The Benefit of the Doubt in Conscious Relationships

Having a willingness to offer the benefit of the doubt matters greatly in happy relationships and in happy lives. As much as some of us prefer we and others acted perfectly, we are categorically not perfect. We all make mistakes. We all do things unconsciously. Everyone of us has done something we looked back on wondering why we acted the way we did, often feeling regret about our choices. 

The fact that we “mess up” in our relationships means we need to know how to “clean up” in our relationships. That the clean up process goes both directions. Our willingness to give someone the benefit of the doubt plays a significant role in repairing misunderstandings and hurts in a relationship. 

Here we’ll begin by giving the concept “benefit of the doubt” meaning. Then to offer more insight we’ll consider examples of when and how to give someone the benefit of doubt. Finally, we’ll conclude with an exploration of times when you could become too accommodating, and you and your relationship could benefit from not giving someone too much grace.

Let’s explore… 

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What does benefit of the doubt mean?

So that we can understand this important concept and how using it appropriately brings great love, care, and connection to our intimate partnerships, or any relationship for that matter, let’s give the idea of the benefit of the doubt meaning. When we offer or give someone the benefit of the doubt we act on trust. We lean into our belief in the goodness, belief in the heart of the other person.

In relationships, sometimes we do and say things that get misinterpreted by our partners. The reason we did or didn’t do something may seem completely clear and obvious to our partner. Yet the meaning our partner attributed to our action, or inaction, doesn’t align with what we feel internally about our reasoning or motivation. When we share and explain our perspective on what happened, our partner has a choice to believe us or not. If they choose to believe us, even when they aren’t sure, they have given us the benefit of the doubt.

In other words, giving someone the benefit of the doubt means that, while we have no proof or evidence of the truth of their explanation about something, we choose to trust it. This is especially true when a part of us wants to believe something other than what our partner told us. This points to the fact that giving someone the benefit of the doubt is both an act of generosity and an act of trust in the other person. 

To truly give someone the benefit of the doubt we must trust them. We must have the capacity within us, to take them at their word, particularly when there is no way to verify the truth. Recognizing we have no tangible evidence on which to base our trust. It’s important for us to stay in conscious connection with ourselves and our inner knowing. As we’ll see below, some of us give someone the benefit of the doubt too easily or too frequently. Others don’t give it enough. Consciously offering our partner grace means we must also trust and honor ourselves.  

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Benefit of the doubt examples

Let’s consider some specific examples of giving someone the benefit of the doubt. Some of these may seem obvious to you, and others may feel like a stretch. We find this common with regard to giving someone the benefit of the doubt – sometimes it can seem super easy, other times it can feel like a big ask. Neither experience is better than the other. However, as we always suggest in Ecstatic Intimacy programs, notice your patterns. Get to know yourself, your partner, and the patterns between you. This will allow you to address issues or challenges before they impact the love between you. 

Examples of giving someone the benefit of the doubt:

• Accept how someone feels. If someone tells you how they’re feeling, or what emotions they’re experiencing, yet you sense they feel something else, trust them by giving them the benefit of the doubt.  The only exception to this we might make note of is when a more feminine person says, “I’m fine.” For the feminine those words, often but not always, cover up feelings she doesn’t know how to express or feels afraid to express. 

• Believe someone is telling the truth. If you have no reason to believe that someone isn’t telling you the truth, if they’ve given you no reason not to trust them, then accepting their word as truth is kind and generous. However, as we’ll discuss more below. Always trust your gut. 

• Acknowledge a seemingly honest mistake. If, for example, your partner or date said they would do something and then didn’t do it, they may tell you they simply forgot. Trusting that they actually forgot is an act of giving them the benefit of the doubt, versus imagining the inaction as a passive-aggressive tactic. Similarly, if a clerk in a store gives you the wrong change or a waiter totals your bill wrong, with the benefit of the doubt you believe them when they say it was a mistake. 

