sexual polarity

Sexual Polarity:  Understanding How to Sustain Long Term Passion

Sexual polarity lies at the heart of sustained chemistry, attraction, and desire. To say the least, understanding its power and dynamics matters to both singles and couples. For singles, while getting to know each other, the sexual polarity between the two can ignite at the very first glance or through the first instant message – long before you ever find yourselves “sexually connected.” The existence of polarity, or lack thereof, sets the stage for the attraction, ideally magnetic attraction, that brings a well-matched couple together. For those already in a relationship, what happened during your dating phase may still be impacting the sexual polarity you currently experience. Creating and maintaining polarity nurtures and supports intimacy – intimacy of the heart as much as sexual intimacy. 

With that, it’s important to recognize that while sexual polarity obviously has a sexual component to it, it’s about much more than just sex. What happens outside the bedroom has everything to do with how good, or not-so-good, what happens in the bedroom feels for both partners. In romantic relationships, the strength of your connection and the sexual polarity that underlies it draws the two of you together, hopefully – whether you are in the kitchen, on the phone, cuddling on the couch, or brushing your teeth next to each other. When that attractive force doesn’t exist or is not actively at play, not only may you not feel drawn to one another, in the worst cases, you might actually feel repelled by one another. The existence or absence of polarity determines both attracting and repelling experiences.

Let’s go deeper and give the concept of sexual polarity meaning in and out of the bedroom. 


What is sexual polarity?

Before we can define “sexual” polarity, we need to take a moment to consider the science behind the principle of polarity. In our everyday lives we most commonly experience the presence of polarity in batteries and magnets. Batteries make this most obvious because we see the positive (+) end and the negative (-) end of a battery indicated for us. We also know that how we insert a battery into a device matters. If we put the positive end of the battery with the positive pole of the device, or the negative end with the negative pole of the device, electricity doesn’t flow and our device doesn’t work. (The same “malfunction” happens in romantic connections when we don’t understand sexual polarity, but more about that in a moment.) 

On the other hand, with batteries when you put the positive end of the battery with the negative pole of the device, voila, we have power! Similarly, when we need to jumpstart a car battery, if we put the cables on the wrong battery posts, not only will the car not start, we might even cause damage. 

Magnets, while not as visually obvious, also have two poles – a positive pole and a negative pole.  Maybe you remember playing with magnets as a kid. That experience offers great insight into what happens between the poles of magnets. Playing with magnets, you quickly realize that when you bring the opposite ends of two magnets together, the magnets stick and it takes some force to pull them apart. Yet, with the same two magnets, if you bring the “same” ends together, say positive to positive, they will repel each other. It can be especially fun to watch magnets quickly “jump” away from each other when you try to pair the non-opposite ends. No matter how much force you use, you can’t keep the ends together. This is the principle of polarity in action, and it directly reflects the power and problems of sexual polarity in romantic connections. 

When opposite poles, or energies, come together electricity flows. Let’s just say, “opposites” are where the “spark” happens. The opposite polarity makes electricity flow between two points. People are no different. 

Sexual attraction, or even simpler, romantic attraction ignites because of the magnetism of the polar opposite energies that exist between the two people. This kind of magnetic attraction forms the basis that sustains any romantic connection. The sexual polarity between two people, no matter their gender or orientation, creates the spark of attraction. When you feel it, it makes someone intriguing and enticing. It creates the chemistry that makes two people want to make love with one another.

At the same time, most of us also know that sexual attraction and chemistry too often fade over time in romantic relationships. Yet, if we intentionally sustained the sexual polarity, then the attraction, chemistry, and desire would also stay alive and impassioned. But, it’s not just about what happens in the sexual dynamic. 


How to create sexual polarity

What happens in the sexual dynamic between two people has everything to do with the polarity dynamic that happens between them in all aspects of their relationship. As we explore how to create sexual polarity and maintain it, we have to define the magnetic “poles” that exist in human beings. Instead of the positive and negative ends that batteries or magnets have, people have masculine and feminine poles. 

This means that if you want to maintain attraction and desire in both partners, you need to understand, and authentically embrace, the way masculine and feminine energy express within and between you and your partner. You have to be able to connect the masculine and feminine poles in a way that makes the energy flow between you. You need to know how to create and maintain that spark. 

While that might seem simple in concept, living it in today’s world proves difficult for many. 

Every human being, without exception, holds both masculine and feminine energy within their being. Most, but not all, have one energy that expresses more predominantly than the other. With that being said, many (but not all) men find themselves to be predominantly masculine, and many (but not all) women find themselves more feminine. For those in between the ends of the gender spectrum, recognizing your authentic expression of these two forces can be a bit more challenging because the patterns are less obvious and more situationally fluid. What matters most is that you take the time to discover your naturally predominant energy – either masculine, feminine, or balanced. Then, once you’re aware of your true energies, you want to give yourself and your partner permission to fully embody your own authenticity. 


