Why is she losing interest? 11 questions to ask yourself
Why is she losing interest? Women can lose interest, sometimes quickly, in a man she is dating for a variety of reasons. Some of those reasons will, of course, relate solely to current events in her life. Other times, oftentimes, her loss of interest arises directly as a result of his, in a nutshell, lack of presence. The number one thing a woman who is feminine at her core wants in a romantic partner is presence. So, you’re invited to ask yourself the 11 questions that follow to help you understand how a lack of presence might show up in you, and hence how you might be contributing to her loss of interest.
Before we jump in, suffice it to say, that if a feminine woman was into you, and now she’s not, if you have the courage, humility, and willingness to explore the true answers to the question, “why is she losing interest?” you’ll likely find a very good explanation.
Why is she losing interest? Ask yourself these questions
1) Are you showing up as the conscious masculine? Assuming that you have predominate masculine energy by nature and she has innate predominate feminine energy, maintaining the polarity of your opposite energetic natures matters. We sustain attraction through the interplay of pursuing and inviting, directing and surrendering, penetrating and receiving, leading and following, ravishing and being ravished. The dance of these complementary, yet opposing, energies keeps attraction and passion alive over time. Her feminine may long for the both excitement and reliability of your conscious masculine presence. So ask yourself, are you showing up confidently, even assertively, as your true self and giving her what she desires? If you suppress your natural masculine energy, she’ll feel it and it will eventually turn her off.
2) Have you made her preferences more important than being your authentic self? A genuinely masculine being will naturally feel inspired to put a smile on a feminine being’s face. That’s an organic part of the masculine-feminine dance of attraction.
Yet, unfortunately, when a man feels less than confident in his ability to please, inspire, attract, pleasure, and satisfy the woman he is with, he may turn to unconscious behaviors that attempt to prove his love, his worthiness, his commitment. The very attempt to prove those things means that he actually questions and doubts those qualities within himself. This self-doubt, this questioning of lovability and worthiness, often results in unconscious people-pleasing.
However, the feminine wants to completely trust the authenticity of the masculine being she is with and if she senses, even unconsciously, that he is doing what she wants over what he wants, she’ll become turned off and lose interest.
3) Are you too accommodating? Similar to the previous question, in addition to trying to meet her needs, some men will attempt to be the good guy, being agreeable and accommodating. The “nice guy” goes along to get along. He doesn’t want to rock the boat with hard (and honest) conversations because he isn’t sure how to navigate the conversation, or because he fears the result more than he values his own needs and desires.
Whether it’s people pleasing, accommodating, or toning down your assertiveness so you are not “that guy,” your own resultant self-abandonment will harm your connection. Ask yourself, are you being true to yourself first? If not, this abandonment of self will push her away.
4) Are you showing up as more friend than lover? While having a strong authentic friendship lies at the heart of every good romantic relationship, if you become more like her supportive girlfriend, than her sexy boyfriend, you’ll likely find yourself in the friend zone. The feminine does crave emotional intimacy, yet if a masculine being consistently softens his core so much that she can’t feel his roots, his solidity, she will again tend to pull away. So check in, when you open your vulnerable heart with her, do you also maintain your solid core? Do you remain grounded? If not, she may stop leaning into you.
5) Are you tending to her feminine expressions and needs? We’ve acknowledged that in romantic relationships we sustain attraction through the polarity of masculine and feminine energy dynamics. What most don’t realize though, is that these opposite energetic expressions also bring a huge set of differing needs and desires, different turn ons, different preferences for types of intimacy, and different ways of addressing and resolving misunderstandings or upsets. So, ask yourself, have you taken the time to understand her feminine needs and how they differ from your own? Do you respond consistently to those different needs? If not, you may be getting a clear answer to your question, “why is she losing interest?”
6) Is she getting enough affection and foreplay? One of the most significant ways the feminine differs from the masculine arises in the area of physical intimacy. Her needs for affection and even intimate conversation are likely significantly higher than your own. The female body in particular needs dramatically more foreplay before she can experience and sustain deep sexual pleasure. Do you readily offer that attention and affection? Do you acknowledge her for who she is beyond her body, even when you are making out or in bed together? Have you talked about what she genuinely needs and desires when it comes to sexual intimacy? Have you listened?
