What is self awareness: The Heart of Conscious Relating

When people ask the question, what is self awareness, many imagine the answer to be rooted in spiritual concepts. While our spiritual journey will certainly call for self awareness, our personal day-to-day lives call for it equally as much, if not more. To have a happy, healthy, fulfilling life we must understand what self awareness is and develop solid skill and capacity with it.

When we practice and embody self awareness, we will find with it a freedom to experience authenticity, a courage to navigate conflicts consciously, and the essential ingredients needed for dreams to come true.

To that end, we’ll begin here with an understanding of the meaning of self awareness and why it’s important in life. From there we’ll specifically explore both emotional and spiritual self awareness. That will lead us into a consideration of the impact of a lack of self awareness. Then we’ll then finish with an understanding of why self awareness matters so much in relationship and how to cultivate your deepest capacity for it.

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Self awareness definition 

In order to understand the full meaning of self awareness, let’s look at its two components. Seemingly, both self and awareness are fairly simple words in concept, yet you may find more than initially meets the eye. 

When it comes to the word self, we can look at it from both the personal lens and the cosmic, universal or Divine perspective.

In its basic form, the word self reflects the person you are sitting here reading this. It reflects who you know yourself to be and the identities that you associate with yourself. Taking a step deeper, beginning to bridge the space between our human and our divine expression, we could consider the Self as equivalent to the Soul, where we define the soul as the unique frequencies of our incarnation. 

Each of us has a unique soul expression that will never be replicated. So if we want to know the answer to the question, what is self awareness we must consider also soul awareness.

Finally, going deeper or we might say vaster, from a spiritual perspective the Self is the one indivisible, unity or oneness that is the Universe itself. Our expanded awareness of this infinite and eternal Self will surely open us to the deepest experiences and realms of love, joy, and ecstasy available on this human journey.

Let’s now turn to the word awareness. In the simplest terms it means the experience of being aware. We could further describe this as the experience of being conscious, present, or attuned to something.

When we combine the two words, self awareness is our consciousness, presence, attunement, and acceptance of what we’ve come to know as ourselves, whether that be the individual personality, the cosmic unity or anything in between. In that definition of self awareness, the last word acceptance matters the most. It makes the experience of self awareness truly possible. We cannot actually be self aware if we are in resistance to any aspect of that with which we want to be aware of.

So in a sense, self awareness and love go hand-in-hand. We have the capacity for the most love when we can experience the most authentic self awareness.

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What is lack of self awareness and its effects

Self awareness is the fundamental precursor to authenticity. We must have self awareness in order to feel known, to feel seen, to feel accepted as we are. We imagine that feeling seen depends on the other person’s capacity to see us. Yet it actually depends on our willingness to be seen. If a part of us fears being seen and known, we will unconsciously resist and close off to that seeing from another. Self awareness sets the stage to our ability to be seen. 

If we are not aware of, if we hide from, if we deny or refuse to acknowledge aspects of ourselves, we cannot feel connected. We cannot feel a sense of belonging. We cannot trust ourselves nor our decisions. 

To help further understand this, let’s look at examples of both self awareness and a lack of self awareness.

• At a very basic level, with self awareness, we know where our body is in space. Without it, we bump into things and stumble.

• With emotional self awareness, we sense and acknowledge our emotions. Without it, we feel numb and disconnected, maybe even depressed. Depression itself is a repression or suppression of our emotions. In this case, we specifically do not want to be aware of our emotions.

• In self awareness, we know our needs, wants and desires. With a lack of self awareness  we lose ourselves and no longer know what makes us happy. We cannot express our needs and desires, making it hard for others to contribute to us. 

• In moments of conflict self awareness allows us to recognize what has been triggered within us, which then empowers us to respond more consciously. Without self awareness, we can spiral into deeper and deeper reactions, imagining that the upset is all about the other person and their actions or interactions. With a lack of self awareness, we will have a greater tendency to blame.

• With conscious presence to ourselves, we can access deeper realms of pleasure. In physical intimacy, too often a disconnection from self, an unconscious resistance to being embodied, often coupled with a shame of sensation or pleasure, create an inability to stay present to the moment. That in turn limits the realms of ecstasy and bliss we might reach.

• When it comes to soul awareness, we have a sense of our reason for being, our purpose, our Divine destiny. With this knowing of self, we will find both passion and direction. We will find resilience in the most challenging moments of life. In its absence, we may experience ourselves as rudderless, meaningless, or powerless. In the worst cases it may lead to apathy, or again depression.

