Resentment in Marriage: How to Recognize and Overcome this Killer of Love

Resentment in marriage and relationships causes more harm – much more harm – than most people realize. This emotion, born most often out of our intentions to love and support our partner, has devastating effects. 

We find it consistently interesting that most people, men and women alike, hold a great misunderstanding of this emotion and the circumstances that cause it. It can sneak up on any couple and if it shows up in your relationship you absolutely want to pay attention right away. Resentment in marriage left unchecked will inevitably kill both the emotional and physical connection, and eventually the love.

In the best case scenario, you want to learn how to prevent resentment in a relationship before it ever starts. Knowing how resentment builds, how to recognize it, and how to prevent it will serve you and your heart well. So let’s start our exploration with an understanding of what resentment is. Then we’ll look at how to overcome it once it has taken roots in a relationship or marriage. Finally we’ll talk about how to prevent it from happening in the first place.

---

What is resentment?

As we mentioned above resentment can be a sneaky emotion that creeps up unexpectedly between spouses and intimate partners, as well as in any other close or committed relationship or community. Most times people don’t see it coming. We probably didn’t learn much about it growing up. Therefore many don’t realize they feel resentment until they actually begin the healing process or get support from a professional. Still, because it can have such a major impact on our romantic connections, or any significant relationship, we do want to clearly understand what resentment is so we can recognize it as soon as it arises. 

Many people confuse resentment with other more familiar “contractive” or irritating emotions. It can feel similar in the body to anger or annoyance, sometimes feeling our body close down or even want to lash out. Other times we can experience it as a sense of insignificance or unimportance that makes us want to withdraw. 

We see from Brene Brown in her book Atlas of the Heart, that while many believe resentment to be in the “anger” family of emotions, she has come to recognize that resentment actually belongs in the “jealousy” family. In other words, we experience resentment when we aren’t getting something that someone else has that we want or feel we should have. Even with the awareness that resentment has a flavor of jealousy, many still find it hard to recognize it within themselves. 

Brene Brown defines resentment as follows… 

“Resentment is the feeling of frustration, judgment, anger, “better than,” and/or hidden envy related to perceived unfairness or injustice. It’s an emotion that we often experience when we fail to set boundaries or ask for what we need, or when expectations let us down because they were based on things we can’t control, what other people think, what they feel, or how they’re going to react.”¹

Now let’s get practical…

---

How to recognize resentment in marriage

Building on the definition of resentment, we’ll look at some examples of resentment in marriage and relationship so you can start to effectively discern when it shows up in your emotional field or in your partner’s. 

The thoughts in our mind drive and amplify the feeling of resentment. Our internal story line might sound something like this: “You’re getting ______ and I’m not.” You might ask grumpily in your own head, or even reactively out loud, “Why do you get to [the good thing you’re jealous of ] while I have to [the thing you’re stuck doing instead of the good thing]?” or “Why do I always have to _______?”

When resentment in marriage or relationship happens, the internal dialog compares your partner’s perceived good experience with your “lack” of that good experience. When it brews it may feel like your partner’s needs and desires matter more than your own. You can feel ignored or forgotten. When you’re experiencing resentment you may feel unimportant, unseen, or as if you don’t matter.

Here are some common examples of resentment in marriage…  

• You’re working around the house – cleaning, doing dishes, taking care of the kids – and your partner is chilling out, relaxing, or sleeping. You want them to be working alongside you. 
• You’re working in the yard and you just want to get it done. You’re hungry and tired, yet you’re going to push through. Then your partner takes a break and you’re pissed. That’s resentment. 
• Your partner gets vacation time when you don’t and while you know it should be fine, a part of you is mad at them. 
• Your partner rarely remembers certain dates or family activities and you feel like you have to carry all the burden.
• Your partner asks you regularly for something they enjoy – say a backrub – but you never get a backrub. That’s a perfect example of what causes resentment in marriage. Your partner asks for something. You lovingly and generously respond, giving the gift and caring for them. Then you wonder when it’s your turn, but you never ask for a backrub.
• Your partner goes out with friends on a regular basis but you never do. Now you’re getting annoyed. That’s more resentment. 
• Doing something that you don’t really want to do and then feeling mad because you did it.  
• Not feeling supported by your partner. 

The last example points us to one of the reasons resentment in marriage, and resentment in general, can seem so confusing. It also leads us to one of the greatest mistakes so many people make when it comes to understanding resentment. 

Most believe the feeling of resentment is justified because of the way their partner is showing up, or not showing up, as the case may be. This looks like blaming your partner for all of the above scenarios. 

---

It’s about us. It’s not them. 

But resentment is never .ever. about the other person. Resentment always happens because we don’t honor and express our own needs or because we don’t establish and express our own boundaries. Resentment is a natural result of the self abandonment that deeply harms relationships. 