Opposite or Neutralized?

When the predominant energies of two people show up in opposite expression you create sexual polarity, and at times experience an accompanying sexual tension and desire. Said another way, a masculine person will tend to find a feminine person most romantically and sexually attractive. In the same way, a feminine person will find a masculine person most attractive. Knowing this, if you want to avoid common relationship challenges, these attractive forces need to be honored and at play throughout the relationship. What happens in the kitchen, while paying bills, raising kids, getting the car fixed, or vacuuming the hall all impact masculine feminine dynamics, and hence sexual polarity. 

For those who find their authentic constitution to be more balanced, when partnered you will want to allow yourself and your partner to naturally flow back and forth between masculine and feminine energies so that polarity is sustained even as the energies shift within and between you.  

Unfortunately, modern society has taught us to neutralize sexual polarity by trying to deny the existence and importance of masculine feminine energy dynamics. This perspective has caused innumerable issues in our romantic relationships over the last several decades. When we try to balance or equalize our energies, in other words when we try to make them the same, we neutralize the “electricity” between two people. Just like your device won’t work when you insert the batteries backwards, attraction and chemistry don’t work when masculine and feminine energies aren’t paired authentically. Because we now know that sexual polarity and chemistry depend on these opposite energies, you can see why so many couples struggle to stay out of the friend zone. 

To make matters even worse, many authentically predominantly feminine beings believe they are naturally masculine and many truly masculine people have come to believe they’re more feminine. This only makes relationship and physical intimacy issues more difficult to navigate. The good news is that when we understand sexual polarity and what masculine and feminine energy mean, maintaining both love and passion becomes much easier. 


Sexual polarity examples

To help us understand and recognize when masculine feminine energy dynamics activate to create sexual polarity, and when they neutralize it. Let’s consider a few sexual polarity examples. 

Non-sexual experiences that create polarity 

In these examples we highlight opportunities for sexual polarity, but that does not mean that you have to always follow these suggestions. There is a time and place for everything. 

  • The more masculine partner asks out the more feminine partner and plans the date.
  • The more masculine partner paying for dinner, paired with the feminine partner’s willingness to graciously receive.
  • The feminine partner letting go, being playful, or even wild, and allowing the masculine partner to witness and enjoy her pleasure.
  • A masculine person “protecting” the feminine partner by walking on the outside of the sidewalk or guiding her through a crowded room, for example.
  • The feminine partner expressing her desires, and then trusting her masculine partner to consider her input and make a decision for them. Then, it’s important that the feminine being remains willing to honor that decision without questioning it. 

Sexual examples that create polarity 

Please know that all of these examples rely on the existence of conscious communication and consent between both partners. 

  • Kissing up against the wall where the more masculine partner faces the wall while the feminine partner rests against the wall.
  • “Throwing” the feminine partner down on the bed in a ravishing way that she finds immensely arousing and pleasurable.
  • The more feminine partner allowing herself to be moved around the bed by the more masculine partner during passionate lovemaking
  • The masculine partner “pinning” the feminine partner. This could happen in many ways including a penetrating gaze or by holding her hands, maybe over her head, or anything that renders the feminine partner, willingly, motionless. 
  • The feminine partner, again with authentic consent, surrenders to the masculine initiation of physical intimacy. Eventually the very experience of penetrating and being penetrated ignites polarity.

Anytime the masculine partner offers a conscious and safe space for the feminine to let go of control and surrender to her fullest pleasure creates sexual polarity. This is easier said than done for many couples. The masculine needs to learn how to make a woman feel safer in bed, and the feminine needs to learn that she’s safe within herself to let go and truly enjoy her pleasure – in bed or out. 


The strongest emotional and loving bonding, as well as the most intensely pleasurable sexual interactions for both partners – will incorporate a polarity of the heart center and the sexual center. With this, you will be well served by embodying an authentic masculine and feminine dynamic and understanding the meaning of yin and yang in love and relationship.

For many individuals and couples, this journey to authentic and sustainable sexual polarity will take time to cultivate. You will need to find the courage to move beyond your comfort zones. You will need to be authentically intimate with yourself and each other – because you will need to tell the truth and be completely honest with each other if you want to gain the trust of self and other necessary to surrender to the power of polarity. Yet, your courage will be well rewarded. 


*At Ecstatic Intimacy, an all-inclusive website for singles and couples, we welcome all sexual orientation(s), gender(s) and relationship expressions. In this article we utilize the pronouns he/she/him/her.

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