to pay attention to what you notice and take appropriate action matters most. 

When we ignore red flags, as many people sometimes do, we set ourselves up for significant unnecessary pain. Interestingly, a willingness to overlook red flags may actually indicate a red flag of your own that you personally might want to consider addressing. 

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What are red flags in a relationship?

Any relationship, whether a newly formed partnership or a long term marriage, can display red flags. Ideally you’ll pay attention to these signs of trouble, and attend to them, as early as possible. You will want to notice whether or not the two of you have the resonance and inner resources to sustain the relationship over time. Red flags offer strong indications of unsustainability. When you address potential challenges early, and consider them when choosing whether or not to deepen a relationship, or even get married, you have acted with self love.  

To be specific, red flags in a relationship include any particular patterns, ways of being, behaviours, or attitudes, in one or both partners, that predict the likelihood of significant difficulty in that relationship. Red flags serve as warning signs for potential pain or harm that could come to one or both partners. In particular, they offer glaring signs that the relationship cannot be healthy, let alone conscious and caring. 

Below we’ll review the biggest red flags in a relationship, and please know that anything can be a red flag. If a behavior or attitude concerns you, honor yourself by paying attention to it. Don’t ignore it. Don’t downplay it. If the relationship has what it needs to last, you will not cause any harm by talking about what you notice. 

However, with that being said, if you tend to find yourself frequently showing up with suspicion, looking for signs of what could go wrong, this, in and of itself, may be a red flag. When we date and relate such that we seek to protect ourselves from reexperiencing past pains, we carry our past into the present. When someone worries about not getting hurt again, they have not fully completed with and healed from their prior relationship(s). If you carry fear of past hurts into new connections, you will surely find what you are looking for. 

So, if you’re focused on ensuring you find every potential red flag so that you can leave at the first sign of trouble, you’re encouraged to consider what happens in a conscious breakup. 

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Biggest red flags in a relationship: When to run

The biggest red flags in a relationship almost always tell us that one or both partners isn’t prepared for, and doesn’t have enough available inner resources to establish, a healthy or conscious relationship. These red flags offer very strong indications that a person has unresolved pain and challenges from the past.They suggest that someone likely struggles to feel, express, and receive real love. 

Here are the biggest red flags:

1. Unwillingness to honor and respect the other person. This includes emotions, needs, desires and boundaries. If your partner, new or old, doesn’t respect and honor you, all of you, then it will remain impossible for you to truly experience love. Even if this happens only sometimes, even if it’s only emotions that aren’t honored, this is a significant red flag in a relationship. 
2. Control and manipulation. Any overt or covert attempts to change or manage a partner or their behaviors will cause harm. 
3. Uncontrolled / Unconscious Anger. We all experience anger. When related to consciously it is a healthy emotion. When a person lacks an ability to consciously relate to, hold, and express their anger, it will damage a relationship and likely harm the other person – physically, emotionally, or both. 
4. Unacknowledged or unaddressed addictions. Addictions of all forms – both substance and activity related – indicate an inability to relate healthily with one’s own life and emotions. When a partner cannot consciously relate to their life, they can’t be a healthy romantic partner. 
5. Possessiveness and jealousy. Similar to patterns of control, jealousy and its related possessiveness suggest an inability to feel secure within oneself. This in turn makes having healthy trust in a partner impossible. 
6. Moving too fast / Loving too fast. When one partner moves very quickly into connection, affection, and generosity this can indicate several potential unresolved underlying issues that prevent healthy sustained connection. 
7. Lack of integrity. This could include lying and cheating at the worst, but also an ongoing inability to keep one’s word can also be a significant red flag in a relationship. 

If you see one or more of these red flags, you will want to strongly consider whether this is the right relationship for you. It is well known that many people are drawn to partners who struggle. They want to help. Yet these kinds of red flags rarely get healed and shifted without outside support. You do not need to sacrifice yourself for someone else’s healing or transformation. No matter how much you love someone, your love and presence can’t shift their pain and the red flag behaviors it causes. 

On the other hand, if you’re displaying red flags, please consider doing both you and your partner a great service and take time for your own self healing. When you decide to do the inner work you need, then, and only then, can you bring consciousness, imperfect but intentional awareness and practice, to a relationship. 

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Other examples of reg flags in a relationship: When to pause or maybe walk away

Some may consider these yellow flags, yet what we have seen over decades of working with thousands of individuals and couples, these more subtle red flags typically indicate that the couple will face difficulties. Without serious intentionality, from both partners, these behaviors and ways of being will likely bring a painful end to the relationship. 

This is where identifying red flags in a relationship becomes relative to the desires of the individuals in that relationship. If a couple wants to create a conscious, sustainably happy and passionate relationship, then the following red flags indicate that fulfilling that desire will be highly unlikely, unless they commit to working individually and together to overcome them.  

1. Never having done any type of healing or inner work. Every single human being has experienced hurt, pain, and likely trauma. If we want to relate consciously and sustain romantic love, it requires that we intentionally explore our self protective strategies and ways of being, ideally before getting into a relationship, as they will surely impact the sustainability of our connection.  

2. Lacking self awareness. If we do not know ourselves, we cannot be authentic with a partner. If we don’t know our own needs, wants, desires, and boundaries we cannot express them and therefore our partner can’t respond to them. If we can’t identify and speak about our personal experience, especially in difficult times, that inability will eventually cause a loss of the loving connection we once felt with our partner.  

