Self Marriage: Why Marrying Yourself Makes a Romantic Marriage Stronger

While certainly not a legally binding agreement, nor a particular religious rite, self marriage offers one of the most profound personal and spiritual commitments you might ever make. Surprising to many, marrying yourself in a self marriage ceremony sets a deep, solid, and lasting foundation for any romantic marriage you might make with another. It doesn’t matter whether the self marriage comes first, followed by a romantic marriage, or if a marriage to yourself happens after marrying your beloved. Either way, your capacity for shared ecstatic love will grow stronger. 

What we know after more than 20 years of working with singles and couples is that the strength of your relationship with another can only stand as strong as the strength of the relationship you have with yourself. Therefore, if you fall deeply in love with yourself and vow to honor your perfectly imperfect authentic self, if you commit to staying true to your soul, your heart, your needs, and your desires, you will automatically show up much more powerfully and consciously in any romantic partnership, whether new or existing.

Here we’ll explore exactly what a self marriage is along with what you need to do before marrying yourself. Then we’ll continue with why this commitment to yourself can make your romantic commitments stronger. Finally, we’ll conclude with how you might create your self marriage experience.

---

What is self marriage?

Self marriage is exactly what it sounds like. It’s making a marriage with yourself. The third definition of the word marriage on MerriamWebster.com is “an intimate or close union”. 

When you decide to marry yourself, you decide to have an intimate and close union with yourself, with all of you. That means deciding that you want to know yourself well, deciding that your feelings matter, deciding that you matter.. You choose to make your soul and your body a priority, honoring your body’s needs and your soul’s hunger for joy and fulfillment. You make your happiness, the embodiment of your truest self, and your overall wellbeing the highest priority. This in turn makes your life much, usually much much, better. And, it makes you a better partner. 

With all of that in mind, some people resist the idea of the word marriage when it comes to self. If that word doesn’t resonate in your body, then choose a different word. You might choose to make it a Self Commitment Ceremony or Self Honoring Ritual, for example. It doesn’t matter what you call it, deciding to choose you will bring profound blessings for the rest of your life.

---

Why self marriage makes you a better romantic partner

Some may imagine the idea of self marriage to be selfish. Yet when we don’t honor ourselves, when we try to love a partner more than we love ourselves, we unwittingly create disappointments, frustrations, and eventually resentments. You’ve heard it before, but if we don’t love ourselves we can’t sustainably love another.

Those in codependent relationships, with the accompanying enmeshment, never find lasting love or joy. When we fear rejection or abandonment so much that we will twist ourselves into a pretzel or sell ourselves out in an attempt to keep love, we destroy the relationship. Giving up ourselves, to get love never works, although our mind will try to convince us that self sacrifice means love. It does not.

Certainly self sacrifice shows up in consciously loving relationships. Yet habituated self sacrifice most commonly arises from our own insecurities. This is why choosing to commit to and marry yourself first makes a difference. To step onto the path of self marriage and make that commitment to you requires that you heal the relationship with you. It requires that you realize your self worth and your innate value.

When you know your worth, and honor it, you’ll no longer settle or sell out in the name of love. Nor will you expect your partner to do that. When two people remain true to themselves and still want to be together, that makes for a solid, strong and sustainable partnership.

---

How to prepare for your self marriage 

Yes, we do suggest that you make your self marriage a formal ritual with many of the common components of a traditional wedding. While some self marriages happen as a private experience with just you and yourself, other times, just as in romantic marriages, it can feel empowering to be witnessed in your marriage to yourself. Alternatively, you can create a self marriage ceremony together with a group of friends where each of you makes self marriage vows in the presence of one another. Every year at our Sacred Relating Retreat we do this. We host a self marriage ceremony for all of the participants. Each expresses their vows to themselves held in and by the presence of the others. 

We’ll share a bit of the process our participants go through to prepare for their self marriage, along with how they write their vows. This may give you insight into how to create your own ritual. Of course, you are welcome to join our community. Either way, let’s look at what happens.

Those who attend the Sacred Relating Retreat have been on a deep journey to build a strong honoring friendship with themselves. They have released themselves from the patterns of self judgment and self criticism that make it difficult to maintain a loving self relationship. This all prepares them for the retreat. We suggest that you begin in a similar way. Get to know anything that stands in the way of you having a kind, compassionate, committed, and loving relationship with yourself. Then go through a releasing and clearing process to free yourself. 

---

Your vows and the ceremony

Once you feel willing to formalize your commitment with yourself, you can begin planning your  ceremony. Starting with the practicalities, most people will want to pick a time and a location that feels sacred and honoring to you. If you’re doing it in a group or in the presence of friends choose some place that fits and works for all of you. You could find a space in nature that speaks to you. You could do it in your living room or your backyard. How you feel in the space matters most because this is your time to honor and celebrate you.

Next, you’ll want to plan for music and a way to make the space feel sacred and celebratory. You can use candles, lighting, along with any decorations that speak to your heart. Be sure to include a beautiful mirror in the space so you can look into your own eyes as you make your vows to yourself. 

After you’ve addressed the practical parts of your self marriage planning, then you’ll want to consider what you’ll wear. We encourage people attending our retreat to bring, and wear something that truly reflects who they are as a person, and that also makes them feel special. Finally, and most importantly, we suggest that you write your vows ahead of time. 

To write your vows, you’ll want to consider the ways that you desire to relate to and treat yourself. You can certainly use inspiration from traditional wedding vows. We offer a preparation process that guides people through a series of exercises to identify both what’s most important to them in their relationship with themselves as well as how they have, in the past, related to themselves unconsciously. Those awarenesses help them make healthier promises to themselves now. People also look at ways they have experienced self abandonment in the past. They then commit, in their vows, to honoring their needs, wants, desires, and emotions with great care. 

Expressing affirmative positive care for yourself matters most in your vows. Be conscious to refrain from including “don’t wants” or “I won’ts” in your vows. Putting any energy toward what you don’t want may attract it. Keep your vows very positive.

Finally, before the ceremony, we take participants through a clearing process to completely release any outdated vows and promises that they may still hold that no longer support their highest expression. This includes vows from past romantic marriages or past life circumstances. Again, you’ll want to consider doing the same. This paves the way to the strongest and most loving commitment you can make to yourself.

---

In closing, no matter how you create this ceremonial ritual for you, no matter what your vows say, what matters most is the fact that you want to make a commitment to you. When you choose you, remember that others can trust you more deeply. Also remember that authentic relationships are the safest and that self honor matters most in your authenticity. 

When you are good to you, you will be good to everyone else. Let’s say that again in a different way. When you consistently, consciously, and lovingly, take care of you, you will have the inner resources coupled with an abundance of love to share with others. 

Loving you well means loving others well.

---

Since 2006 conscious men and women have chosen Ecstatic Intimacy to find and cultivate true love and sustainable partnerships, while also fostering their mastery of the yin and yang of relationships (masculine and feminine).