“Resentment is always caused by an abandonment of ourselves, by ourselves. Resentment  brews when we deny our own needs and desires, when we allow ourselves or others to cross our boundaries.” ~Joanna Shakti

Unexpressed needs and desires cannot be met. Our partner can’t honor unspoken boundaries. When our needs aren’t addressed and our boundaries feel continually crossed, over the long term a feeling of resentment becomes inevitable.

Neil Straus even said, “Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.” And, most couples have a significant number of unrealistic expectations in relationships.

---

How to fix resentment in marriage?

Once resentment happens we know that both the relationship itself as well as both people in it need attention. The distance that has inevitably built between the two partners needs to be healed so they can restore their intimate love and connection. In addition to caring for the relationship itself, each partner also needs to consider their own part in the dynamic.

The partner who feels resentful will want to look closely at their relationship with themselves. Of course if both partners feel resentment, which is not uncommon, then both partners need to consider the amount of self love they embody. Yes, you’ve likely heard it before and you can’t actually love another well until you love yourself. As you see, resentment results from self abandonment, and self abandonment arises from a lack of self honor, respect, and love. 

You can consider and follow the steps below to overcome resentment in marriage or a relationship. These steps start out with specific guidance for the person feeling resentful.  

1. Start by admitting to yourself that you’re resentful and hence have been creating distance between you and your partner. 
2. Notice and be honest with yourself about what you’re needing or wanting that you’re not currently getting. Validate yourself.
3. Notice and be honest about boundaries you have (or that you want to have) that you have allowed yourself to cross, or that you have allowed your partner to cross.
4. Gently, start acknowledging to yourself that you weren’t expressing your needs, desires and boundaries. Yes, it may seem like your partner “should” have known. Yet they can’t know what you need. They can’t be held responsible for your boundaries. You must honor them for you. In other words, to prevent resentment in marriage we have to express. Otherwise we set the relationship up for failure in innumerable ways.
5. Once you’re willing to, or both partners are willing to, see how you set yourself up to feel resentment. Share with your partner what you were feeling and the stories you were making up. 
6. Again gently, see the part of you that thought you were doing the right thing by setting yourself aside in these various circumstances. Then forgive yourself. 
7. Next you want to forgive your partner for the things you thought they should have done or should have known. 
8. Ideally, the other partner will self-reflect to see the ways in which they could in the future pay closer attention to their partner’s needs, as well as the needs of the relationship, so they can assist in preventing further resentments. Sometimes, especially if we can be self absorbed, we need to learn to be more attentive and responsive.
9. Commit to talking more honestly and openly with each other about your needs, desires, expectations and boundaries. 

Again, pay particular attention to the fact that the first several steps have nothing to do with your partner. We must develop a strong and conscious relationship with ourselves if we want to have a strong, loving, and sustainable relationship with our partner. If you don’t honor you, it will eventually destroy your marriage. 

Of course, if you struggle with moving through these steps – and know that they are not easy for most couples – do your relationship a big favor and get support from a relationship coach or therapist. 

---

Preventing it in the future

As they say, an ounce of prevention goes a long way to protect what we value. With that you can absolutely prevent future resentment in the future of your marriage or relationship, or at least stop it in its tracks if it starts to arise.  

Most importantly to prevent resentment you must build a loving relationship with yourself. Be willing to honor and acknowledge your own needs, wants, desires, boundaries and express them. If necessary, dive into a deep understanding of what self love really is and learn to cultivate it so that you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you matter. You need to know deeply, in your cells, that your needs matter and that they are not a burden or an inconvenience.

Then, in your relationship, create spaces and times where you can talk openly and honestly with each other. Relationship check in questions done regularly can immensely help a couple uncover hidden expectations or upsets so that they don’t become future resentments. Practice authentic truth telling with each other. 

When you spend intentional time talking with your partner, any time you might be feeling resentment, or simply anytime you have a sense that you’re annoyed by something your partner is or isn’t doing, ask yourself questions like…  

“What am I not getting right now that I want?”

“What am I not asking for that I desire?”

“What boundary do I want to set for myself that I’m struggling to set?”

“What boundary am I not holding with my partner?”

“What am I not asking for that I want?” (A night out, a back rub, a bath, a few minutes alone, etc)

Be honest with yourself as you answer. Then share your answers with your partner so that together you can begin to ensure that both of you have your needs met and your desires fulfilled. 

---

Eliminating resentment in marriage can take a bit of time, but your relationship will thank you for the effort. The longevity of your relationship depends on your willingness to be authentic, to honor yourself, to listen to your partner and to communicate consciously. 

Remember that you prevent resentment by taking care of you and that, yes, taking care of you, loving you, is being a loving partner. True love can’t happen if the real you isn’t there 

---

Since 2006, highly conscious men and women, with a commitment to extraordinary relationships, have chosen Ecstatic Intimacy to find and cultivate Soul Partnerships from their bedrooms to their boardrooms. Ecstatic Intimacy believes in coveted relationships, for all. 

You too, are invited…

---

¹ Atlas of the Heart by Brene Brown, p. 33