Who’s Responsible in Love?
A dear friend, many years ago, said to me, “do you realize you are playing the victim right now?” I had no idea what he meant, and truth be told, I was pretty insulted. I thought, “I’m a strong woman and I can do practically anything in life and he’s telling me I’m a victim?!” I was shocked and as I opened up and listened a bit more, I vaguely saw there might be a bit of truth in his words. And, I didn’t really get it.
The years rolled on and then I did some powerful work that revealed many of the ways I play the victim role in life. I saw how I unconsciously blamed other people for things that didn’t “work” in my life. When confronted with a challenge with another person, I now ask, how am I 100% responsible for this situation showing up? By the way, to my conscious mind, it can often seem like it’s entirely the other person’s “fault”! In any case, I ask that question – a question completely opposite of the one I would ask as the victim. As the victim, I would have asked “why is he doing this to me?” or “why is this happening to me?”
Notice, the “to me” at the end of those questions… It’s a big VICTIM indicator. The words say “It’s being done to me by someone or something else and I have no control over it.”
I often think back to the words of my first “teacher” in this journey of “soul love” and he said to a group of workshop participants, “When we are in pain, we either point our finger at the other person trying to make them 100% responsible, or, if we are having a good day, we might say we are both 50% responsible.” He continued, “Relationships are not 50-50. They are 100-100. You are both 100% responsible for everything that happens between you.
Even when it seems that the other person is totally at fault. There is no fault. You are both simply 100% responsible.” Similarly, Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks discuss in their book, “Conscious Heart”, that on the road to deepest love and happiness in relationships, we must see ourselves as 100% responsible for everything that happens in those relationships.
To do otherwise, we are the victim.
Similarly, we’ve talked about in other blog posts, that when we are the victim we give away our power. When we are the victim – when it is all happening to us – we may feel justified or even righteous in our reactions and accusations, yet nothing changes.
So the challenge to you this week, is:
If you don’t like the way a relationship (or job) is showing up right now, stop and ask “How am I 100% responsible for creating this right now?”
Here are some clues for you…
When we ask of another (or even contemplate the thought in our head) “Why didn’t you do this for me? Or “Why did he/she do this to me?” we are being the victim. We have given the other person responsibility for our life and we’ve given away our power to have it be different. The same is true when we are mad that “life” “dealt” us some lousy circumstances. With thoughts like these, we look beyond ourselves and blame the people or circumstances around us. The truth is… there is never anyone to blame – not ourselves, not each other. There are simply circumstances we are experiencing and when we look within ourselves for answers, we have power; we have the possibility to create change. Only then, when we look within, can we find the pathway to true love and freedom.
Wishing you many blessings and an empowered victim-free life!
In love, light and ecstasy,
*At Ecstatic Intimacy, an all-inclusive website for singles and couples, we welcome all sexual orientation(s), gender(s) and relationship expressions. In this article we utilize the pronouns he/she/him/her.