7) Does she respect you? When it comes to romantic connection between a masculine man and a feminine woman, while yes, both people need respect, if the feminine doesn’t respect the masculine partner, the connection will ultimately fail.
In order to remain attracted, he must feel like she respects him, and she must revel in her respect for him. When a woman doesn’t respect the man she is spending time with romantically she will tend to complain, find fault, and nag. He’ll tend to feel like he can’t win with her. She finds herself in that perpetual state of disappointment.
So ask yourself, are you showing up respect-worthy? In other words, ask yourself if you respect how you are showing up in this relationship dynamic. If you don’t genuinely respect you, neither will she, and she will lose interest. If you do respect yourself and she’s not respecting you, then she may not be the right person for you.
8) Are you really into her? Another honest question to ask yourself when you’re wondering, “why is she losing interest?” is whether you are losing interest in her. While it doesn’t feel good to most people, no matter how we feel about the situation, when we realize someone might be losing interest in us. Yet, quite often one person unconsciously responds to the other’s energy.
Similar to the masculine need for respect, the feminine needs to feel cherished and valued. She needs to feel that she has priority in your life. She needs to know that you value the way she makes your world a better place. Is she truly a priority in your world? Do you feel like she makes your life better with her presence? If not, then please consider whether your connection truly serves you. If not, consider kindly letting yourself both off the hook and allowing yourselves to move on into something that fits you each better.
9) Are you actually available for a connection, and even a commitment? Now let’s get really honest, most feminine women who date seek a long term partnership. While of course there are exceptions to this, the feminine at her heart seeks union. She desires to merge, even in human form. The masculine, in contrast, holds a deep desire for freedom. In true love, these two desires for unity and freedom become one and the same. In the beginning however, these differing longings can express themselves as an unconscious battle between sovereignty and partnership.
If she can’t feel a sense of possibility for deep connection, and eventual unity, the feminine will lose interest. She will begin to desire someone who has the capacity to unite authentically.
Beyond her desire for connection, she also needs to know that you have a willingness and capacity to commit to her. She needs to feel your heart and your capacity to open, feel, and love. So ask yourself, are you open to connection and experiences of unity? Are you available for – on all levels – commitment? If you don’t find that to be true for you, you have your answer to the question, “why is she losing interest?”
10) Does your presence make her feel safe? When the masculine holds presence the feminine can allow herself to surrender more deeply into who she is. She can open her deepest heart and shine her fullest radiance. She wants to do this and, as you may recognize, the masculine thrives in the presence of feminine light.
So ask yourself, are you truly present with her when you are with her – whether eating dinner, saying goodnight, talking on the phone, or being intimate? Or, do you often show up distracted by your obligations, commitments, or what’s happening on your phone?
If she doesn’t feel safe to let go and fully be in her heart or her pleasure, it doesn’t mean she feels in danger with you, it simply appears to her that you don’t “have her back.” It will feel to her that you aren’t holding the space she needs to express her fullest self and that’s definitely one of the things the feminine must have in a man.
11) Is there an unresolved hurt or upset? Depending on how long you’ve been together, you may have unspoken words or unresolved feelings hanging out between you. Feelings matter to the feminine. Your ability to talk about feelings, validate feelings, as well as express your own feelings matters to her. Your capacity for emotional intimacy has a direct correlation to your capacity to fully resolve upsets. If she hasn’t felt heard, validated, seen, or understood at some point (or worse yet, more than once), if there are hurt feelings that remain unresolved, the feminine will start to disconnect and lose interest. Do you have the capacity to listen to her, hear her, and meet her in the difficult moments? If not, your connection might be in jeopardy.
As you contemplate these not-so-straight-forward questions, it’s important to remember that your answers are just your answers. You still don’t know for sure what she’s experiencing. Yet you may also now have some serious potential answers to your question, why is she losing interest.
At the same time do remember that signs she’s losing interest can show up for many reasons. Yet, if your reflection on your recent times together, combined with the awarenesses you’ve gotten from these questions, leaves you feeling like she is losing interest, then it’s time to get more curious with the situation, yourself, her, and the connection you share.
What to do first when she is losing interest
When she is losing interest, first and foremost, commend yourself for noticing. Many don’t realize what’s happening until after any chance of understanding and realignment has passed.
