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To Have Sex or Not: When Should We Have Sex?

When dating someone new, many of us wonder, “When should we have sex?” Others just “go for it” in the heat of the moment. I suggest giving the question some really conscious attention. You’ll thank yourself, and each other, for it later.


After asking “When should we have sex?” …

As soon as that first question arises… you immediately want to ask, “Do I want to have sex or do I want to make love?”  

Knowing the answer to this second, more important, question is critical in deciding when to sleep with someone for the first time.


Here are five things to consider when picking the right time to have sex with someone



1) What’s your long term goal / desire?

If your long term goal is relationship, then sleeping with them on the first few dates is going to muddy your ability to see if this person is a fit.  If they are not a fit, and you’ve slept together, it can be harder to let go… and you end up with unneeded heartache later.


2) What are your needs?

Deciding “when should we have sex” depends on knowing your needs. As a matter of fact, it’s all about knowing your needs. (Just to be clear, a need is something that without it, you will feel “off” or out-of-sorts. Knowing your needs is part of the Ecstatic Authenticity approach to love that I share with my clients. In a nutshell, it means, “Know you, honor you.”)

So ask yourself, do you need to be in a committed relationship?

Are you okay if the two of you never see each other again?

Do you need to be in love?

Do you need to be the only sexual partner, or are you okay if this soon-to-be partner is partnering with others?


3) Is your prospective sex partner treating you the way you want to be treated?

Men or women alike need to be treated well in a relationship… and unfortunately, sometimes that doesn’t happen.

So ask yourself, “Is this potential partner treating you the way you want to be treated outside the bedroom?” If they’re not treating you the way you want to be treated outside the bedroom, it’s not likely to happen inside.


4) Talk about sex before you get in bed. 

Talk about your needs, wants, desires, turn-ons, turn-offs, and boundaries.

It may not feel all that sexy, and this conversation can be both heart opening and a total turn-on. And, if talking about sex and honoring each other is a turn-off…  Hmmm… that might be something to consider before you hit the hay.

If you can talk about this stuff in the beginning, you are going to have much more passion and pleasure once you find yourself between the sheets together.

Seriously, if you can’t talk about it, then don’t sleep with them!


5) Ask yourself “Do I want to be bonded with this person?”

Last but not least, if there’s a woman involved, and orgasms and pleasure are happening, then hormones will rise and instinctively, biologically, she’s going to want to be connected to you for weeks.

So ask yourself, “Is this a connection I want to have for weeks?” before you jump in bed?

The bottom line is that there’s no right answer to this question…  and simply, asking the question and being authentic with yourself and your potential parter, contributes highly to your future moments of happiness, love and ecstasy!

If you’re willing to be honest and present, you’ll know the timing that will make this experience awesome for you.


Don’t settle for less than the best for you.


If you’d like more insights into the masculine and feminine dynamics…


Men… I have Gifts for you HERE

Women… I have Gifts for you HERE

In love, light and ecstasy,

Joanna Shakti

*At Ecstatic Intimacy, an all-inclusive website for singles and couples, we welcome all sexual orientation(s), gender(s) and relationship expressions. In this article we utilize the pronouns he/she/him/her.

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