• Stretching again into that vaster realm, in the presence of self awareness we will sense our divine nature. We will experience interconnectedness, a sense of the infinite eternal now, and ultimately Divine union. With a lack of our greater Self awareness, we may feel a deep sense of aloneness and separation that leads to living a life of fear, insecurity, and anxiety. We will find it nearly impossible to live the life of our dreams in the absence of an awareness, knowing, and trust of our Greatest Nature.

If you’ve ever wondered why self awareness is important, you’re likely beginning to see that any life of sustained happiness, well-being, and partnership depends on our understanding of what self awareness is in our capacity to embody it. 

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What is self awareness in relationship and why it matters

In relationship, every human craves being loved for who they are. Yet, as we alluded to above, most human beings spend the majority of their lives hoping and striving to be known rather than actually experiencing it. They continually seek the person who will finally see and accept them for who they are. 

Yet interestingly enough, while we want our partners to be aware of who we are and accept us as we are, we all too often simultaneously fear being known as our real human imperfect self. Therefore, we find ourselves habitually embodying patterns of self denial and self abandonment. 

Those who fear being known have, underneath the surface, a deep desire to be accepted. Even more deeply they have an immense fear of being rejected. Sadly, the hiding of their true self is a personal self rejection predicated on a lack of self awareness. 

Many people unconsciously refuse to develop self awareness because they fear that they may not like what they find in themselves. They fear that their desires and needs will conflict with the one they’re dating or in a relationship with. Therefore many imagine that it’s safer and better to not know oneself.

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The impact 

Imagine for a moment a relationship where you avoid or lack self awareness. Could you know your needs, your wants, your desires, your turn ons, your turn offs, your boundaries, or your dealbreakers? You couldn’t. We cannot know, nor express or attend to, what matters to us without self awareness.

If we pretend to be something we believe will be loved rather than allowing our self awareness to bring out our authentic personal expression, who is on the date, who is in the relationship? 

In our programs, at our retreats, we talk about the fact that we can only be as known by another as we know ourselves. The experience of Ecstatic Intimacy rests on the premise that the strength of a relationship with another can only be as strong as the relationship we have with ourselves. In the absence of self awareness, we cannot have a strong nor solid relationship with ourselves. Therefore, we cannot have a strong, solid, nor sustainable relationship with another.

If you want to be deeply in love, if you want to have sustained soul connection, if you want lasting partnership, then you must understand what self awareness is and build your capacity for it.

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The path to conscious (and sustained) love 

When people imagine soul love and Ecstatic Intimacy, their minds tend to go first to the other person. Envisioning the right person brings visions of the right, fairytale relationship. Unfortunately, that means that our perception of the other person dictates our experience of love. If we like what the other person is doing, if they show up the way we expect them to do, we feel good. If they “misbehave” we feel misery. 

This is where blame and powerlessness come in. If we view the other person and their way of being as the primary challenge, we have no control to change the circumstances. Once in a while that might hold true. However, much more often, in our other-orientation we become blind, avoidant, and in denial of our own contribution to the relationship dynamics. This lack of awareness of self is all too common. Yet it is one of the reasons so many couples cannot maintain their relationship.

We cannot solve relationship challenges at the level of the relationship. 

What’s happening in a relationship, whether that relationship brings ecstatic joy, or it creates pain and misery, starts with what’s happening within each individual. 

Therefore, when both people commit to understanding what self awareness is and commit to the courage to embody it everything changes. The path of soul love, the path of Ecstatic Intimacy, starts with Ecstatic Authenticity. True love and all sustainable intimate partnerships start with knowing and honoring ourselves. 

When we come from genuine authenticity, we find our ability to successfully navigate both the beauty and the challenges that come with soul love. As we develop that capacity, we immediately discover more and more moments of breathtaking and indescribable love and joy. We call this Ecstatic Ecstasy.

So if you desire Divine Union and Ecstatic Ecstasy, then we invite you to cultivate a deep self love, rooted in genuine self awareness, and the acceptance that accompanies it.

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Please know that…

Self awareness takes courage. 

Self awareness takes patience. 

Self awareness sets us free.

May you have the courage to begin.

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Since 2006 conscious men and women have chosen Ecstatic Intimacy to find and cultivate true love and sustainable partnerships, while also fostering their mastery of the yin and yang of relationships (masculine and feminine).

And stepping into creating their relationships consciously.