What is Self Love? The Ultimate Path to Authenticity, Fulfillment, & Romance

Having the courage to ask “What is self love?” opens the door to not only peace and joy, but to a life that regularly leaves us feeling grateful and blessed. At first the connection between self love and an amazing life may not seem obvious. For some, it might even seem counterintuitive, believing instead that we have to push ourselves to have success and be loved. Yet the only way to create a life filled with relationships and experiences that we celebrate and revel in, rather than begrudge, resent, or regret, starts with self love.

Here we will explore the deep power and impact that self love has on our lives and our relationships — all relationships, and in particular our romantic ones. We will start with an understanding of what self love is and its component parts. Then we’ll look at why it matters so much. Next we’ll take the time to turn this often, seemingly abstract concept of self love into something practical and “livable”on a day-to-day basis. Finally we’ll conclude with an understanding of the ultimate expression of self love and what that can mean for the quality of your life.

Let’s dive in.

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What is self love?

Self love feels difficult for many to embody and experience because we don’t really understand what it is. If we have experienced it, we may not realize it. If we haven’t experienced it, we have no reference points to recognize it when it does happen. However, even if you haven’t consciously experienced it before, once you understand the answers to the question, what is self love, you will find within yourself the capacity to recognize and feel it regardless of any lack of past experience. Self love is actually not that difficult once you understand what it is.

Let’s be real. People don’t walk around saying “Oh I loved myself so well today,” or “What a great love affair I’m having with myself.” We don’t talk about the ups and downs of a loving relationship with ourselves in the same way that we talk about the magic and challenges of romantic relationships. Yet, as we look closer, we’ll see that when we have a genuinely loving relationship with ourselves we will experience relationship dynamics similar to those in romantic connections. For example, just as with our romantic beloved, we won’t appreciate or even like everything we do, but we’ll love ourselves anyway. 

Let’s continue to turn this nebulous idea into something concrete.

Self love is, in its simplest definition, an experience of consciously relating with ourselves. Just as when we consciously relate with another, self love means we remain present with ourselves, even when we show up imperfectly and unconsciously. We listen to our needs, wants, and desires. We respond to those needs and desires consistently, ensuring that we’re well taken care of. Self love means that we bring kindness and compassion, along with encouragement and recognition, to ourselves no matter how we show up in the world. We know we’re doing the best that we can. 

Going a bit deeper, ask yourself, would you consciously shame, guilt trip, or intentionally judge someone you love – a partner, a child, a sibling, a friend? Or course not. While our wounded and unconscious selves will do these things at times, we would not consider these as acts of love. In the same way, true self love won’t allow you to treat yourself that way either. 

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Components of self love

Interestingly, we can more deeply see what self love is when we view it as a combination of parental love and romantic love, both directed towards ourselves Yet, what does that really mean? To begin with it means we bring conscious, even divine, mother love to ourselves. This includes expressions of care and compassion. With mother love we nourish and nurture ourselves. The mother side of self love offers us unconditional acceptance and a warm embracing space to land especially when we’re scared or struggling. 

Self love then also includes conscious or divine father energy that provides vision and encouragement along with a solid belief in self. It stands for the individuality and sovereignty of self, or in other words who we are as a uniquely authentic Being. The fatherly aspect of self love also sets and maintains conscious boundaries that honor and protect our well-being while also making us available for connection. The fatherly aspect of self love makes sure we don’t harm ourselves through unconscious habits – staying up too late, taking inappropriate risks, eating or drinking what’s not good for us, and the like.

Finally, we model romantic love in our experience of self love through admiration, cherishing, and expressing words of self love. We learn about self love through the lens of romantic love by recognizing that self love incorporates words of affirmation, kind gestures, as well as creating time and space to do the things we enjoy. Think “Five Love Languages” here, this time applied to yourself. Self love can even include loving touch and self pleasuring. Finally, just as we would care for a beloved’s needs, wants, and desires, with self love we intentionally and regularly do the same for ourselves. We don’t then settle for left over scraps of love and care. 

