good boy girl

The Good Boy / Good Girl Syndrome

Unfortunately, no matter how “nice” they might seem, the good girl and good boy, aren’t sexy and they don’t lead passionate lives.

They simply can’t.  Yes, can “good” men and women have happy moment together? Can they have great moments of lovemaking ecstasy?  Yes.  Absolutely.

And, as they say, you don’t know what you don’t know.

Although most of us were “trained” by well-meaning parents, it start from the first moment we could move around on our own. We heard the words, “Be a good girl.  Be a good boy.” And believe it or not, most adults are still trying to follow the girl girl / good boy rules. These words do not inspire great adult men and women, and certainly don’t make for great lovers and life partners.  The words are a TRAP!

For those of you who’ve done any work with me or who’ve read any of my writing, you know that I believe authenticity is the most attractive quality we have (and that authenticity is just about the only way to have a healthy relationship with any longevity, but that’s for another day).  Being “good” is just like trying to “get it right,” do the “right thing,” or be “perfect.”  Each of those strategies seems like they could get us love, success, or even prosperity.  Doing the “right” thing, should pay off, right?  Nope!


Doing the right thing, trying to nice, being good… is a setup for heartbreak.


I recently had a huge realization about the effect of the “Good Girl Syndrome” on me, my relationship, and even my business. I’ll share it in a moment.

Another thing you’ll hear me talk about is that we have to get out of our comfort zone in order to manifest our desires… which means we have embrace our dis-comfort zone.  So let me use myself as an example, I was looking at a particular pattern in my life and realized that I was very comfortable when I knew I could do it right, when I could absolutely do what I said I’d do. That meant I was “good”.  Then I asked myself, “What’s the ‘discomfort zone’ that I have to embrace to be free of this pattern?”  The answer:  “Being Bad”.

As I explored this trap, in my journal I wrote, “I hate being bad.  Bad was never good.  Bad got me punished.  Bad got me the silent treatment.  Bad meant people were angry with me.  Bad meant people might stop loving me.  Bad is sad.  Bad is lonely.  It means you get sent to your room and nobody wants you. Bad is boring and I hate boring… but mostly bad is lonely because you’re unwanted.  I hate that.  I hate that.”

That is word-for-word out of my journal.  After rereading what I wrote, I knew I had to share it in hopes that it would propel you to set yourself free from the trap of “Be a good girl. Be a good boy,” that so many of our parents unknowingly set for us.

I knew I was always (and still am) bothered when I hear a parent say “be a good boy or girl”… as if this is our identity, as if we could actually be “bad” at our essence.  I know that’s not what is actually meant but it is what is heard by children.  I had no idea how deeply this impacted how I show up in life, in relationship, in business, in bed – as an adult.  Let’s just say I’ve done some more deep clearing work.  I’m done with the “good girl” persona.  It’s time to be me.


Is it time to be you?  Is it time to give up trying to please everyone else?  Is it time to give up trying to live up to someone else’s expectations for you? Are you ready to be free?


… then please take the steps you need to set yourself free the “good girl” and “good boy” traps… We want you, your partner wants you, your next date wants you.  We want your sexiness and “good” ain’t where it’s at!

Reach out to whoever can help you, and if I can help, I’d be honored.  Or join where we unravel those unconscious patterns and set you free.

In love, light and ecstasy,

Joanna Shakti

*At Ecstatic Intimacy, an all-inclusive website for singles and couples, we welcome all sexual orientation(s), gender(s) and relationship expressions. In this article we utilize the pronouns he/she/him/her.

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  1. Nava on April 29, 2021 at 11:28 pm

    I love your writing always hit deep truth
    Thank you
    Much love

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