Self Respect: How to Cultivate It and Why You Must Have It

Our capacity for self-respect lies at the heart of our ability to feel confident, take appropriate action, feel truly loved, and experience genuine fulfillment. Yes, every good thing in life requires self-respect. With that being said, some people struggle to give themselves this truly important gift of love. Most don’t realize its absence until they’ve been frustrated with life and in pain for a long time. Too long. 

While it may seem obvious that we need self-respect, cultivating it can feel elusive for many. Here we’ll begin by considering “what does it mean to have self-respect?” Then we’ll continue exploring the signs of low self-respect so you can recognize that challenge in yourself or in someone you love. Finally, we’ll conclude with a look at how to have self-respect and encourage it in others.

---

What is self respect?

Before we define self respect, let’s define respect itself. Merriem Webster defines respect as “high or special regard; the quality or state of being esteemed.” In the Soul Love Masculine-Feminine Needs Model, we define respect specifically as feeling high regard for who someone is innately, who they are in the world, and how they show up in the world. While important for both masculine and feminine beings, this respect between two people tends to matter most to the more masculine partner. 

Keeping that in mind, let’s return to our discussion on self respect because no one, man or woman, masculine or feminine being, can truly feel respected by another without the solid foundation of self respect. When we have true self respect we hold ourselves with high regard. We see, acknowledge, and honor our own essence, our capabilities, and our contribution to the world. To be clear, this is absolutely distinct and different from self-aggrandizing. 

Reflecting on how we hold ourselves, if our family or environment conditioned us not to feel pride in ourselves, if we were told “not to break our arms patting ourselves on the back” so to speak, then we were pushed away from a healthy sense of self respect. If those we looked up to didn’t consciously remind us that it’s ok to be proud of who we are and how we show up, we can turn toward thinking we are not enough, inadequate, and that we have to prove ourselves worthy of love and respect.

Yes, your worth, every individual’s worth, rests within the unique soul. Self respect is respect for the soul – its lessons and its blessings. It brings about an inner feeling of peace, groundedness, comfort, and trust in self, regardless of our imperfection. 

Self respect is respect for the soul – its lessons and its blessings. It brings about an inner feeling of peace, groundedness, comfort, and trust in self, regardless of our imperfection. 

~Joanna Shakti

For contrast, conceit and arrogance express very differently than healthy self respect. With self respect we don’t have to downplay ourselves to feel good nor do we need to puff ourselves up, prove, or tell someone about our goodness, attempting to convince them of our importance or value. If we know and honor ourselves we don’t need anyone to reflect our goodness back to us. With self respect we know it and feel at peace with who we are. 

---

Signs of low self respect

Now that we know what it means to have self respect, let’s consider the signs of low self respect. While we know self respect allows us to hold ourselves in healthy and loving ways, when we lack this self recognition and honor we don’t usually treat ourselves well. In other words we act in disrespectful ways towards ourselves just as we might act disrespectfully towards another. 

Some of the most common signs of low self respect include:

1. Talking to oneself in disrespectful ways. This would include name calling for example. If you call yourself an “idiot” because you believe you did something dumb, this disrespects you.  
2. Continual self judgement. Ask yourself, if you continually feel critical of another, can you simultaneously feel respect for that person? Probably not. Self criticism means we can’t see the goodness in ourselves that truly always deserves respect. Perfectionism takes this to an extreme. We do not need to be perfect in any way to feel worthy of respect.
3. Lack of boundaries. When you don’t respect yourself and honor your needs that indicates an  an inability or struggle to say ‘no’. In this case, you will tend to see the needs of others as more important than your own needs. You will likely say ‘yes’ to things in hopes that your efforts will garner respect. Yet, if you’re like most, you’ll rarely feel the recognition you desire. 
4. Self abandonment. When we don’t respect ourselves we disconnect from our needs and desires. We don’t express them nor do we anticipate that they will truly be met. Similar to the lack of boundaries, we give up on ourselves.   
5. Poor self care. As a result of the lack of self respect, the self abandonment, and the inability to set boundaries, you will likely not give your body, emotions, and spirit the attention they need for you to thrive. Often, those with low self respect don’t dress in ways that honor themselves. They may not exercise or eat well. They may not get the medical or emotional care they need because they don’t feel worthy of it. Or,  they believe what they do for others matters more than what they do for themselves. Ultimately your well being suffers, often greatly. 

