Right Between the Eyes…
Indulge me for moment… you’ll soon see why what hit me between the eyes might be damaging your relationship or your chances of one…
Last night I fell asleep (well tried to) with an intense headache in the front section of my head. It taunted me most of the night. Just a bit remains this morning near my cheeks and nose… I’m not sure what caused it and I have a sneaky suspicion.
What I do know is that this morning I woke with some deep realizations about life and love and I said to myself without thinking,” That hit me right between the eyes.” Hmmmm…. That’s where my head hurt.
Why am I telling you this… for the same reason I share so much with you… because I want to keep you from going through the pain I’ve gone through… or at least to lessen it for you.
I’ve heard so many “spiritual” truths over the years and the one that arises this morning is “we create our own reality.” You see, I didn’t realize how much I still fall prey to a victim mentality and how much that way thinking was damaging not just my life but my relationship and my body.
As a kid, I was never the victim, in the common use of the word, and yet during a very short time between when I was 6 ½ and eight years old, several major traumatic things happened that were totally out of my control… where, although I didn’t know the word of the time, I felt like the victim.
To counteract that feeling, I did two things. I went into hyper-vigilant mode because I decided that life was a threat and I had to protect myself. And, second, in order to protect myself, I took responsibility for everything, or in other words, I tried to control everything.
So, since I was about seven years old, literally for 40 years… I lived in a constant state of ”survival” stress. That never-ending stressful hyper-vigilance made happiness elusive. It made love a distant second. It made physical pleasure… deep pleasure… relatively impossible.
Did I have a great life with great experiences? Yes. Have I loved? Yes. Have I felt the pleasure of lovemaking? Yes. And, I’ve only scratched the surface of what’s possible.
I was reading Joe Dispenza’s new book, You Are the Placebo, last night just as the headache arose and these quotes from page 142 really struck me and made me realize how much I was creating my own reality. And, it started 40 years ago.
“When we’re living in survival mode, with our stress response turned on all the time, we can really focus on only three things: our physical bodies (Am I okay?), the environment (where is it safe?), and time (How long will this threat be hanging over me?). Constantly focusing on these three things makes us less spiritual, less aware, and less mindful, because it trains us to become more self absorbed and more focused on our bodies, as well as on other material things…”
”Living by the cocktail of stress hormones for extended periods of time will cause you as well as everyone in your life to desperately try to control situations, force outcomes, perceive problems (the stressors) as getting worse, overanalyze, and predict familiar outcomes. In fact, stress makes us obsessive, compulsive, and somewhat neurotic.””
I loved the last line… although it is a bit embarrassing… that I can see that happen in me. The truth is when we “do” stress and these automatic responses happens, it hurts us… literally physically. And, it hurts the ones around us emotionally.
It also hurts those around us because we’re not fully available. It hurt those around us because we try to control them. It hurts our relationships because we can’t really connect to the love when we’re trying to control. Or we often can’t access or allow the true sexual pleasures available between us.
It hurts because we get into a constant chase for love, peace, and happiness yet we never find it… And, when the unending chase hurts enough, we give up and kid ourselves by saying, “That’s not for me.”
Take a look at your life…
Take a look at your current relationships or lack thereof…
Look at your past relationships…
Look at your day-to-day experience…
How do you really show up… How have you shown up? Be honest… It’s the only way out…
How much does stress drive you?
How much do you try to control and protect the outcome?
How much does all this block you from the peace, joy, love and passion you really long for?
Please share here or on Facebook…
*At Ecstatic Intimacy, an all-inclusive website for singles and couples, we welcome all sexual orientation(s), gender(s) and relationship expressions. In this article we utilize the pronouns he/she/him/her.