Sexless Marriage: A Practical Approach to Restore Love and Passion

Facing the experience of a sexless marriage can feel devastating. You may wonder, even dumbfoundedly, what happened to my marriage? How did we get here? Maybe you’re feeling trapped, overwhelmed, or even hopeless. When someone finally contemplates the possibility that their marriage has turned sexless, they have hit an inflection point. When we acknowledge and accept a situation as it is, we gain the power to change it. But how?

At the time that awareness hits you, maybe you’ve already tried and tried and tried, and yet nothing has changed. Or, maybe you haven’t tried anything except your attempts to get your partner to see the error of their ways. Pointing blame at a partner never resolves anything and too often, in our blame, we fail to consider what our contribution to the experience might be.

In any marriage the partner with the lowest desire effectively controls the sexual dynamic between the two. Yet, how does the higher desire partner stay empowered? What is their capacity to influence a sexual relationship that isn’t what they imagined? While it might seem as if there are no options. Options do exist. It takes real courage to acknowledge and consider those options, yet when we open our eyes and our hearts we will find them. 

Here we’ll explore and create an understanding of what is considered a sexless marriage as well as what causes them in the first place. We’ll look at what to do if you think you’re in one and even consider when to walk away from a sexless marriage. Most importantly will affirm that there’s hope. 

Many couples, with commitment and communication combined with a good dose of humility paired with a willingness to stop blaming themselves or the other person, in fact find a solution. The loving and conscious path forward for both people can reveal itself. 

---

What is a sexless marriage?

To define a sexless marriage, we have to consider the frequency of sexual connection. We must reflect on how long it’s been since the couple connected physically. Maybe surprisingly, we also have to consider what sex itself is, because that definition may differ within a partnership. Let’s start with what we consider sex. 

Many only consider sex to be sexual intercourse and there are times in any marriage when sexual intercourse isn’t feasible or possible. Yet this, in and of itself, doesn’t make for a sexless marriage. True physical intimacy has infinite dimensions. While not common, some can experience sexual pleasure while never even being touched. So again we ask, what defines sex and therefore sexless? 

In our definition of sex, we’ll include all forms of interdependent arousing physical pleasure –  whether that happens through intercourse, affection, sexual touch, tantric breath work, oral stimulation, an intimate glance, or even arousing conversation. 

When a couple finds an absence of all of these expressions of physical intimacy, they may in fact have a sexless marriage. Yet how long must that absence have existed for us to truly define it as sexless? As we said, ebbs and flows related to life circumstances and relationship stages will affect different rhythms and frequencies for every couple. This is normal. Yet, how long is too long?

For our purposes here we’ll refrain from defining an exact time frame for the absence of physical intimacy because a healthy time between sexual interactions varies over the lifetime of a marriage. We will leave it up to you to decide whether you truly feel as if your marriage is sexless. 

If, however, either you or your partner feel that as if you have a sexless marriage, then we encourage you to address that feeling – sooner rather than later. 

---

What causes a sexless marriage?

While we will consider several reasons and causes of a sexless marriage, remember that no two marriages are identical. No two couples will ever face the same needs, desires and circumstances. Remembering that, what we explore here will surely give you insight into your own marriage dynamics, and you’ll want to stay very intentional in your efforts to recognize the exact dynamics happening within and between you and your spouse. Don’t jump to conclusions too quickly. We see time and time again that what appears on the surface to be the issue is rarely the issue. 

To start the process, let’s look at the top five reasons physical intimacy slows down and eventually stops in some marriages. 

1. You weren’t a good fit to begin with. In this case, at least one person in the relationship chose to say yes to marriage when it didn’t feel like a fully authentic yes. This happens for many reasons and therefore we have to consider the quality of a match when sexual issues arise in a marriage. However, we can also say that even if there wasn’t a full bodied yes to the marriage proposal, if a couple has gotten married, then their souls have do something for each other. In other words if you’ve gone as far as making a marriage commitment, you have a soul-based reason to be together. That means both people will benefit from resolving the challenges and conflicts that arise, even when it comes to a lack of physical intimacy.

2. You have challenges with conflict. What happens outside the bedroom absolutely impacts what happens inside the bedroom. If either of you feels disconnection outside the bedroom, you will have disconnection in the bedroom. Sure an occasional session of makeup sex can seem exciting but over the long-term makeup sex will never keep a couple connected when they’re not fully resolving the issues between them. When a couple chooses to avoid conflict by stuffing it under a rug so-to-speak, by trying to keep the other happy, or by going along to get along, eventually the unspoken words and buried emotions will reign stronger than any sexual desire. In a nutshell, how you handle conflict determines the long-term quality of your sex life. (And, no, thinking “it’s been long enough” and someone should just “get over it” is not resolving conflict.) 

