6 Ways a Woman Can Feel Safer in Bed
In an intimate relationship between a masculine man and a feminine woman, the quality of the relationship will be dictated by how safe the woman feels. In my programs, I teach a simple yet profound ‘Relationship Needs Model’, developed by author Phil Gilliam, that defines the 6 core needs of men and women in romantic relationship.
What my clients find most amazing about this model is that when an upset or argument happens, a quick review of the model will almost always show you exactly which of the 6 needs isn’t being met and “Voila!” you know the reason behind the argument and can see a path to resolving it.
I share a description of this model here, because the model reveals the foundational need of a woman in relationship (and in bed):
A woman must feel safe physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually
– now and in the future.
With that being said, when in romantic partnership, both partners must contribute to meeting their own needs as well as the needs of their partner. The responsibility does not fall solely on the man to meet the woman’s needs, nor vice versa. The woman must first take responsibility for getting her needs met and then the man can do things to help her to fully meet them. In the same way, a man must admit he has needs and stand up for them before the woman can actually meet them.
So how does this play out sexually? It varies for every woman and you’ll find some common themes that we’ll look at here. I’ve grouped them into two groups. First, I’ve listed the top 3 ways a woman can contribute to her own feeling of safety when it comes to sex. Then we’ll look at how a man must show up in order to heighten her sense of safety in bed.
Top 3 Ways to Help Yourself Feel Safe in Bed
1) Communicate – Share everything with your partner. Avoid the tendency to hide your emotions, your desires, your turn-ons, your turn-offs. If he has to guess, he will get something wrong. Tell the full truth and you can both “win”!
2) Know your Boundaries and Comfort Zones – You must know your boundaries and comfort zones in order to communicate them. If you don’t know them, you will likely end up hurt or resentful. Do what ever you need to, get whatever help you need, in order to be clear on what your boundaries and comfort zones are sexually. Once you know them, communicate them. Never change a boundary in the heat of passion. Commit to yourself that you won’t cross your own boundary. That’s self-love. As for comfort zones, know what yours are and continue to stretch them, but don’t push yourself too far outside them. Stepping outside can be fun and eye opening. Stretching too far can be terrorizing. Treat yourself well.
3) Say “No” – The worst thing you can do for a sexual relationship is “go along with it” when your true answer is “No.” All too often, women try to please their partners sexually. You “do it” so he won’t want it for awhile. You do it out of obligation. This ruins your relationship with yourself and with him. Say “No,” if the answer is “No.” No matter what.
Top 3 Ways to Make Her Feel Safe in Bed
1) Communicate – Pure and simple… First, Be real. Be authentic. Keep her in the loop. Yes… anticipation is a great turn on for most and if she’s at all nervous, she’ll feel much safer knowing your intentions and your desire. If she knows you just want to cuddle (or you’re great if cuddling is all that happens) for example, and you tell her that, she’ll relax must more deeply into the cuddling and maybe more. Second, ask her questions and respond genuinely. Ask her what her desires are. Ask her about her boundaries. Ask her about her fears. And, if it’s authentic for you… let her know that you respect those boundaries, you honor her fears. Let her know that you want to fulfill her desires (not just yours). Curiosity is your best friend here.
2) Be Present – Your presence, when it’s strong and confident, yet not overbearing and arrogant, can melt any woman and have her deeply relax into you. If you’re checked out, if you’re in your fantasy, if you’re focused primarily on your desire, or you don’t notice that she pulled away even slightly, you’re sabotaging her feeling of safety. Stay with her. Learn her body responses. See her feelings (yes, her feelings). If you notice when she pulls away or tenses… and you communicate with her about it, she’ll know you’re totally with her. It’s hard for a woman to fully surrender without the full presence of the masculine.
3) Cherish Her – This also comes from the Relationship Needs Model… She needs to feel like her well-being is #1 on your mind. Now this isn’t at the expense of you. It doesn’t mean you have to do it all her way. It simply means that her wellbeing – her happiness, safety, trust – are of utmost importance to you and you act in accordance with that.
Your invitation is to…
practice creating safety in your physical intimacy
…for the feminine in your partnership. If you’re predominantly feminine, you’ll want to build it for yourself… if you’re the masculine partner, you’ll want to learn how to consciously contribute to your feminine partners sense of safety.
If you want to know more of your own needs or the needs of the opposite sex in relationship and in bed, please join me for an upcoming event. Understanding each others needs and knowing how to fulfill them will transform any relationship… and the change will be readily apparent in the bedroom… Sexual connection will become more frequent, more fun and definitely more passionate!
In love, light and ecstasy,
*At Ecstatic Intimacy, an all-inclusive website for singles and couples, we welcome all sexual orientation(s), gender(s) and relationship expressions. In this article we utilize the pronouns he/she/him/her.