With low self respect you may struggle to believe in yourself. You may find it difficult to trust yourself and feel confident in yourself and your actions, even when you accomplish great things. When you struggle to trust yourself and your abilities you may also hesitate when opportunities present themselves, sometimes missing out on something meant for you  

If you recognize any of these signs in yourself, take a moment now to consider your inner essence. You, without a doubt, have passions, desires, and things that light you up. These are your soul’s gifts and they are more than worthy of self respect. While you, like all others, cannot achieve perfection, your soul holds an important reason and purpose for being alive. It may have been a long time since you connected with those aspects of yourself that you love. You may not have considered what feels truly meaningful to you in years and either way, now would be a good time to start remembering as you journey toward self respect. 

---

How to have self respect 

We all deserve respect. We all deserve self respect. Deserving respect from ourselves or another 

doesn’t mean we won’t make mistakes. It doesn’t mean we will stay conscious in our actions all the time. We are human and we are meant to respect our humanness, including the normalcy of making mistakes, getting it wrong, and even failing. Failure, even repeated failure, doesn’t mean you are not worthy of self respect. 

Knowing that, let’s consider the practices you can work with to build self respect and start deepening your honor of self. As you learn how to have self respect your life will pivot in a way that may truly surprise you.

Begin by admitting you have faults and embrace your natural imperfection. Then turn your attention to your goodness and to your soul’s purpose. Next, you’ll want to focus on all the assets that you bring to life and relationships. If you struggle to see the blessings you bring and the contributions you make to people, just ask those you love and who love you. Then, have the courage to believe them when they tell you how much you matter. 

Pay more attention to what you do, accomplish, and contribute. Strive to drop any consideration of what you didn’t do. Your self respect builds from honoring and celebrating you, without qualification. Clear from your consciousness any expectations and beliefs, whether they’re yours or someone else’s,  that tell you that you should be any way other than how you are.

Finally, get to know who you truly are. When you don’t really know yourself it can feel extremely challenging to respect yourself. Self respect builds from self awareness and self knowledge. While you might not believe it now, you’ll never regret getting to truly know you. When you finally have the courage to see and admit the brilliance of your soul, self respect will shine clearly through. 

---

How to encourage it in others

Now that you see the opportunity for and power of self respect in you, let’s consider how you can support another to develop their own deepened self respect. However, with that being said, you must realize that you can never give or generate self respect for another person. They must always find it from within. You can, though, provide a supportive environment for someone with low self respect. 

While the person has to choose to take in and absorb your reflections, you can regularly reflect the greatness you see in the person. You can offer consistent gratitude for the contributions they make to you and your life. When you hear them criticizing or being disrespectful to themselves, you can kindly argue for a different point of view. You can offer reflections of what you recognize in them and affirm all that you see as worthy of respect in them. 

You might use the phrase “When I look at you I see…” finishing the sentence over and over with things that you respect about them. Of course, as you share with them, ask them to consider that what you share just might be true.

Finally, consistently treat them with respect, even if they’re resistant or not respecting themselves. Of course, similarly, don’t engage in or support behaviors in them that perpetuate their disrespect of themselves. 

Again, you can’t ever give them self respect but you can give them an environment where respect and self respect reign. This will surely serve, in perfect divine timing. 

As we’ve seen here, we can’t feel true happiness, accomplishment, or real love in the absence of self respect. A lack of self respect perpetuates habits and ways of relating that ultimately harm all parties involved. If we don’t respect ourselves we will actually struggle to fully respect others, especially when their unconscious, yet natural, imperfect human behaviors arise. 

As you build self respect, you’ll begin to eliminate self abandonment and you’ll actually cultivate a space for genuine self love to become the norm in your life. While that may seem far off in this moment, you’ll find it sooner than you might imagine, if you dare to practice with what you’ve found here.

True Love in all its forms matters and it starts with you. 

---

Since 2006, highly conscious men and women, with a commitment to extraordinary relationships, have chosen Ecstatic Intimacy to find and cultivate Soul Partnerships from their bedrooms to their boardrooms. Ecstatic Intimacy believes in coveted relationships, for all. 

You too, are invited…