3. Life circumstances. Our exploration of the causes of a sexless marriage wouldn’t be complete without including the normal and common reasons that marriages go through dry spells. These include having very young children, stress, illness, and menopausal effects, just to name a few.  When these times naturally arise in a marriage working through them together with kindness, compassion and understanding for both partners matters. If you navigate these times with love rather than frustration and resentment, your sex life will likely improve over time. These less actively connected times offer the partner with stronger desire the opportunity to practice self loving pleasure. 

4. Masculine-feminine polarity is neutralized. All attraction dynamics stem from the differences, or polarity, between two beings. The statement opposites attract reflects the magnetic force that keeps two people romantically and sexually drawn to one another. Unfortunately our misunderstandings of masculine and feminine energy within us and between us can cause us to skew, reverse or even neuter the attraction that initially drew us together. In short, if a feminine partner feels her partner has the “nice guy syndrome” or if a masculine partner experiences frequent, if even unintentional, emasculation, he will lose interest. When these energetic dynamics remain confused or conflicted for long enough, sexual desire simply leaves. 

5. You don’t understand your partner. Building on the masculine feminine dynamics we just explored, sexless marriages also happen because one partner doesn’t take the time to understand the other. This can happen in relationships of all types and we see it frequently in hetersexual relationships. In these relationships, commonly, but certainly not always, the man, or masculine partner, has more direct access to his sexuality and expects his more feminine partner to feel the same and approach sex the way he does. Women, or the feminine, have very different pathways to pleasure than their masculine partners. If this isn’t understood or accounted for, she will lose all desire. Sex will become a chore and eventually she will take it off her to do list. 

Reflecting back, did you notice that only one of the causes of a sexless marriage had anything to do directly with what happens in bed? Marriages don’t turn sexless because of a lack of sexual skill.

To further deepen your consideration of causes, we must share that the primary reasons couples find themselves in a sexless marriage have their origins and roots in problems that typically started years earlier. The most common physical intimacy issues arose, yet didn’t get addressed soon enough. Fortunately, you can start addressing them now. 

---

What should you do if you’re in a sexless marriage?

Again, while you can feel immensely frustrated and even helpless to change the dynamics in an apparently sexless marriage, most of the time your vows will compel you to try. As you know, dismantling a marriage is anything but easy. The pain of separating can feel as bad as the pain of struggling with your physical intimacy. But what do you do.?

Resolving any relationship challenge always starts with getting honest, which also usually means getting humble. Whether you are the partner with more desire or less desire, you have a role to play in the experience within your marriage. Yes, sometimes it can feel challenging to admit that. Yet no one person is ever, ever, ever the single cause of circumstances within a relationship. Those who know how to master conflict also know how to master having an amazing relationship.

Start with a reflection. Reflect on your relationship dynamics. Reflect on the quality of your communication. Reflect on when your sex life started to change. Were you new parents? Were there issues with kids or parents? Did stress levels go up? Were their health issues? Has one partner entered menopause? Are there unresolved conflicts? Was there infidelity of any kind? 

The pointers to the cause of a sexless marriage are always there and, depending on the complexity of your relationship dynamics, you may need support to get to the bottom of it. However the data exists and the answers will present themselves if you’re willing to genuinely look within.

As you start to get a sense of what might have triggered the disconnection or the beginning of the disconnection, don’t assume you’re right. You might be recognizing a root cause or you might have identified a symptom of a problem that started long before. Something completely invisible to you may have happened for your spouse. Stay curious. 

Your reflection invites you to look at what was happening within you as well as what was happening for your spouse. If you recognize that normal stresses, medical issues, or conflicts were involved when your sex life took a downturn, how did you respond to the shift? Were you compassionate, understanding, and validating of your partner’s experience? Or did you expect them to just get over it and beyond it? 

---

Ask questions and talk about it 

Begin to gently ask questions of yourself and each other. Be genuinely curious. The moment your questions begin to feel like an interrogation of your partner they will likely turn and run the other direction. With yourself and your partner, as you talk, seek to understand not to be right. Seek to empathize. Find the love that you have for your partner and ask questions from this love. If you ask from frustration it will almost always shut the conversation down. 

Attempt to be honest with yourself and each other. Honesty takes courage, especially in a long-term marriage. As a couple, if you have had the tendency for years or even decades to push your upsets aside or tried to avoid conflict or keep the peace, then you’ll need to remain particularly patient in this process.