The nuances and depths of self love offer a vast field and opportunity to feel good about ourselves, to relax in her own skin, and enjoy our own company. When we do this everything in life goes better. At the same time, genuine self love does not mean that we must provide everything for ourselves. Self love doesn’t make an endorsement of the Lone Wolf Syndrome. On the contrary, with self love we willingly lean on others for contribution to our wellbeing while still holding ultimate responsibility.

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Why is self love important in romantic relationships?

When we don’t love ourselves we always, as a result, question our lovability and our worthiness to be loved. We may fear that some part of us isn’t worth loving, or that if we allow that part to be known, it will be rejected. This fear of being known and hence rejected means that we can never fully open to the possibility of love. When another offers love to us, if we don’t first have a love of self, we will tend to resist, deny, or mistrust the love offered to us, even as we deeply long for it. 

When we don’t love ourselves we look for love outside ourself hoping someone will bring us what we haven’t realized lives within. Our false perception that the source of love exists in someone or something outside ourselves always leads us further and further from the experience of real love. When we think we have to find or earn love we can easily turn into self abandoning people pleasers who do whatever we think it will take to get and keep love. Too often in the absence of self love we go along to get along and that self abandonment harms relationships.

When we don’t love ourselves, we don’t ask for our own needs to be met. We make others and their needs more important than ourselves. This always leads to resentment which, in turn, always kills love and often destroys relationships.

Additionally, too often we unconsciously seek from our romantic partners the types of parental love we might not have received growing up. Yet rarely can a true romantic partner deliver the parental love and care we missed out on. If an intimate partner does end up relating to us parentally, it will most often deflate, if not extinguish, the romantic and passionate dimensions that once existed in our relationship. We, along with our romantic partner, will be much better off when we realize we can get our longed for parental love through our own internal Divine Reparenting™ rather than seeking it through romance. 

Last but not least, remember we do not have to be perfect to be loved. As a matter of fact, we fall most deeply in love with humanness, not perfection and achievement. Whether or not your mind wants to believe it, we will be most attractive when we allow our imperfectly human selves to be seen and experienced just as we are – with the good, the bad, and the ugly. Your embodiment of self love empowers your authenticity and amplifies your attractiveness. As a result, when you know you’re being truly authentic, you’ll trust the love that comes your way.

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Why it’s important in life?

Beyond romance, when we don’t love ourselves we won’t go for our dreams because we don’t trust we can manifest them. This lack of self trust can turn into unrecognized cruelty towards ourselves. Too often in the absence of self love, perfectionism takes its place. This puts completely unrealistic demands – that we can never live up to – on ourselves. Therefore, without self love, we become so deeply driven to perform, perfect, and prove that we never feel like we can relax and enjoy life. That means we also never get to feel truly happy and celebrate the fruits of our efforts.

When we don’t know ourselves well that means we can’t honor ourselves nor even respect ourselves. Without self honor and self respect, we tend to ignore our own needs and abandon our own desires. When we do this on a consistently regular basis, whether predominantly masculine or feminine by nature, the lack of self nurturance and self care harms us and limits the quality of life we can experience.

This is not just about going to the gym or getting our fingernails painted. It’s not even about eating well or getting our annual checkup. While all those acts can contribute to self love, if we hold them as demands, expectations, or chores they create pressure and drive self judgement not love. Without true, kind, compassionate care, without self love, we are left depleted, exhausted, and very frequently unwell. No matter how many self care things we do, self care alone is not self love. 

Similar to attracting love, we do not have to be perfect to succeed. As a matter of fact, many of the world’s most successful people failed many many times. It was their belief in themselves, their self love, that drove them to continue to pursue their dreams and passions. This always pays off in satisfaction and fulfillment. Those who loved themselves and took chances don’t look back from their death beds with regret. They instead know they have lived life fully – and nothing could be better than that. 

