why am I still single

Why am I Still Single? The ONE Reason

If you’re asking why am I still single despite trying, I have good news. Getting over being single, when you don’t want to be, only requires that you address one issue. Many will give you a whole list of potential reasons you’re single or they’ll point to things you should “fix” in your life. But you don’t need to fix anything.

While not every single person seeks a relationship, if you do desire one, you only need to bring your focus and attention to one thing.

And, before I share the one thing, I must warn you, you may not like it. I didn’t. You might, like I did, go into full blown resistance to this simple fact. You might want to say “forget that nonsense.” I fought this simple truth, tooth and nail. Then, about two decades, a divorce, and several “failed” relationships later, I finally faced the truth. I knew the answer to why am I single.

It takes courage to address this part of our relationship with love itself. Yet, that courage, mixed with a dose of humbleness, will awaken not just the potential for deep intimate love, but your capacity to hold it, receive it, and expand it. When you open to love in this way, you’ll know wordless, breathless, spectacular love in every fiber of your being. 


So what’s the one answer to “Why am I still single”?

If you’re like most people asking the question, why am I still single, it’s not that you’ve never been in a relationship. It’s more likely that you’ve been in a ton of relationships that just haven’t had the staying power or the intimacy necessary for longevity. To get out of the cycles of either serial monogamy or unconscious avoidance of intimate relationships, you have to bring your attention to you

The Genuine Authentic You. 

Every single person who finds themselves single again and again, who is single for a long time and doesn’t want to be, who asks “why am I still single?” lacks an authentic relationship with themselves. And that lack of self-knowing means there’s also a lack of confidence and security in being you, all of you. 

You may say, “I have a relationship with me. I know who I am. And, I have so much love to give.” Yep. I said that too, but we can’t see our own blindspots. 

The number one reason relationships fail and the number one reason singles stay single is self-abandonment. That means we make the relationship and the other person more important than ourselves over and over again. No relationship can last with this approach..

To make matters worse, when both people abandon themselves in favor of the love they are hoping to create between them, there is nothing to love. You’re each trying to fall in love and build a relationship on illusions, because if you’re both on your best behavior, neither of you is being real. Then the relationship has no foundation, because authenticity takes a backseat, if it’s not left behind all together.

A solid relationship requires authenticity – of both people. 

Authenticity. Authenticity. Authenticity. 

Check it out… If you don’t have a relationship with you, how can anyone else? If you don’t know who you are, how can you share who you truly are with another? If you want to be loved for who you really are, don’t you have to be who you really are? 

If you don’t think you’re enough, how can anyone else? And even if they said you were enough, you won’t believe them. If you hide parts of yourself and they say I love you, you don’t trust the love because, if they “knew” the whole you, you fear (and assume) they wouldn’t love you. 

For those of you who are still skeptical or who imagine that having this kind of relationship with you could take a lifetime to create, it doesn’t. It does not take decades to shift or even years, a few months yes, but what’s a few months when you’ve been struggling with love, relationships, and heartache for years?


If I’m so great, why am I still single

Put simply, even if you don’t believe it right now, you are great. Even if you aren’t showing up that way right now, you are absolutely attractive, sexy, and desirable. You are enough. Inherently. 

It’s the fact that you don’t know and honor how great you are that causes the issues. (In case you’re worried, knowing you are great, doesn’t equate to being arrogant.) If you feel less than, inadequate, or unattractive, so be your experience. It’s not the truth in reality, but it becomes your experience because that’s what you believe. You can only experience things that are congruent with the beliefs you hold.

When you let go of the self-judging beliefs and fears, when you discover your innate value, worthiness, and lovability, when you allow it to shine and you’re not worried about whether someone else will like you or not, that’s freedom, that’s joy. That’s when romantic love becomes available to you. 

You are most attractive when you are you. All of you. Messy, imperfect, uncertain you. 

QUOTE | You are most attractive when you are you. All of you. Messy, imperfect, uncertain you. 

Building this kind of relationship with you becomes the most compellingly attractive expression of you, the you that someone will fall madly in love with. People fall in love with your humanness, not your perfection. On top of that, this kind of relationship with you also provides everything you need to navigate the inevitable ups and downs of romantic relating.  

If you don’t trust yourself, if you don’t feel innately worthy of love, if you practice self-abandonment, you’ll likely run, shutdown, settle, or give in in the face of conflict and upset. Yet, that is the very reason relationships end.  

You have to be you to attract love and you have to be you to sustain love. 

We call this “ecstatic authenticity” which means you have such a deep relationship with you that, not only do you like you, you actually know what it feels like to truly love you. Experiencing ecstatic authenticity you are no longer willing to sell yourself out, settle or twist yourself into a pretzel for anybody or anything. And, that means real love, true soul love becomes possible. 


Single and Soul Love

As much as you might not want to face it, the strength of the relationship with you determines the strength of your relationship with another. So if you want to be googling
“wedding photographers” instead of “why am I still single?” Then it’s time to build a strong relationship with you. 

As soon as you do, romance can come knocking and move into your heart and your life. 

Consistently feeling ecstatically authentic is the goal of the first of the 3 stages of soul love. Ecstatic authenticity makes ecstatic intimacy possible and together they create ecstatic ecstasy.

While it may not feel like it at this moment, acknowledging this truth about being single and being in love, is a blessing. Honoring this truth gives you back your power. It means you can do something about the state of your love life. And if we’re being honest, it also means, you can no longer blame, life, the opposite sex, your past, or anything else for the state of your heart. That may not feel great and it’s good news…very good news.


Since 2006, highly conscious men and women, with a commitment to extraordinary relationships, have chosen Ecstatic Intimacy to find and cultivate Soul Partnerships from their bedrooms to their boardrooms. Ecstatic Intimacy believes in coveted relationships, for all. 

You too, are invited.

*At Ecstatic Intimacy, an all-inclusive website for singles and couples, we welcome all sexual orientation(s), gender(s) and relationship expressions. In this article we utilize the pronouns he/she/him/her.

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1 Comments

  1. George on June 28, 2021 at 1:11 am

    I am 65, a man, and I love myself. This guy is awesome. I challenge what I don’t like in myself or my life. I do not let others control me. I have had many compliments on my confidence. And my abilities to get things done. I enjoy being alone, at home, in nature, or out on my bike. I asked to no longer be alone and it happened, her hello. I know I can open up an incredible world for her, baby steps.

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