Take your Power Back… Stop the Blame Game

Have you ever felt powerless in a relationship… whether at work, with your kids, your parents, a friend, a spouse, a lover?  Have you looked at them and said out loud “If just you wouldn’t… {fill in the blank}…” and felt absolutely convinced in your core that if they would change their behavior, your relationship would get better?   Have you left your house or your office, gotten in your car and raged in your head, or even out loud when no one could hear… about how unfair, stupid, inconsiderate, mean, short-sighted… I could go on… that person you just left is?


How empowered did you feel? 


Seriously, ask yourself, in those moments… did you feel like you had the power to change the situation?  I’m guessing you didn’t.  I’m guessing you felt pretty powerless… and that’s hard for most of us to admit.  I’ve been there… I’ve been the queen of this game.  I’m smart, conscious, committed… I can see the big picture… I can feel where others are stuck… I’m a lover… so it can’t be me… it has to be them.  My head would say, “I’m committed to being my best… I’m committed to having a great life… doing a great job…. and  YOU’RE not… you don’t care… you’re not trying…”  again I could go on…   “This is YOUR fault.” I’d think… and on my worst days, I’d yell it.

Brace yourself for this one… I was being the VICTIM.  I made myself the victim of the other person’s behavior and choices.  I made my happiness, freedom, success, and love dependant on their actions… and in those moments I had no power… zero, zip. zilch




I’ll never forget the night a dear mentor and friend of mine said to me…”Do you know you’re playing the victim right now?”   I was appalled.  I was a successful strong powerful woman.  I was climbing the corporate ladder and doing it well.  I was working through my relationship issues… and he was telling me I was a victim.  I trusted and deeply respected him, so I listened… and to say that I didn’t have resistance to the idea would be a gross understatement.  I’d try to pretend he was wrong, even prove he was wrong.  Honestly, it took me years to really own this one.  But as powerful as I am… the truth is


I’ve given away my power many times.  


Shall I say that again?  I’ve given away my power many many times. I did it every time I blamed someone else for my experience.  In blaming, we take all of our energy and focus and put it over there on “them” and “their behavior or problem”.  When our focus and awareness is “over there” we can’t see how we’re contributing.  We can’t take responsibility and, more importantly,


we can’t see our options.


We can’t see how we didn’t stand up for ourselves… where we said yes when we really wanted to say no… where we did something to make the other person happy even though our core knew we didn’t want to… we took on a project at work that we knew we didn’t have time for, because we were too afraid to set our own boundaries… or we agree to work in circumstances that are out of alignment with our values because we don’t want to go through the effort to find a new job… we let our spouse speak to us in ways that we don’t agree with because we don’t want to rock the boat…


Our feelings are dictated by the future meaning we give an experience. 


And, that’s where we give our power away.  That’s when we blame and make it their fault.  We believe that they have the control.  They have the power.  And when we believe that… we have none.

If you’re spouse or lover is choosing not to make love to you… or they don’t pick up the house… or they aren’t paying the bills… or they aren’t giving you the affection or attention you want… Or your boss isn’t recognizing your efforts or isn’t seeing the impact another co-worker is having on the situation… What do you do?  Do you stand back and “take it”?  Do you say “that’s just the way life is” or do you think “it’s never going to change?”  If that’s you, or any variation of you… I invite you to


Take your Power Back…


I invite you to discover that your happiness, love, and pleasure are not dictated by this other person.  You are not the victime of their choices.


You have the power.  You simply have to chose it.


Learning this is a game changer… a life changer.    I hope its time to change your life.

One of the ways we can take our power back is to see where we’re playing small, to see where honestly we’re scared (men, you get scared too – think of failure, rejection), to see where we’ve blamed men, women, life…

One of the ways we take our power back is to choose what we want… LOVE, SEX, PROSPERITY, HAPPINESS, FUN… you know what you want… and then start a path towards it. 

If it feels like time for you to choose power… consider the Passionate Lovers Program.


Here’s to personal power!

In love, light and ecstasy,

Joanna Shakti

*At Ecstatic Intimacy, an all-inclusive website for singles and couples, we welcome all sexual orientation(s), gender(s) and relationship expressions. In this article we utilize the pronouns he/she/him/her.

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