Next, acknowledge yourself for being here and genuinely asking “why is she losing interest?”
Now, the remaining steps take a bit more courage and vulnerability. (Yes, you have access to both of those qualities as a predominantly masculine being.)
Your next and most critical steps happens when you get honest with yourself about your own internal experience with this woman and your connection with her. Ask yourself…
- Does the connection with this woman have true meaning for you?
- Are you ready for a relationship?
- Is a loving relationship a priority for you right now?
- Does your long term purpose in dating align with hers?
If a true long term partnership isn’t what you’re really interested in, if she’s better-than-nothing, yet you don’t see a future with her, or if your long term purposes don’t align, then it’s time to talk honestly.
If, on the other hand, you have found within you a deep intention and desire for this connection, we’ll come back to what to do in that situation in a moment.
When your honest personal inquiry doesn’t reveal alignment, true interest, and real (non-sexual) desire for this woman, then you have the opportunity to take good care of both of your hearts by letting her go. Don’t ghost her. Don’t let it fall by the wayside. (Note: we mention non-sexual desire here because sexual desire might be a given, yet a long term partnership also requires heart desire.)
Both of your futures will benefit from being set free, in an energetically clean and clear way, so that you can each open into greater possibilities for yourselves.
How to approach her
Now, if you truly feel into her, you’ll also want to have some open honest conversations. But first start by again reviewing the 11 questions above with the clear knowledge that your understanding of the answers to “why is she losing interest in me” really matter.
Reflect on your answers, seeing where you might not be showing up authentically, where you might be out of alignment with your own true masculine presence. Consider how you might not be offering her what a feminine being actually needs to stay interested and connected romantically. Address anything you realize with yourself first.
At the same time you’re looking at yourself, the feminine will tend to appreciate your attention, if she knows about it. If you don’t tell her you’ve noticed something, if you don’t tell her you’re upping your game, so to speak, she won’t know. You’ll lose an opportunity to gain more respect and create more space for love. The feminine loves to know she matters. So let her know what you’re contemplating and committing to.
When you speak to her, you’ll want to be honest about what you’re feeling and also be completely willing to hear how she feels and what she needs, even if you find it hard to hear.
In lasting relationships we have to develop the capacity to stay present in the connection even when we find it difficult. So when you suspect she is losing interest, ask her about her experience. You might say, “I’ve been sensing recently that you might not be as excited about us as you once were. I don’t know if I’m right about that, and I wanted to ask how things are for you? Would you share how you are feeling about us?”
Most importantly, don’t push her to share. Offer yourself authentically and openly. This can create a safe space for her to speak authentically in return. Don’t grasp to understand. Just listen. Don’t try to fix it. Hear her point of view. If you have a fear of losing her and you try to prevent that, you could come across as needy. Your internal people pleaser might want to kick in. She’ll respect you more if you stay true to you, and she WANTS to respect you. She’ll likely open her heart more when she knows you care about hers.
Then, from your listening, let your authentic selves together find both ways to resolve what might have happened between you and to bring you closer now.
You can’t save a relationship that doesn’t innately have the qualities of longevity and sustainability. Yet sometimes we just miss each other’s cues and misunderstand each others needs – especially in a masculine-feminine relationship. So, even if you’re asking, because you’re asking, “why is she losing interest,” you have the chance to deepen and strengthen the bond you share.
Our challenging moments will always bring us closer if we let them.
Be honest with yourself and with her. Listen to her. Then most importantly respond authentically. Do not give up yourself to make her happy. Do not abandon your needs, desires, and purposes in favor of hers. Look for ways to realign, deepen, and reconnect based on who you each are authentically. This kind of conscious relationship takes more time and intentionality, but it will save you years of heartache. This approach sustains true love…when it’s true love.
Since 2006, highly conscious men and women, with a commitment to extraordinary relationships, have chosen Ecstatic Intimacy to find and cultivate Soul Partnerships from their bedrooms to their boardrooms. Ecstatic Intimacy believes in coveted relationships, for all.
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*At Ecstatic Intimacy, an all-inclusive website for singles and couples, we welcome all sexual orientation(s), gender(s) and relationship expressions. In this article we utilize the pronouns he/she/him/her.