Why am I Still Single? 3 Reasons You Can’t Find & Keep Love
Believe it or not, answering the question, “Why am I still single?” is easier than you might imagine. I hear the longing, the pain, the disappointment, frustration, sadness and too often resignation from great single men and women. I see great people, I mean really great people with a lot to offer, fumble and stumble, trying to attract, connect, and build a solid relationship with a great partner.
Yet, I’ve watched 100’s of men and women completely transform their love life with some pretty simple steps. They aren’t necessarily easy steps but they are simple and they can be done much more quickly than most people imagine.
Before I can give you the turn by turn directions to take a non-existent, ho-hum, or frustrating love life and turn it into something happy, hot and healthy, we have to answer the question, “Why am I still single?”
The 3 Most Important Answers to “Why am I still single?”
#1 You Hate Being Alone
You’re probably thinking “Duh! If I liked being alone, I wouldn’t be looking for a relationship.” I hear that and a deeper energetic pattern is running under the surface and it’s a barricade to the very relationship you’re spending so much energy seeking.
Here are the spiritual truth creating the problem for you: What you resist persists.
If you hate being alone, if you’d do anything to eliminate or, at least get away from, the deep pit of loneliness in your belly, you actual reinforce the aloneness and repelling any potential relationship.
I know this pattern so well myself, or at least I did. Looking back probably 12 or 13 years ago, I had a supportive friend being there for me in another moment where I cried, “I’m sooooo tired of being alone.” She held me in a space of total acceptance while she gave me the tough love I needed, saying something like, “You have to make friends with loneliness. You have to be totally ok being with just you, living life all by yourself, before you will ever be able to attract in and build a quality relationship.”
I knew I was strong. I knew I was independent. I knew I didn’t need anyone, but damn, I wanted someone sooooo badly. I wanted someone to fill the empty hole I felt in me and in my life. I thought, “if I just found the right guy, I’d have the happiness, the laughter, the fun, the trips, the life (you get the idea) that I wanted.” Top that off I thought I’d feel safe enough to relax and trust love when I found someone who really accepted and loved me.
I wanted that man who would fill the empty, lonely and unfulfilled places in me. And, that brings us back to loneliness and why you’re still single.
No one can fulfill you, except you. No one can make you happy, except you. No one can actually have you feel loved, except you.
So, loneliness is the perceived absence of love and the love you seek outside you resides in you.
Although it may not feel easy, although the very idea may piss you off, let the loneliness be a pointer back to the brilliant amazing being that you are. Trust me, if you really look… deeply… you will find wholeness, completeness. When you find, know and love you, fully and completely. The loneliness will dissolve, you’ll become incredibly attractive and you’ll never settle for less than you desire again.
#2 You Project to Protect
The idea of projection was always challenging for me to grasp and yet it perfectly describes this habitual thought process that keeps you asking, “Why am I still single?!” Projection happens anytime you take your internal thoughts and overlay, or project them, onto the external world and think that your ideas, or projection, reflect true reality. Here are few examples, “All the good ones are taken.” “Women my age aren’t active enough.” “Men don’t really care.” “He/She will leave anyway.” “Love never lasts.”
You think these kinds of thoughts because you had a past experience that looked that way. You took the past and project it forward into the future and then the future turns into the past. You keep experiencing the same kinds of dates, partners and relationships. Life seems to be on auto-replay, or Groundhogs Day as some would call it.
When you got hurt in the past, your mind made a decision that took the circumstances of a moment in time and made those circumstances the ultimate truth of all time. Your mind did this because it wanted to protect you from getting hurt again. For the same reasons, if you’ve dated someone in the past who didn’t communicate, or didn’t tell the truth, or cheated, for example, and now you’re looking for the opposite, it won’t work. You’re looking for the opposite by focussing on finding someone who definitely won’t do those things. You’re actually again projecting the past energy forward and creating more of the experiences you DON’T want.
You are simply trying to protect yourself, yet in trying to protect yourself you’re creating more heartache.
Two of the spiritual truths creating the problem here are: what you focus on expands and what you believe you experience.
Whatever you believe you will experience. You will attract more of what you energetically focus on.
Unfortunately, most of this projecting and protecting happens unconsciously, under the surface, and if you’re like most, you’ll think, “I don’t project. I don’t protect.” I did. Look deeper, what you find just might surprise you.
#3 You Don’t Honor You
Put simply, you try to contort yourself into the image of what you think will get or keep love. This looks like saying “OK” to something you don’t really want to do, not expressing your true needs and desires, or hiding parts of yourself that you think someone might not be fond of.
This isn’t necessarily a problem during the attraction stage of soul love. It’s problem that waaaaaaay too often leads to an inevitable breakup that turns around and makes you single AGAIN!
You see, when you don’t show up as completely and authentically you or when you try to be on your best behavior, the real you eventually comes out to play. Only it doesn’t look much like “playing”, it looks more like an out-of-the-blue reaction, with an ensuing fight.
Often 3-6 months into a relationship things start to change, upsets start to happen, and you hear things like “I thought you liked Chinese food.” And you reply, “I knew you liked Chinese so I always said yes, even though I didn’t really like it.” Your partner is left confused and dumbfounded, and potentially wondering how many other places you’ve lived a little white lie. It undermines trust.
At the same time, every time you go along with something that isn’t really true for you or you make excuses for why they weren’t there for you or didn’t follow through on their word (or anything of the sort) you begin to build resentment and resentment kills love.
So even if stop making the first two mistakes outlined here, if you don’t honor yourself from the first moments of interacting with a potential date you will set yourself up to destroy any relationship that might develop, and as a result, you will find yourself back at square one, single again.
Do whatever it takes to stop selling you out, ever. You must honor you if you want love to last.
There’s a Blessing and a Curse
Actually, it’s really a blessing, but it might not feel quite like that. When you see the truths of why you are still single, it gives you back your power. It means you can do something about the state of your love life. The good news is, not only can you do something about it, there’s a roadmap to show you how to get from where you are, to where you want to be. It also means, you can no longer blame, life, the opposite sex, your past, or anything else for the state of your heart. That may not feel great and it’s good news…very good news.
Do you desire true soul love?
I specialize in helping men and women who find themselves single again to leave the past behind and create a relationship that is an expression of ecstatic authenticity, intimacy and ecstasy. When my clients walk the spiritual path of love, they find soul love.
If this sounds like you, I’d like to offer you $100 savings on a 1-on-1 private session with me. When you schedule an Igniting Soul Love Session with me today and use Promo Code: BLOGGIFT, you’ll get immediate access to my calendar. Together you and I will identify the very best next steps you can take on your personal Path of Soul Love.
In love, light and ecstasy,
*At Ecstatic Intimacy, an all-inclusive website for singles and couples, we welcome all sexual orientation(s), gender(s) and relationship expressions. In this article we utilize the pronouns he/she/him/her.