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How to practice self love

When it comes to how to practice self love, we’ll start by leaning on the components of self love that we considered above. Additionally, the “Diamond of Sacred You” that we explore in our Activating Soul Love program offers us a roadmap, or better yet a ladder to climb into the most profound experiences of self love. Looking up from the bottom of that ladder we find ourselves in self denial, self rejection, self ignorance, and self abandonment. As we climb upwards on the ladder of self relating, we begin to access self awareness, self acknowledgement, and self acceptance. Eventually, as we strengthen the relationship with ourselves we move further upward into self respect, self honor, self love, self expression and eventually self actualization. So how do we climb the ladder?

1. Get to know yourself. Discover your needs, wants, desires, and boundaries. Find the courage to express them.
2. Become aware of the judgments that you hold of yourself. See them as opinions and not truth so that they can fall away. 
3. Become aware of unrealistic expectations you hold for yourself and reset them to something appropriate. 
4. Make friends with your emotions. If you resist and reject them you will get stuck in life. Your emotions are telling you what you need and what boundaries you must set.
5. Consider a Divine Reparenting experience. Develop a relationship with the divine mother and divine father energy within you. 
6. Begin to experience yourself as a beloved. Speak kind words to yourself. Touch yourself in ways that feel loving – this is about much more than self pleasuring. 
7. Feed yourself in ways that feel nourishing and nurturing.
8. Discover that you can enjoy your own company. Remember, most singles stay single because they hate the feeling of loneliness. If you are not friends with yourself, you will likely chase relationships and settle for one that isn’t actually good for you. 
9. Let go of perfectionism.
10. Remember you are always doing the best that you can with the resources you have at any given moment. 

As you reflect on these ways to practice self love, pay attention to the fact that it can seem like a list of To Do’s. Yet, self love is not something you do. Self love is something you experience – a warmth, peace, and safety with, and within, you. It offers a feeling of at-home-ness in yourself. When you start to feel connected and at home with yourself, you know self love has come alive for you. 

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Ecstatic Authenticity

When we have viscerally, somatically discovered the answer to the question what is self love, when we begin to honor and celebrate the uniqueness of our soul, when we realize that we are truly irreplaceable, we move into what we refer to as Ecstatic Authenticity™. We experience Ecstatic Authenticity when we genuinely know who we are. This means that we know our needs, wants, desires, turn ons, and turn offs. It means we know and honor our boundaries and that we allow the masculine and feminine to express within us authentically. Most importantly, when we live in Ecstatic Authenticity we commit to no longer selling ourselves out, settling, or twisting ourselves into a pretzel for anybody or anything.

As we come to know our worth, value, and pricelessness, when we unquestionably realize our innate lovability, then we can trust that the “right” romantic relationship will come to us in divine timing. We will have the ability to patiently await our soulmate. Then, once we find that soul connection, we will trust ourselves to navigate the inevitable and innate challenges that any soulmate relationship brings. We will know that we can stay and work through the tough times in such a way that our conflicts turn into communion. This leads to a heart-to-heart, body-to-body, soul-to-soul experience of Ecstatic Intimacy®. 

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As we conclude, it feels essential to say that if you only ever discovered one way to love in the world, the most powerful and profound love you could ever experience comes from knowing what self love is and how to embody it fully. Everything else – our peace, our joy, our passion, our beauty – each of these stirring experiences stems from a deep and loving relationship with ourselves. We can’t sustain these feelings otherwise. Without self love we may have “hits” of goodness, yet we’ll never maintain fulfillment in life if we don’t build a close relationship with ourselves first. 

Taking that a step further, having realized what self love really is and why it matters so much, the old adage “you can’t love another until you love yourself” may finally ring true. As you have seen, when you love yourself you will have the capacity to attract and create a relationship that is stronger, with a love that runs deeper, than you could ever have imagined. It all begins with you, and through that close, intimate connection with you, you’ll open yourself to unite with the vast field of love that always surrounds us. 

May you deeply know true love – self love, romantic love, divine love – and through your profound dance with love, may you experience the greatest blessings of life ever known.

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Since 2006, highly conscious men and women, with a commitment to extraordinary relationships, have chosen Ecstatic Intimacy to find and cultivate Soul Partnerships from their bedrooms to their boardrooms. Ecstatic Intimacy believes in coveted relationships, for all. 

You too, are invited…