3. Inability to consider or see one’s own part in any/every relational dynamic. Every relationship dynamic takes both people to create it. It takes two to Tango, they say. Sometimes one partner’s contribution may seem less significant than the others. Yet the ability to see our part, name it, and own it matters to a couple’s ability to resolve hurts, upsets, and conflicts effectively. 

4. Attitude of superiority. One partner may have more experience in certain areas of life than the other. While this is totally normal, if either partner believes they are better, superior, or right because of that experience it will always cause harm to the other partner. You must see yourselves as equal partners, even in the face of differing levels of experience.  

5. Conflict avoidance. All couples will face disagreements, needs in conflict, and outright upsets. If either partner avoids addressing these moments in a timely, conscious, and constructive way it will always eventually sabotage the relationship. All sustainable relationships require the ability to embrace conscious conflict. Those who know and honor this realize that when conflict is consciously met it always brings the couple closer together. 

6. Unwillingness to consistently engage in conscious communication. Quality communication lies at the heart of every strong lasting relationship. While of course we may need to ask for a pause to get clear on what’s happening within us, for a relationship to be healthy and lasting, both partners must commit to both speaking and listening. Both people must consistently feel understood and honored. 

7. Lack of self love and accompanying self abandonment. Some people, surprisingly a lot of people, long for love and connection so much that they will set themselves and their needs and desires aside in favor of their partner and their needs. This self abandonment, and the accompanying inherent lack of self love, always harms relationships. 

8. Inability to feel and express emotion. All lasting romantic connections require both physical and emotional intimacy. Most don’t realize that neither love nor sexual passion will last in the absence of emotional intimacy. Emotions are the language of intimacy and therefore, to stay in love, we must be able to relate emotionally. 

9. Reversed or neutralized masculine-feminine energy. Attraction and desire in romantic relationships depends on sexual polarity. Yet in modern relationships these innate masculine-femimine energy dynamics have often been neutralized, leaving couples disappointed and unsatisfied. When one or both partners have reversed or suppressed their natural sexual essence their relationship will struggle.   

10. Lack of openness to read, attend workshops, have a coach, counselor or mentor. Unfortunately, we are not taught how to relate well. No one teaches us how to consciously communicate or even argue. Few know all there is to know about love, intimacy, and sexuality. Sadly, many people believe they should know, and hence feel threatened by the idea of needing to learn something. All strong couples find support in some form or another, often in many ways. 

Having reviewed these more subtle red flags, especially for those who seek conscious soul partnership, 

some might wonder why anxious attachment style or avoidant attachment style aren’t included in this list. Others might imagine that sexual inhibition or fears should show up. These, just like unresolved family or relationship history, are only red flags in a relationship when someone denies or avoids those aspects of themselves. When either partner lacks self-awareness or has an unwillingness to work together to evolve, anything can become a red flag.  

All soul connection relationships form for the purpose of evolving each person into more of who they truly are as a soul. That means that all soulful relationships will face challenges. Knowing that, the real question when evaluating subtle red flags, is: does my partner truly seem ready, willing and able to consciously evolve? Nothing will be perfect. Yet with self awareness, self responsibility, and conscious communication, all conscious romantic relationships can have deep healing powers.

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What to do if you’re concerned

First and foremost, if you feel concerned about red flags in a relationship, trust yourself. No person and no relationship holds enough importance to make it worth ignoring your own inner senses and knowing. Self trust and self honor must come first in life and in all relationships. 

If you see one or more of the biggest red flags in a relationship, you are strongly encouraged to consider whether this relationship is healthy and good for you. Remember you do not need to stay with someone displaying red flags. If sorting that out feels difficult, reach out for help. 

If you see some of the more subtle red flags, then this is a time to pause and really connect with yourself. It’s a time to talk to your partner. Then, when the two of you talk about what you’re feeling, pay close attention to your partner’s response. Does it make you feel secure? If not, this can offer a good indication that you will be impacted negatively by the red flag patterns and behaviors you’ve noticed. You can, of course, also reach out to friends and ask for their perspective. If you decide to ask for their input, stay open to genuinely hearing what they have to say. 

Finally, if you consider working through the red flags, be conscious and careful of wishful thinking. You will likely only have the capacity and wherewithal to move beyond these unconscious and unsupportive behaviors if both partners truly commit to the individual and couples exploration and healing it will take to overcome them and create a healthy and happy relationship.

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Finally, in closing, too frequently people overlook red flags because so many other parts of the relationship feel good. Watch out for this tendency. Most of the time it backfires, putting you through much more pain than you need to go through. With that, be conscious of any part of you that may want to grasp, make excuses, and therefore tolerate inappropriate behaviors because of a longing for love within you. Ask yourself, have you, or are you, self abandoning in hopes of feeling loved and cared for? 

How you deal with the red flags you notice in a relationship makes all the difference in your wellbeing and happiness. Most often the warning flags will suggest that one or both of you would benefit from healing and building a stronger self-relationship before building a romantic partnership. 

And, yet, with self awareness, self responsibility, conscious communication, and a willingness to receive help – a couple can do and survive almost anything. 

So, when you’re considering red flags, pay attention to yourself first. Do you trust yourself? Do you know your self worth and lovability? If not, start there. Without those strongly in place within you, you will find it difficult to consciously and effectively evaluate and respond to red flags in a relationship. 

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Since 2006, highly conscious men and women, with a commitment to extraordinary relationships, have chosen Ecstatic Intimacy to find and cultivate Soul Partnerships from their bedrooms to their boardrooms. Ecstatic Intimacy believes in coveted relationships, for all. 

You too, are invited…

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