• If someone is late, trust it’s not about you. If someone shows up late to an appointment, date, or dinner and they tell you why they were late, trust that it’s not about you. Some people interpret other people’s tardiness as a reflection of how that person regards them. Yet, lateness is rarely, if ever, personal. 

• Trust they didn’t mean to hurt you. In relationships, we all do things that unintentionally hurt our partners, even accidentally physically sometimes. Believing them when they say they didn’t do it on purpose, means giving them the benefit of the doubt. 

• Take their apology as genuine. While every relationship would benefit from our improved capacity to apologize well, we don’t all consistently apologize in the most effective ways. If you sense your partner, or the other person, wants to accept responsibility and make amends, consider accepting their apology, even if you wish they’d said it differently. 

Having outlined several examples, with each of them, it’s important to pay attention to what you, as the partner, feel. If your gut says not to trust, then at least consider not trusting. It doesn’t mean you have to get into an argument about who is right. Sometimes, it’s simply ok to accept what the other person says, as you remain in a wait and see mode. While we certainly don’t want to do that for a long time, when trust may have been broken or if we’re just getting to know someone, relying on and acting on our own intuition matters.

On the other hand, if you have experienced violations of trust in the past and you haven’t fully healed the wounds and impact of those experiences, you may find it consistently much harder to trust. If trusting and giving someone the benefit of the doubt almost always feels challenging for you, it can suggest that you have more forgiveness and letting go to do, before being fully available for healthy trust in your current relationship dynamics. 

Let’s go deeper… 

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Don’t be too accommodating 

As we mentioned above, we see two common challenges when it comes to consciously and appropriately giving someone the benefit of the doubt. First, as we just discussed, if you always find it difficult to offer a partner grace, then getting support to heal and open yourself to new love will serve  you. Second, the opportunity to give someone the benefit of the doubt can present a slippery slope, especially for those who lack self trust, tend to self abandon, or those with anxious attachment style. 

If you have no reason not to trust, if your partner has been trustworthy in an overall sense, then you likely have good reason to trust. However, if the two of you have had real experiences of lying, cheating, betrayal or the like, then you may want to pause first. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt may still remain highly appropriate and supportive. And, you’ll want to take your time to feel into whether you can do this authentically. 

You’ll find no glory or goodness in trying to be the good, loving person who always wants to give someone the benefit of the doubt. Doing this when it’s not warranted is an act of self abandonment. Sometimes it’s also an act of enabling unconscious behavior patterns in the other person. If you repeatedly have to give someone the benefit of the doubt, this may offer an indicator that the two of you will benefit from spending some conscious time doing relationship check in questions or tending to the strength of your connection in another way that feels supportive to both of you. 

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Giving someone the benefit of the doubt comes from the heart. It arises from a belief in yourself, the other person, and the relationship. While believing in and trusting yourself and each other plays an essential role in all healthy relationships, sometimes those same relationships reveal our shadow, unconscious, and unhealed parts that need love and attention. You are invited to be willing to accept these soulful opportunities for growth within and between you. Glossing over them in an attempt to keep the peace or smooth things out always backfires – sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly – yet denying challenges never works in the long run.

Presented with the opportunity to give someone the benefit of the doubt or not calls for checking in with yourself as well as considering how you feel about the other person and the relationship you share. It may be a time to genuinely offer grace. It may be a call to stand up for yourself and stop tolerating. The situation may invite you to set a conscious boundary instead of continually allowing unhealthy boundaries to play out. 

You will find no right or absolute answer. Each situation will appear differently and need a different approach. Stay in the moment. Stay true to you. Be true to love. And, everything will sort itself out in a soul aligned way. 

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Since 2006, highly conscious men and women, with a commitment to extraordinary relationships, have chosen Ecstatic Intimacy to find and cultivate Soul Partnerships from their bedrooms to their boardrooms. Ecstatic Intimacy believes in coveted relationships, for all. 

You too, are invited…

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