Create space and safety for emotions – yours and theirs. While society conditions us not to feel, emotions are the language of intimacy. Sexless marriages always have a dam of backed up, unfelt, unexpressed, and unvalidated emotions. Your job is to disassemble the dam slowly but surely creating space for emotional intimacy to return before sexual intimacy possibly can.

Additionally, if either of you have felt angry or resentful in your marriage, if you have judged and blamed each other, you will need to take steps to rebuild trust. Trust needs authenticity. Authenticity requires vulnerability. And, vulnerability always needs safety. Your sexual relationship can actually be one of the most vulnerable aspects of your marriage so we cannot put enough emphasis on the need to build trust and safety for both partners. Only then do you have a chance to recover the intimacy, connection and passion lost in a sexless marriage. 

Finally, start taking responsibility for your contributions to the current situation between you. Neither of you created this issue by yourselves. Lean into self responsibility and refrain from blame. You’ll find yourselves much more likely to make progress this way. Similarly, seek to have compassion for both of you – the one who wants more sex than the one who doesn’t. You both need compassion in this process.

---

When to walk away from a sexless marriage

As you start this process, you may have significantly more interest than the other to work through this challenge. The more frustration and hurt, the more resistance you may find in your partner. When you find your partner truly resistant, you have to honestly ask yourself, how committed do you feel to your marriage vows? By no means do you have to stay in a marriage that feels unfulfilling, disappointing or frustrating. And, you have to tell yourself the truth about what you’re willing to fight for and what you are not.  

We always hope that, no matter how long your marriage has been sexless, if you truly love your spouse, that you will stay in the conversation and hold the intention to find a way to the other side until you’ve…  

• Sought to fully understand yourself and your part, and have taken responsible accountability for contribution. 
• Truly listened to the needs, desires, pains, and challenges of your partner, and validated their feelings. 
• Worked to find a path forward that honors the hearts, minds, bodies and spirits of both of you. 

No matter what, if you stay in the process and don’t give up, you will come upon a point where you know what’s meant to happen for you and your marriage. Hopefully, you’ll have resolved what’s happening between you and found a way back to love and lovemaking. (Hint: maybe you need to understand the difference between making love and having sex). Sometimes you may realize you need to walk away. 

You are, however, encouraged, before you end your marriage, to seek help from a coach or therapist. 

If you’ve honestly looked at your part from 360°, if you’ve received professional support and they agree that you’ve considered your part from 360°, and yet you still find no movement toward the physical intimacy you desire, then this may not be the relationship for you. Your marriage may have lived its full lifetime.

If you do find yourself called to change the form of your relationship, if you’ve worked consciously to resolve what caused your sexless marriage, you will then be able to end it with much more love than anger and resentment. This matters, especially if you have children together.

---

Restoring intimacy: Do’s and don’ts

Finally, we’ll conclude with a few simple do’s and don’ts to help you through this often uncomfortable and challenging time. The more conscious you remain, the more kindness you bring, the better off you will both be. So… 

• Don’t push. This will backfire. Take your time.
• Don’t blame. It’s never all their fault. It’s never all your fault.
• Don’t give up. Don’t give up until you’ve tried everything and gotten plenty of support for both you and your spouse.

• Do be compassionate with yourself and your partner. Compassion breeds love and safety. 
• De learn to feel. Emotions, as we said, are the language of intimacy. They are the path to reconnection, emotionally before physically. 
• Do validate emotions – yours and your partner’s. Neither of you are wrong for your needs, desires, perspectives or feelings. “Getting” each other breeds love. 
• Do take responsibility for your side of the situation. When we admit our part it usually makes it easier for our partners to admit theirs. But you can’t wait for them to start. Here conflict can turn into communion, as those in our Loving Soul-to-Soul program well know. 

---

While no couple ever intends to turn their marriage into a sexless one, many find themselves facing this painful truth. What you do and how you decide to show up in your marriage defines its longevity. The circumstances before you now didn’t start recently. The disconnection built up over time and unraveling the moments that led you here will take time. 

Be patient. Your hearts and your souls brought you together for a reason. Can you find the courage and the humility within you to learn the lessons before you? Will you trust yourself and each other to do the best you can? Will you consider that men and women argue differently?  Most importantly, will you lean into the love between you so that it can light the way forward for you? 

We hope so… 

---

Since 2006, highly conscious men and women, with a commitment to extraordinary relationships, have chosen Ecstatic Intimacy to find and cultivate Soul Partnerships from their bedrooms to their boardrooms. Ecstatic Intimacy believes in coveted relationships, for all. 

You too, are invited…